January 19, 2023
Veganizing "Friends": Monica's Kiwi Lime Pieby Randi / September 26, 2013
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No, not that kind of stake! Remember from, well, “The One With Five Steaks & An Eggplant”, when Monica’s restaurant switches meat suppliers and she gets free stuff and brings it home to the guys to make amends? Let’s backtrack! So much is happening: Monica gets promoted at work, Ross’s birthday is coming up, Chandler is impersonating a hot guy for a hot lady. Half the Friends – Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey – don’t make as much money as the other three. The moneyed 3 don’t realize this, and they keep coming up with expensive ways to celebrate things like birthdays and promotions, to the 3 poorpups’ chagrin. Poor Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey – in multiple senses of the word – finally have to confront the others about the situation.
Joey: (clearing his throat a lot) Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, sometimes you guys don’t get that uh… (Pause) We don’t have as much money as you.
Monica: Ok.
Ross: I hear ya.
Chandler: We can talk about that.
Phoebe: Well, then…Let’s.
Ross: Well umm I, I just never think of money as an issue.
Rachel: That’s ’cause you have it.
Ross: That’s a good point.
This conversation occurs after a pretty uncomfortable (and unsatisfying) celebratory dinner for Monica, in which the 3 povers order basically nothing, but do it hilariously. “And…take care!” (This is the only video from this episode I could find, and since I have to share videos as much as possible, here you go.)
After the confrontation comes expected friction and resentment. Finally, Monica, Ross, and Chandler try to fix things by sharing the titular 5 steaks and an eggplant with the others.
Chandler: Gee, Monica, what’s in the bag?
Monica: I don’t know, Chandler. Let’s take a look.
Phoebe: Oh, it’s like a skit.
Monica: Why, it’s dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
Unfortunately, Monica ends up getting fired because she wasn’t supposed to take the food from the new meat supplier. See? Meat ALWAYS CAUSES TROUBLE. Best to just avoid it completely.
Anyway, we won’t get in trouble for having this food, so let’s make some eggplant. And then we’ll figure out what kind of steak/stake we want to work with. (Side note: I just thought of the most difficult Pictionary challenge ever: the kind of stakes that you mean when you say ‘the stakes are high’. How do you picturize that!!!!)
 Chop this b |
 Boil and cover. Duck and cover |
 Salty dog |
I’m going to give you instructions for extremely simple, fast, and yummy miso-glazed eggplant. This dinner is all about convenience, because I figured out what kind of ‘steak’ I want to use.
MISO-GLAZED EGGPLANT
- One eggplant, chopped into 1-inch pieces
- 2T miso
- 1T tamari
DIRECTIONS:
- Boil the eggplant in about 1 inch of water, covered, for about 10 minutes, until soft.
- Drain the water as best you can, and add the tamari and miso. Stir and cook over medium-high heat for about 10-15 minutes, until everything is browning and infused with the goodness of Asian salt products.
 See there are 5! |
Now for the five steaks…I think instead of whittling my own wooden stakes, I’m going to heat up some already made mandarin chicken pieces from Trader Joe’s. They are like steak. Enough. And they are really good. They come in a close second to the Trader Joe’s Chickenless Nuggets or whatever they are called, in the beige bag. Those are my favorite. Anyway. It’s all good fake chicken.
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It’s eggplant in an eggplant dish!!! Cute
So, this was a fun and slapdash “Friends”-themed dinner! See, even when you are pressed for time (and energy), you can always count on “Friends” to lead the way. Like they said, they’ll be there for you.
- In another storyline, Chandler was pretending to be a man with a much deeper and dorkier voice when a ‘hot-sounding woman’ called. What was this man’s name?
- Ross’s birthday hoopla in this episode includes dinner, cake, and a concert to see what band?
- Who gives Monica a hickey?
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Dinner at Vegan Hotel Saorsa 1875
Recently (okay not actually but time is moving too fast, Adam Sandler hit fast forward again or something) we had dinner at Saorsa 1875, the UK’s first vegan hotel as it bills itself, or the Saoirse Ronan hotel, as we call it. It’s located in Pitlochry, Scotland, a lovely tourist town with a great theatre (see here and here). You can’t have dinner here before seeing a show, though, because it’s a tasting menu restaurant where you need to sit and stay and enjoy, which we love. I guess you could see a matinee and then mosey and then have dinner. So all works out!
At our dinner, we were expecting the 5-course tasting menu we had been reading about since the hotel opened. But apparently that’s only on the weekends now, and we were there on a Monday, when it is 3 courses. A wee disappointment, the weeest really, and it’s also priced accordingly so it was a lot cheaper than we expected! It was still lovely, maybe not as weird Michelin-y tasting-y menu-y as we hoped, more ‘this is normal food that you’ll actually enjoy and will actually fill you’, which is nothing to sneeze at. Maybe we will one day go back for the fivers and see what weird shit they come up with, we love weird shit.
First of all, it’s important to know that there are hotel dogs around, so build in time to your visit for petting them properly. There’s one doggo who is sooo old and so sweet and just ugh so nice LOVES IT.
Saoirse operates dinnertime with like one seating, so all the 8-10 wee tables eat the same things at the same time, pretty much. Don’t worry, there are no family-style tables or anything (at least not since covid I think?) so you are spaced away from all the people coughing and generally being gross. While you wait for your table to be ready, you pet the dogs and you hang out at the bar, which has a really nice list of cocktails (both bar and bat). We tried a watermelony non-alc that was good, and I wanted to order another but couldn’t get anyone’s attention before we were ready to move into the main dining room.
I do wish that they had left us in the bar longer, because we sat at the tables awaiting the first course for about 30 minutes before it came, which whatever but no one was filling water or taking drink orders so I had to nearly diminish the reserves in my bag. That water was for the drive home! So service could deffo use a brush-up. Luckily they did bring little dinner rolls around. You had a choice of charcoal or beetroot, two simply incredible choices for bread, right? So I was like ‘puh puh puh porque no los dos???’ but luckily they were much more generous with the bread through the night than the water so I got to try both. Fill up on bread! My fave thing to do!
Okay then the real food started! First up was our baby corn salad – how ballsy is that considering how many people hate baby corn! I guess that might be an American thing because British people seem to love it? Correct me if I’m wrong! This salad had microgreens, big-balled caperberries (always think of Bridget Jones when faced with caperberries), and grilled baby corn. Okay grilling the bc is the way to go. It was a very decent starter salad, sharp and refreshing. I was still waiting for water during and after this course thoooo.
Onto the main! Let’s note that this was the summer menu (I’m a few months post), and though the first course felt appropriately refreshing and summery, the second felt very much appropriate for now, cold and dark winter. It was GREAT, actually, don’t get me wrong, but it didn’t feel seasonal. Here we have roast butternut squash (I know, like wintertime staple), with spicy pumpkin seed pesto, pickled celery, and lemon balm. First off, LOVING the pickled celery. Second, the pesto really was spicy! Way to go this country! It was a really nice mix of flavors, with the dark spicy pesto and the sharp pickled celery. The squash came two ways – cubed and on a bed of itself pureed. And best of all, the ‘chickpea’ listed in the description ended up being chickpea panisse, or a socca block, pick your romance language. I forking love socca so I was happy. It was so creamy and so good, much better than when I make it and you need to have a lot of water on hand because it swallows kinda dry. I think I need more oil/any oil. ANYWAY, a delicious wintry dish.
Again I waited for water for a long time, but the people are nice so I didn’t throw anything.
After another long wait, we got our dessert, and boy was it worth it!
Probably the best dish? I mean I am biased because it was dessert and it had the two dessert necessities – ice cream and chocolate. But man alive this was good! They really buried the lede with that printed menu just saying ‘chocolate torte’ and not the best part: the ice cream was BANANAS. No not ‘banana’, it was tonka bean and vanilla. I have never been able to try tonka bean anything despite really wanting to because it’s always in a dairy option so I was sooo excited to finally try it. And this ice cream was amaaazing. Like wish I could have bought a tub of it to bring home even though there’s no room in the freezer. We’d make it work. Amazing. The torte was fantastic too, like the densest richest chocolate torte ever. I could have done without the passionfruit gel on top because I think there are very very few times when chocolate and fruit actually go together so if it’s not banana or strawberry it’s just gonna be weird and incongruous. It was sour which I guess they wanted to counter all the sweet, but who wants to counter sweet? Crazy people!
But speaking of weird and incongruous but in a fun and good way: that last lump on the plate was all those things! Here we have peppercorn chocolate mousse. Like it’s nice chocolate mousse and there are peppercorns in there. Just for fun I guess. I don’t know if I liked it or just appreciated the weirdness but it was cool to try (once?).
We decided not to get the additional cheese plate, though many did. We were pretty full (and it costs more, and it was unclear if its 15 to share or 15 each person…it can’t possibly be 15 each person right? woof), though maybe next time I would try it, but only if I could get it before the actual dessert. Excuse me, but having a cheese plate after you’ve had ice cream and chocolate torte feels insane. Like who ever heard of eating an oat cake after you’ve had ice cream? It is nonsense to me. I know you disagree but man, if I’m having ice cream and chocolate why would I destroy that by eating anything else afterward? So weird.
So all in all it was a great dinner. Service left a bit to be desired, as it was pretty hard to get anyone’s attention for water or more drinks (and since they had interesting non-alcs I actually wanted one for the first time!), but they were nice and it was all nice. For £35 per person instead of the £60 for the 5 courses, we were pretty happy that we ended up there for a 3 course night. But hopefully one day we will be able to try the 5 and hopefully they will be weird and wonderful. This meal was much more normal, like regular food, which you know can be nice!
SAORSA 1875, PITLOCHRY, SCOTLAND, UK, CRUMBLING WORLD
Water speed: This is the one area that really could be improved! Like I said it was hard to get attention to ask for water or even to order drinks that we would pay money for! What a shame.
Service: See above but they were nice people. YOUR MA’S GOOD PEOPLE.
Bathrooms: There are two single-serves through the lobby of the hotel, pretty nice! Hotel bathrooms tend to be!
Food: Really good, even though we were expecting weird tasting menu shit, it was nice to eat food recognizable as food!
Bonus: Like I said, fully vegan hotel, dedicated to ethics, dogs around, Saoirse Ronan, what else could you want? They also do lunch, though it is a different vibe (burgers I think?). And one day I’ll be back for that tasting menu!
Vegan Guide to Michelin Restaurants: Ramon Freixa in Madrid, Spain
*This post is part of a series in which I eat fancy Michelin-starred meals and then brag about it.
When we spent a weekend in Madrid this year, Husband surprised me with a reservation for lunch at Ramon Freixa, a restaurant with two (2!) Michelin stars. This was obviously very exciting, although the place is not well-known for its vegan-friendliness. Husband contacted all the best restaurants in Madrid to see who could accommodate vegans the most, and Ramon’s assurances were the most persuasive and promising. And if they didn’t do a good job, at least I could publicly shame them on my blog. Happily, we are doing zero shaming today! (At least on the blog.) Ramon Freixa presented me with a delightful, seemingly endless vegan ‘lunch’ (it lasted well into the evening).
Before we get to the food, let’s talk about the restaurant itself. We were brought to a heated covered patio sort of thing, like a sun room, to wait for our table. We had one of the first reservations of the day and we were a little early so we sat in the lovely little sun room that would have been so much lovelier if it wasn’t January. a few businessmen-type people were doing business at a nearby table. Soon we were led inside, and the restaurant was so clean and shiny and pretty and I realized, erma p, I am quite underdressed. Although I haven’t written in it in a really long time, I do indeed have a Style section on this website. I like to think that I have at least decent taste (and those of you remembering my law school backpack can shove it). So, I am embarrassed to say that the one and only time I believe I was ever, ever underdressed was for this lunch!! Que c’est embarrassant!
The sunroom? bar? |
Our table so pretty! And big! So big! |
My bag has its own little seat!
My favorite thing right off the bat was that, before I could put my (favorite Matt & Nat!) purse on the floor, a staff member literally swept in and placed a metal stool next to my chair for that purpose. I mean. Come on. A seat for my bag? Where am I? This is awesome! I knew then that my napkin would be folded into a swan or elephant every time I went to the bathroom, and that I did not have to worry about my water refills. It’s that kind of place.
Unfortunately for you, the printed menu they gave us is poorly translated and poorly edited of the non-vegan items. I’ll do the best I can to describe things and remember what the crap they were, but I’ll tell you right now, I don’t remember any details. Spoiler: I’m also sharing two pictures of non-vegan foods (the butter dish and a small cheese) because they were the most adorable and awesome-looking things ever, and you can’t really tell what they are anyway.
The first few dishes were already on our table when we were seated, which I very much enjoyed. According to the menu, we have seaweed crackers, “cold and hot citric”, and “the strawberry that wanted to become tomato”, the latter of which is the name of a book or movie or song I’m going to write; I don’t care what it is I need to use that name. The crackers were self-explanatory, nothing special. But the other two components set the bar extremely high for the rest of the meal, at least creativity-wise. The cold and hot citric was a really citrus sorbet but with hot citrus juice poured on top, so it was frozen yet hot and foaming while you ate it. It was delicious, but more than that, it was awesome. Our poor little strawberry friend was a huge surprise, because it looked like a strawberry, little seed dots and all, but it was indeed a tomato. A perfect raw tomato that had somehow been manipulated to look like a strawberry AND to not taste like the usual (gross) raw tomatoes. So cool!
The first few dishes were already on our table when we were seated, which I very much enjoyed. According to the menu, we have seaweed crackers, “cold and hot citric”, and “the strawberry that wanted to become tomato”, the latter of which is the name of a book or movie or song I’m going to write; I don’t care what it is I need to use that name. The crackers were self-explanatory, nothing special. But the other two components set the bar extremely high for the rest of the meal, at least creativity-wise. The cold and hot citric was a really citrus sorbet but with hot citrus juice poured on top, so it was frozen yet hot and foaming while you ate it. It was delicious, but more than that, it was awesome. Our poor little strawberry friend was a huge surprise, because it looked like a strawberry, little seed dots and all, but it was indeed a tomato. A perfect raw tomato that had somehow been manipulated to look like a strawberry AND to not taste like the usual (gross) raw tomatoes. So cool!
Hot and cold citric |
Strawberries but really tomatoes! |
Next, we were brought small bread rolls that we got to choose from an enormous and varied basket (yay and I wanted all of them). I was given a little dish of some of the greatest olive oil ever, while Husband was given a hockey puck and a rock. I kid you not. A hockey puck and a rock. He called over a waiter and asked, “Um…so…what do I do with these objects?” Judging from past experience, we assumed the rock was very very hot and that it was a cooking stone for an ingredient to be presented (this is actually based on past experience, not joking). But the waiter showed us that the hockey puck was actually a butter dish (the butter was the middle) and the rock was a soft piece of cheese that happened to have a slate grey shell formed around it. I mean, I was cracking up. My favorite things that I never ate and don’t want anyone to eat!
THANKS, BREAD! |
I’m sorry it’s a non-veg item but come on this is hilarious it was a rock |
Tell me this isn’t a hockey puck! |
Tomatoes on a cracker but amazing
After being served basket bread, it turned out that our next real dish was more bread! Yay! Well, it was a crispbread, luckily, because we got basket bread multiple times. (Michelin restaurants in Spain give bread! Who knew!) The cracker was doused in amazing olive oil and salt, and topped with delicious tomatoes and tomato pulp. I don’t usually get excited about raw tomatoes, but this was so so great. Like the cracker version of the best bruschetta ever.
The next two small plates are mysteries. They were both good, one incredible and one fine, but I’m just not sure what they were. I think the fantastic one was a lentil cracker with some kind of cheesy root vegetable and crispy things on top. It was such a lovely little bite I could have had 100 of them. It was also served upon a white ceramic tree stump. Hot damn I love the stuff fancy restaurants use. The fine one I think was chia seeds; the menu says ‘veggy roe’ which is pretty accurate for chia pudding actually. It had chopped carrot or winter squash in there and some seaweed.
The next two small plates are mysteries. They were both good, one incredible and one fine, but I’m just not sure what they were. I think the fantastic one was a lentil cracker with some kind of cheesy root vegetable and crispy things on top. It was such a lovely little bite I could have had 100 of them. It was also served upon a white ceramic tree stump. Hot damn I love the stuff fancy restaurants use. The fine one I think was chia seeds; the menu says ‘veggy roe’ which is pretty accurate for chia pudding actually. It had chopped carrot or winter squash in there and some seaweed.
Uncle cracker |
Chia pudding? |
The following dish was actually a dish (huge news!), on a dish, and was a little miracle. Not kidding, this plate I think was my favorite, one of the best parts of the meal. It included ‘steamed truffle made of truffle’ and ‘vanilla souffle potatoes’. Let’s start with the truffle made of truffle. It was perfect black truffle whipped into a truffle shape. I have never had real truffles before, aside from an odd dash of lower-quality truffle oil at some places, so it was pretty awesome to have my first legit truffle be an enormous glob of the good stuff. And I mean enormous. It was probably too much for the dish, and I’m sure other people would have had trouble finishing the insanely rich delicacy, but I loved it. Erma. I’m such a convert to truffles now. Not that I have ever bought anything truffle or had any since.
Bests
So so cool
That’s a lot of super rich truffle! It was so so good. Anyone who thinks truffles are so over are crazy. And they sound pretentious. Now I’m cracking up hearing Louis CK do his pretentious white girl voice saying “truffles are soo ooover.” Anyway, that wasn’t even the best part of this plate. That lone slice of potato that looks kind of sad, the one wearing the hat? was the most incredible, creative, and surprisingly delicious part of this whole meal. When they told us it was a vanilla potato, we were like…umm…that’s going to be gross. A for creativity and trying to be unique, but what? No, we were very wrong. It was spectacular! Purely vanilla, but still proper to be eating with savory food. So incredible! Here’s a close-up so you can see the vanilla bean goodness.
After such rich food, I was grateful that the next dish was lighter and healthier, although it did taste healthier to if you know what I mean. This was a bean log, made of pureed white beans, rolled in broccoli dust, with shaved raw truffles at the ends. (Raw truffles do not taste like whipped awesome truffles.) This did taste a little like plain beans and raw broccoli, but I am vegan so I really enjoyed it.
After such rich food, I was grateful that the next dish was lighter and healthier, although it did taste healthier to if you know what I mean. This was a bean log, made of pureed white beans, rolled in broccoli dust, with shaved raw truffles at the ends. (Raw truffles do not taste like whipped awesome truffles.) This did taste a little like plain beans and raw broccoli, but I am vegan so I really enjoyed it.
Ah but next up was another rich dish! Well, a rich and crazy soup, really, or tea…or coffee. On the menu, it is called ‘from tea to cappuccino’, and it was another mind-boggling creation. A cup of hot mushroom broth was topped with a thick salted celery foam that I’m pretty sure is responsible for one of the Michelin stars. Celery foam! After you got through the ‘cappuccino’ foam, you got to the mushroom ‘tea’. Incredible little cup of wonder!
Grilled veggies, I just can’t finish you!
As expected with a restaurant that isn’t primarily vegan-focused, one of my ‘main’ dishes was grilled vegetables. But, it was pretty wonderful! There was a small cauliflower steak, perfectly oily mushrooms, asparagus tips, pearl onions, Brussels sprouts, tiny whole carrots, and a wonderful rich sauce underneath it all. This dish was described in the menu as being ‘like an animated forest’. I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s awesome.
By now you probably realize, whew, this is a lot of food, we must be getting near dessert, right? And you said this was lunch?! Nope, two more savory courses to go! Luckily, even though I was quite (QUITE) full, the next two plates were some of my favorite things ever. First off, we got tofu! It was sooo goood. And so surprising! They must work with tofu regularly because otherwise I just don’t know how they made this so well. It tasted like it was marinated in soy sauce, and it was really firm and incredibly smooth (not grainy), which I rarely find in tofu regardless of the source. The tofu sat on a bed of fresh peas, and it was all seasoned so lightly but so well. So cool!
Really good tofu!
We ended the savory food section on a high note, with a tiny hot soup of fresh peas and..a grain? topped with grilled radicchio. This was so perfect, I wish I could recreate it to have for dinner on a cold winter’s night. Or a cold summer night; I am in London still wearing longs and longs in July.
After such an impressive array of food, it was only natural that the desserts wouldn’t be able to reach the same high levels. They did a remarkable job with the food, for a restaurant that doesn’t usually serve vegans, but dessert is harder for most places. I got two beautiful if simple fruit dishes, one that came with a poof of Smurf hair cotton candy. Pretty fun!
Another tree stump ! |
Vegan Smurf |
All in all, it was a splendid meal, and definitely recommended if you are looking for a duper fancy restaurant in Madrid. I think I’m still full from it.
RAMON FREIXA, MADRID, SPAIN
Water speed: Total bosses! I think there was a waiter who was solely responsible for watering me.
Service: See above. Pretty great.
Bathrooms: Omg the bathrooms were so funny. The restaurant decor was all golds and whites and silvers, very simple chic, and then the bathroom was like neon yellow and futuristic plastic stuff, so funny. There were incredibly fancy soaps and lotions too; I considered pulling a ‘Broad City’ and filling up a plastic bag with them.
Food: Really wonderful overall. Some dishes were basic but the average was brought up pretty high due to some standouts.
Bonus: Pretty sure we were dining with the richest Japanese businessmen planning coups and stuff. Also people were wearing hilarious dinner jackets. Like hilarious.