January 19, 2023
Challenge Accepted: Saint Joseph's Pants Cavazoon (Sweet Chickpea Calzone) & Happy St. Joseph's Day! by Randi / March 19, 2014
Not since “The Light in the Piazza” has a score so overflowed with emotion and moved its audience with its beauty. For classic heart-wrenching ballads that hearken back to the golden age of Broadway, “The Bridges of Madison County” is the show to see this season. I can’t wait to see it again just to hear the gorgeous, romantic score, of a type not seen on Broadway in a long while, sung live. Thanks to the always astounding Kelli O’Hara, perhaps the best interpreter of lush, romantic scores, and the fantastic musical newcomer Stephen Pasquale, this show absolutely captivates.
In “Bridges” the musical, a National Geographic photographer upends the life of a lonely Italian housewife living in Iowa. In town for a few days to photograph the county’s famous bridges, the photographer, Robert (Stephen Pasquale) falls in love with Francesca (Kelli O’Hara) and presents her with a life-changing opportunity. The well-known novel and movie versions are topped, because a musical is the best way to tell a romantic story. Also, musicals are allowed to be somewhat corny, so the story works better here. The whole town is unsettled, knocked off its staid monotonous track with the arrival of the hippie photographer, who fortuitously knocked on Francesca’s door.
It’s no coincidence that O’Hara is partly responsible for the splendor of both “Bridges” and “Piazza”, the two most romantic scores on Broadway since “West Side Story”. Her voice is the stuff wildly romantic songs rely upon. She only gets more expressive and more sophisticated in performance with each Broadway season. It would be a mistake if she didn’t take home the Tony this year.
Steven Pasquale is unbelievably making his Broadway musical debut, and presenting a showcase in how to be a leading male heartthrob. (At the stage door, this 7-foot-tall Russian woman, wearing 5-inch open-toed stilettos in winter and smoking 7 cigarettes during the 20 minutes we waited, had Pasquale sign her fully exposed breast without have English at her disposal. Suffice it to say the rest of the waiting crowd was horrified.) He is just so great. His Robert is up there with Matthew Morrison’s Fabrizio for perfect male love story performances. As the show progresses, and as we get to know the character more, his voice opens up and takes control not only of the house but seemingly of the entire theatre district. I cannot think of another male vocal performance as commendable this season (save Ramin Karimloo in “Les Miserables”, but Les Mis shouldn’t count).
The show’s book is much more decent than I would have expected with such a doe-eyed show. There were a few clunky lines and transitions, but for the most part everything flowed. The best part of the book came from Francesca’s neighbors, the old married couple Marge and Charlie (Cass Morgan and Michael X. Martin). Nosy but lovable Marge knows something is up with her neighbor and pesters her husband about what he would do if she cheated on him. Their neighborly interactions, nosy wonderings, and hilarious repartee is a very necessary comedic relief in this very cryfest of a show. The single funniest part is unspoken, just Marge pressed against her screen door and reaching for binoculars. Amazing. The best line, though, comes from Francesca, when Robert makes a comment on what brought him to Iowa and she says it was “the patron saint of Iowa housewives.” Italians and their patron saints. (Although in the opening song, Francesca’s accent sounded Irish. Whatever, it was still beautiful.)
My other favorite part of the book was when Robert said he was a vegetarian because he “just feels better when [he] doesn’t eat meat.” Score! And when he gathers vegetables from the garden, Francesca comments that he didn’t get kale, which she would have expected because it is a very American thing. Or something very current about the obsession with kale. Tee hee.
The only part I didn’t care too much about was all the time spent at the fair, where Francesca’s husband (Hunter Foster) and kids went during this week. One hitchy-giddyup song was kind of irritating, as was the “Oh I’m in Iowa” song that came instead of a needed emotional release.
But it is worth the ticket price alone to hear the standout moment of the show, the Act II duet between Francesca and Robert called “One Second & A Million Miles”. It is so gorgeous, the girl in front of me started sobbing at its beauty. As did the girl behind her.
The very “500 Days of Summer”-esque staging of the ‘fantasy’ and ‘actual’ endings, when she makes her choice between staying with her family or leaving with her love, is extremely effective and heartbreaking. The show is overall wonderful and should have a long run, but it is facing a challenge from the abundance of quality shows running right now. Hopefully, people won’t assume that they already know this story from the movie or the book and will instead take in one of the most beautiful shows in a while.
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The Mastersingers of Nuremberg at the English National Opera: Richard Wagner was a Sumbitch
When the representative for the English National Opera took to the stage at 3pm on a recent Saturday and announced that one of the principal actors had a gastrointestinal infection, but would still be performing, and they were just asking for our understanding, well then you knew you were in for a treat of a day. When a prim and proper British woman who works in opera informs you just for the sake of informing you that an opera singer about to sing in front of you might crap his pants onstage, that’s worth the ticket price alone.
And when the people seated next to me were talking about the run time a few minutes before curtain, and one turned to me and asked, “Wait, is this really close to 4 hours?”, and I said “Actually it’s more like 5,” and then I was corrected that it was closer to 6 (with intermissions), well you knew the whole thing would be quite special.
And when the people seated next to me were talking about the run time a few minutes before curtain, and one turned to me and asked, “Wait, is this really close to 4 hours?”, and I said “Actually it’s more like 5,” and then I was corrected that it was closer to 6 (with intermissions), well you knew the whole thing would be quite special.
“The Mastersingers of Nuremberg” is one of Wagner’s supposed masterpieces, not that I think this anti-Semitic assrat really should be considered the creator of masterpieces. Regardless, I went to see for myself, and by god, it was sung in English instead of German. I mean. People. Do the operas in the language in which they were written. I don’t watch the dubbed over version of “Life is Beautiful” and I sure as hell don’t want to hear terribly translated lyrics plunked onto melodies they weren’t meant for. A few years ago, in Vienna, we saw “Rigoletto”, one of Verdi’s masterpieces (actual), and the bastards did it in German. It was HIDEO. I swore I’d only see operas performed in their original languages after that. But I got free tickets to “Mastersingers” and so whatever. It was worth it so I could see in the flesh how bonkers Wagner was. Did he have syphilis? That’s always the cause of ancient times people being craybies.
So “Mastersingers” is an opera in three acts, each one the length of a decent movie, or a regular opera. The show begins in a church with like 100 people who you never see again singing hymns. At the end of the church service, a knight just passing through sees this young girl Eva and falls in love with her (naturally) and she falls in love with him (naturally) and then he approaches her and says hello and what not. Her maid informs the knight that no, the girl isn’t yet engaged, but she’s about to be, because her father is the leader of the Mastersingers guild and has promised his daughter as the prize in the upcoming singing competition. What a cool dad! So the knight, Walther, you’re probably not supposed to pronounce the ‘h’ but I do, has the great idea to audition for the Mastersingers, be invited to join the guild, and then win the competition and be able to marry this young girl he just fell in love with when he saw her from across the room even though her dress is hideous and she wears it the entire show.
Walther goes to the guild meeting, where Eva’s father sings about how great their guild is and how pretty their costumes are. Before he enters, David (Han Sachs’s apprentice (Hans Sachs is the lead role but like is no one important??)) teaches Walther how to sing like a master. In a very confusing lecture, David apparently says that there must be birds, and flowers, but not trees, or some such absolute hilarious nonsense that no one would understand. Walther still tries to audition, with a song about love of course because he’s an expert in that biz now, but is laughed at because he doesn’t know how they do. The town clerk, Beckmesser, is a guild member who reeeeally wants to win the marriage prize and he is really mad that they let Walther audition at all. He makes fun of him a lot. He also is clearly Wagner’s Jewish character, as he’s rich and greedy and cheap and the villain and Wagner wants everyone to hate him, just like he wanted everyone to hate Jews. Wagner’s the worst. Beckmesser is like who let this amateur into our club? And Hans Sachs is like hey be nice, why can’t we give this guy a chance? And Beckmesser’s all “Shut up Hans Sachs and go finish making my shoes dammit why you taking so long to make my shoes?” Hans Sachs is a shoemaker p.s.
First intermission. We moved down to better seats. Then we made friends with old people and tried to identify all the famous German notables on the curtain. Oh yeah, the show curtain was a freaking mass of maybe 200 scary white faces, all famous Germans, including Goethe, Marlena Dietrich, prob lots of Nazis.
The beginning of Act Two is probably my favorite part. We open in the alley between Hans Sachs’s shop/house and Eva’s father’s house. David is informing Eva’s maid Magdalena, who is also David’s secretish lover, that Walther failed his Mastersinger audition. Magdalena becomes so upset for Eva’s future that she forgets to give David the food she brought for him, and then everyone in the vicinity makes fun of him before Hans Sachs saves him and ushers him back to the shop. Let’s go over that. The most terribly sad thing Wagner could think of having the maid do in her sadness was to forget to feed her boyfriend. And then the whole town mocks him because he didn’t get food gifts from his girlfriend that night. I’m obsessed.
Then we see Eva and her father talk about the audition. Her father expresses a little bit of doubt about hosting a singing competition as the means of finding his daughter’s husband. Good thinking, man. He gets over his 2-minute span of doubt right quick though and is all “nahhh whatevs this plan is great, not weird, totally normal for this time period.” He goes to sleep while Eva talks to Hans Sachs about Walther. Hans is like ugh he totally messed up even though we tried to teach him, so you’re probably gonna marry Beckmesser, sorry. And Eva’s like oh god dammit Hans, can’t you at least enter the competition? I’d be okay with marrying you. I mean, I love that new guy, what’s his name, Walther, but I’d be happy with you. Hans is like bitch you tripping.
Then Walther, who, remember, is a knight, and probably left a much cooler life wherever he came from, comes by in the middle of the knight and talks to Eva. They’re wondering whether they should elope but then Beckmesser that awful Jew (Wagner’s words) comes by to serenade his future bride. Since Eva is outside cavorting with Walther, her wonderful maid Magdalena pretends to be Eva at her bedroom window. So Beckmesser is singing to Magdalena, thinking it’s Eva, and Hans Sachs is sitting on his front stoop cobbling Beckmesser’s shoes. It’s all a big jumble of activity in the middle of the night because these people have no regard for their neighbors who are TRYING TO SLEEP DAMMIT. Beckmesser’s singing, Eva and Walther are trying to be quiet in the shadows, Hans Sachs is cobbling and hammering, and then David comes out of Hans Sachs’s house (they live together?) and sees Beckmesser serenading his girlfriend and so he attacks him. David and Beckmesser start fighting and then THE ENTIRE TOWN JOINS IN THE FIGHT. And then everyone is like left in their underwear! And all those people from the very first scene about 4 hours ago are finally given another part in the show and beat up the guys! And then Hans Sachs sends Eva home so she doesn’t elope and the riot sort of stops! And then! Omg and then! This awful scary figure in black holding a lantern comes out of the shadows singing a dirge-like tune – it’s the Night Watchman, and he’s dressed in Angie’s Maleficent costume, headgear and all. It is REDONK. End Act Two.
Intermission Number Two. We go outside and get dinner and ice cream. I am surprised at the number of people out on the streets still and then I realize it’s not even 7pm.
Act Three. There are noticeably fewer people in the theatre. This is a marathon, people. Commitment is half the battle. So we open in Hans Sachs’s shop and he is reading. I remember being bored. The guy playing Hans Sachs is a really good singer though. His name is Iain Paterson. Walther appears and Hans Sachs tries again to teach him how to sing in the Mastersingers style. This time is more successful, and Walther composes a pretty beautiful song. For the first time all day, I thought, oh wow, that’s lovely, I don’t feel like I am being bombarded by the noise of clanging pots, Richard.
This is where things got confusing. Walther leaves to get dressed for the festival, and Beckmesser arrives, still torn up and hurt from his beating the night before. Like, FFS Wagner, this guy really didn’t do anything. He’s mean and annoying but Wagner clearly wants the audience to delight in his misfortune and pain here because he’s so goddamn anti-Semitic. What an asstard. Beckmesser sees the new song on Hans’s desk, and it’s in Hans’s handwriting because he transcribed it while Walther was singing and composing it. But Beckmesser sees that it’s in Hans’s writing, Hans doesn’t correct him, and Beckmesser gets mad assuming that Hans is entering the competition. This is a big problem for Beck because the great Hans Sachs is the best singer or something and is serious competition. Beckmesser’s all “Aw come on Hans you’re breaking my barrrrs!” So Hans gives Beckmesser the song that Walther just wrote. He just gives it to him. And he warns him that it’s hard to sing so he better be careful. Like that’s Hans’s plan, to have Beckmesser sing Walther’s great song but not practice it enough so he ends up messing up and embarrassing himself. Whaaat a plan.
Then Eva arrives and weirdly so weirdly flirts with Hans. She clearly came looking for Walther, and when she didn’t see him, thought the next best idea was to trick Hans into thinking she came looking for him. She dumb. But then Walther comes downstairs and she like cries out in joy and Hans is like see, you love him, and she is like yeah sorry I played with your heart I got lost in the game oh baby baby. Then David and Magdalena appear, and Hans Sachs promotes David from apprentice to whatever is above that, and also is like hey you two should get married, you have my blessing, which apparently was necessary for a man’s sort-of boss to give back then even though both men are clearly over 50 years old. And then the only fantastic part of the entire thing occurs: All five of these characters sing a beautiful quintet with little to no accompaniment, and the opera should have ended there. It was gorgeous. During the applause after this movement, I actually started gathering my things because I thought it was the end. It should have been. But then there was another hour and a half.
But of course it couldn’t be over – we have to see the festival in its entirety! First, all the guilds in Nuremberg show off their skills and wares. It’s the most random procession. We see different art works on display, and like metalworks I think, and then all of a sudden there are five gigantic soft pretzels on display for judging and one gets a blue ribbon. WHAT IS THIS SHOW. I really wanted a pretzel.
Then the Mastersingers have their competition in front of the entire town. Beckmesser sings the song he got from Hans, but he didn’t practice and has no idea how it’s supposed to go so it’s a huge mess of a thing and it’s really awkward and everyone has fremdschamen which they actually know they have because it’s their word, the Germans.
Beckmesser tells everyone that he didn’t write this crap, that Hans Sachs did. Everyone gasps, they all actually gasp, because erma p, how could the great Hans Sachs’s have written this terrible song? Hans is like, people please, A) I didn’t write it, and B) it’s actually a good song so why not let the guy who wrote it sing it how it’s supposed to be sung? And then Walther sings and everyone realizes he should be a Master and so they make him one and announce him the winner of the competition/young girl and Eva is so happy that she can marry the guy she fell in love with yesterday.
BUT THEN, Walther steps back with Hans Sachs and is like…um…Hans…I changed my mind! I don’t want to be a Master NOR do I want to marry this rando! And Hans, oh my god, Hans gives a speech that actually had me rolling in my seat laughing, not believing what was happening in front of me. Hans Sachs, in an effort to convince Walther to accept his prize (a wife) and to become a member of the Masters guild, sings a prolonged speech about how important it is to be German, to continue German art, and how even art like Walther’s that is different and challenging still has to be performed within the existing culture and framework in order to, well, exist, and that he and everyone and all of Germany need “Germany” like their current system/government in order to make their art, be happy, and live good lives. In order to respect Germany and all the good things Germany has done, Walther needs to marry this girl. And then, just when you think this suddenly North Korean ending can’t get weirder, THE WHOLE CAST PULLS OUT LIFE SIZE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF THE FAMOUS GERMANS THAT WERE PICTURED ON THE SHOW CURTAIN, LIKE FROM BEHIND THE ACTORS COME HUGE STANDEES OF GOETHE AND VARIOUS GRIMMS AND OTTO VON BISMARCK AND WHO THE HELL KNOWS AND THAT’S HOW THIS SHOW ENDED AND OH MY GOD IT WAS THE CRAZIEST THING EVER.
There’s one more performance, Tuesday March 10. If you have seven free hours, you should go. Or just catch the ending. Worth it.
Academy Award Predictions: Happy Oscars Everybody!
My dog Oscar chewing on an Oscar
It’s the most wonderful tiiiime of the year!!! Yes here we are again, the Academy Awards, the greatest achievement in popularity in all of entertainment, the source of agita to end all agita. What do you think will happen come Sunday night? Will “12 Years a Slave” win the big one? Will idiots who want to seem in the know award “American Hustle” the best original screenplay award for absolutely no discernible reason? Will Lupita Nyong’o cap off her incredible red carpet season with the best gown of the night, or will Cate Blanchett continue her reign as queen of everything? Here’s what I think will happen, what I want to happen, and what better not happen. Let me know what you think in the comments.
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BEST PICTURE
BEST DIRECTOR
BEST ACTOR
BEST ACTRESS
“Do you think I give two shits? I’m the coolest person there is regardless of silly awards.” 
“I am perfection.” BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
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BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
BEST ORIGINAL SONG
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As I said in my review of all the movies in contention, “12 Years A Slave” is the most deserving film. “Gravity” is coming in at a close second according to predictors like Nate Silver and his friends, but it wouldn’t be as deserving. The real shame here is that absence of “Saving Mr. Banks”, which was one of the best of the year, and definitely better than 7 of the 9 nominees.
Although “Gravity” is not the best picture of the year, Cuaron’s direction is a big achievement in a new phase of special effects technology. He should win this one, so long as “12 Years” wins the big one.
There were so so many great male performances this year, so someone worthy had to be snubbed. However, one of the major snubbees, like Redford, whom people said was going to win at one point for chrissakes, should have been nominated over Bale, who is always great but nothing special in “Hustle”. McConaughey surprised many by sweeping all the major awards leading up to this weekend, but so many people want to reward him for his comeback, so that’s understandable. It just sucks that his parade runs over what should have been Chiwetel’s celebration. Not that Matthew wasn’t fantastic or hell maybe even the best of the year. It just shouldn’t have been such a landslide.
While this list of leading ladies is extremely impressive (Amy Adams’s great performance is the one thing I’m willing to commend “Hustle” on, that and hairdos), Emma Thompson’s snub is atrocious. Many thought her performance was one for the ages and a strong contender for the winner, yet she’s not on this list. It could be because the category is so strong, but the overall snubbery of “Banks” is so awful that it all seems connected. Like voters got sick of people saying during recent years how the most awarded films, like “The Artist” and “Argo”, were about the industry and how the industry just likes to reward itself and pat itself on the back, so this year voters were like, “Hey, let’s not let those critics say that this year; let’s not reward this movie about the industry even though it’s one of the best of the year.” And so Emma Thompson was a casualty of that, which blows. But it doesn’t really matter, because as I said in my recap, Blanchett’s performance is SICKMAZING.
Jared Leto has so many things in his favor going into Sunday night: He’s been away from acting for freaking years, focusing on his music instead, and his first shot out of the gate is this incredible performance in a heavily lauded movie. He’s also playing a tragic, kindhearted transgender woman named Rayon, a part up there with Holocaust roles for the most likely to win Oscars. He was incredible, too, so it’s all good.
Lupita was incredible in her first major film role, and really better win. If Jennifer Lawrence wins another award this year just because people want to be her friend and want her to think they’re cool for thinking she’s cool, I’ma be real mad. Last year was her year! Not this year! Argh! Lupita! I love you!
I hope “12 Years” will take this one, but I’d be thrilled with an upset by “Before Midnight”, which had a sensational, genius script, or “Philomena”, because I’d love a Steve Coogan acceptance speech.
I loved loved “Her”, and if it’s going to win any award, best original screenplay is the one, because damn if it wasn’t the best original screenplay in years. You know what shouldn’t win? “Hustle”, which had great performances but damn if it wasn’t the most disappointing script in years.
Best movie everrrr!
HERE I STAAAAND AND HERE I’LL STAYYYY! |
Other things that should happen:
- “Gravity” should win all the visual and technical awards
- Idina Menzel should get a standing ovation
- Kerry Washington, presenter and fixer, should say something about everything being handled
- “Blackfish” should win Best Documentary on a write-in vote because it was inexplicably snubbed
- John Williams should win best score, for “The Book Thief”, for the first time in more than 20 years
- Some really drunk winner should say how the Oscars don’t really mean anything
- Host Ellen DeGeneres will make everyone laugh at good-natured, well-meaning, completely nonthreatening and non-harmful jokes
HAPPY OSCARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
