January 19, 2023
The 2015 Tony Awards: 50 or So Random Thoughts That Are Very Importantby Randi / June 8, 2015
A week ago, I was in Austin, Texas, for the third and supposedly-final-but-I don’t-believe-it Vida Vegan Con. Well, actually, a week ago I was landing at Heathrow but that eastbound overnight flight is like two days long and there’s a time change and I don’t even know what day it is today so let’s just say a week ago. Anyway, Vida Vegan Con was amazing. I was a speaker (see the badge on the homepage like rightthere?), sharing all my important knowledge about the law that bloggers need to know. (If you have questions about legal issues you can ask me but remember I’m not your lawyer unless you pay me and sign shit but we can work that out.) I will be writing about this incredible experience and the supportive community it assembles and strengthens more in upcoming posts. Today, we gotta talk about the food. Well, one kind of food: stuff stuffed into tortillas.
That’s actually on a plate; the plate just happened to be exactly tortilla-sized.
Austin is the taco capital of America, possibly the world because a) it’s a mecca for vegan taco establishments and b) the Taco Cleanse was created there. I ate a lot of tacos. One night, I asked my friend what I should eat for dinner, x or tacos, and she was like, “Get x because you’ve had a lot of tacos”, and I was horrified at the thought of having something besides tacos. So that is a good way to make a decision: have someone suggest not having tacos and you’ll realize you want tacos. Phoebe should add that to the ‘North route or South route’ game, x or tacos. Ball of twine or beard of bees.*
Anyway, it’s been over a week (#honesty) since I had tacos in Texas, and that’s enough time for withdrawal symptoms, y’all, I’m saying in my southern drawl obviously. So today I thought, I’m gonna make spicy beans and other crap and put it in a tortilla and feel like I’m in Austin again, even though today I wore a SWEATER and a JACKET outside and was still very chilly and it’s June ffs. I was so windswept and ready to call my outside time that I bought giant burrito-sized tortillas instead of taco-sized tortillas, and they weren’t even corn. Hey, I live in the City, I have limited options given how far I am willing/able to wander before getting lost. (Hint: not very far.) But the giant tortillas I found happened to be Ezekiel’s sprouted grain shebangs, which I love, so that’s good.
Still, we know right off the bat that my taco plan wasn’t going to end up as tacos. Hey, you fail to plan, you know what they say, you make an ass of us. I figured with the giant tortillas, I could make a burrito, even though I’m awful/awesome at wrapping such things because I overstuff them beyond what you thought was possible. And I’m not an authentic cooker of this cuisine in the least: to quote Lucy, “I not a Mexican!”* But it was still going to be delicious, and doggonit, it was.
Anyway, it’s been over a week (#honesty) since I had tacos in Texas, and that’s enough time for withdrawal symptoms, y’all, I’m saying in my southern drawl obviously. So today I thought, I’m gonna make spicy beans and other crap and put it in a tortilla and feel like I’m in Austin again, even though today I wore a SWEATER and a JACKET outside and was still very chilly and it’s June ffs. I was so windswept and ready to call my outside time that I bought giant burrito-sized tortillas instead of taco-sized tortillas, and they weren’t even corn. Hey, I live in the City, I have limited options given how far I am willing/able to wander before getting lost. (Hint: not very far.) But the giant tortillas I found happened to be Ezekiel’s sprouted grain shebangs, which I love, so that’s good.
Still, we know right off the bat that my taco plan wasn’t going to end up as tacos. Hey, you fail to plan, you know what they say, you make an ass of us. I figured with the giant tortillas, I could make a burrito, even though I’m awful/awesome at wrapping such things because I overstuff them beyond what you thought was possible. And I’m not an authentic cooker of this cuisine in the least: to quote Lucy, “I not a Mexican!”* But it was still going to be delicious, and doggonit, it was.
SPICY LENTIL AND MISO TEMPEH TACO/BURRITO/NONSENSE POCKET
For overstuffing into this wondrous crackerpocket, we have an awesome spicy green lentil and vegetable mix, miso baked tempeh, a grain, a lettuce, and spiralized zucchini. Make it all or whatever. We don’t have avocado because eating what’s sold as avocado in England so soon after eating the most incredible avocados in south Texas sounds like a terrible thing to do for one’s mental stability.
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FIRST: Miso Baked Tempeh Ingredients:
Directions:
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I used jarred minced ginger and garlic for this because I got better shit to do, y’all. Also my knives are dull. 
Glamour shot 
The light in my kitchen is above my head so no matter where I stand I cast a shadow. It’s a cruel thing. Also how cute is my Qatari oven mitt? |
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SECOND: Spicy Green Lentils
Ingredients:
Directions:
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This big zucchini fucker rolled off the counter, before I had the good sense to put it on a towel, and rolled right onto my foot, building up momentum on that long fall and it hurt so freaking much. Damn you zucchini. I ate you. 
Stir it upppp 
I am so good at this |
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THIRD: Make a grain
Ingredients:
Directions:
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It’s so good with vegan butter even though it’s not Earth Balance. |
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FOURTH: Spiralize Zucchini
God I love this machine. I must give thanks to Jojo for giving me her unused spiralizer, even though she supported my eventual move to Britain for years and years and then the day THE DAY I finally moved here, she decided to “travel professionally” i.e. leave me on this island without her. THANKS DUDE. (No but really thanks.) |
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ASSEMBLE! Get your giant tortilla or normal sized ones if you are making tacos, and layer all the components like so:
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That’s the coolest photographic thing I’ve ever done. Yay. It’s like the Brady Bunch but for Mexican food. Anyway build it up, add too much of each filling like I do, add avocado if you live in the right place, add cilantro if you remember to buy it, add a cheese sauce maybe. I added some leftover hummus dressing (hummus dressing = watery hummus, btw) and a bit of the Parma! vegan parmesan that came in the Vida Vegan Con Swag Bag O’ Wonder (pictured)! That was such a great little kick.
So then came the best part, when I tried to wrap it up. Um. Because they are imported, Ezekiel wraps and breads are only available frozen in the UK, so I had to heat it in the oven. Do you know what happens to an Ezekiel sprouted grain wrap 15 seconds after it is out of the oven? It hardens. Into a cracker. Oops. No wrapping up for you, mister! The only thing I could do was just fold it over into a giant hard taco sort of thing and you know what, I think I like it better that way. More chance of things falling out, like some sort of game!
So then came the best part, when I tried to wrap it up. Um. Because they are imported, Ezekiel wraps and breads are only available frozen in the UK, so I had to heat it in the oven. Do you know what happens to an Ezekiel sprouted grain wrap 15 seconds after it is out of the oven? It hardens. Into a cracker. Oops. No wrapping up for you, mister! The only thing I could do was just fold it over into a giant hard taco sort of thing and you know what, I think I like it better that way. More chance of things falling out, like some sort of game!
I don’t even know what that metal spike is. I didn’t have a toothpick, not that that would have been strong enough to hold this monster together. But seriously, what is that piece of metal from…
If you follow me on Instagram (link at top), you saw that when I finished this monster, the end fell apart and I dropped it onto the plate AND IT WAS THE BAT SIGNAL! APPARENTLY I AM A VEGAN SUPERHERO. Prettayyyy cool.
*as usual with things that are asterisked in my posts: if you understand a reference or a joke or a quote and you comment that you get it, you get bonus points for any giveaways I do. If you attended my VVC talk, you know that the type of giveaway I always choose to run is a ‘contest’, because I like judging and winning on merit, not chance.
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Yangon (Rangoon) & Bagan, Myanmar (Burma): Gritty, Golden Lands
Bagan, Burma
Before I went to Myanmar, better known as Burma, last year, my knowledge of the military-ruled country came courtesy of J. Peterman on Seinfeld. I assumed that when I arrived, I’d be able to buy melons off of boys’ motorbikes. While this was essentially true, I also learned so much about this very problematic yet alluring country, and had the time of my life.
First off: My boyfriend and I consider ourselves intrepid travelers and we like to plan everything ourselves in the most authentic way possible. However, all of our initial research about traveling in Burma recommended having a private company book everything in advance in order to avoid common problems with corruption and bribery. Considering how difficult the decision to actually go to Burma was, since we’d be supporting the horrible government with at least some of our dollars, we had the great people at Santa Maria Travels & Tours book our hotels, internal flights, and activities. Using a company like Santa Maria helps ensure that you stay in privately owned hotels, rather than state-owned, so a small percentage of your money would go to the government, rather than all of it. Having contacts in the country to help us should problems arise (and arise they did) definitely helped make this challenging trip a bit more manageable. (Also, what finally convinced me to take this trip? That President Obama had decided to go there, arriving just when we were leaving. Also, Anthony Bourdain came around then too.)
Immediately upon landing in Yangon (Rangoon), our first guide met us and took us to Shwedagon Paya, the most famous pagoda in Myanmar. (Ok, you are correct that I keep switching between Myanmar and Burma. Myanmar is the official name, changed by the military government in 1989, but many people we met were not happy about that. So I’m going to go with whatever sounds best in each sentence.) The most sacred pagoda for the Burmese Buddhist people, Shwedagon Paya is also the grandest and most famous.
First off: My boyfriend and I consider ourselves intrepid travelers and we like to plan everything ourselves in the most authentic way possible. However, all of our initial research about traveling in Burma recommended having a private company book everything in advance in order to avoid common problems with corruption and bribery. Considering how difficult the decision to actually go to Burma was, since we’d be supporting the horrible government with at least some of our dollars, we had the great people at Santa Maria Travels & Tours book our hotels, internal flights, and activities. Using a company like Santa Maria helps ensure that you stay in privately owned hotels, rather than state-owned, so a small percentage of your money would go to the government, rather than all of it. Having contacts in the country to help us should problems arise (and arise they did) definitely helped make this challenging trip a bit more manageable. (Also, what finally convinced me to take this trip? That President Obama had decided to go there, arriving just when we were leaving. Also, Anthony Bourdain came around then too.)
Immediately upon landing in Yangon (Rangoon), our first guide met us and took us to Shwedagon Paya, the most famous pagoda in Myanmar. (Ok, you are correct that I keep switching between Myanmar and Burma. Myanmar is the official name, changed by the military government in 1989, but many people we met were not happy about that. So I’m going to go with whatever sounds best in each sentence.) The most sacred pagoda for the Burmese Buddhist people, Shwedagon Paya is also the grandest and most famous.
The main stupa of Shwedagon Paya
The grounds of the sacred Shwedagon Paya were crowded even in the early morning.
 Burmese people praying to the Buddhas at Shwedagon Paya |
 My favorite – a Burmese man meditating under a bell |
The exterior of Sule Pagoda
Next, we went to Sule Pagoda, located in downtown Yangon. It was suspposedly built before Shwedagon Paya, and is 2500 years old. To reach it, no matter your mode of transport, you have to risk your life and cross the most insane intersection in the eastern hemisphere. So scary!
A stall in one of the food markets of Yangon.
We visited a few other pagodas in Yangon, and then we finally ate! I didn’t have much trouble finding vegan options in this Buddhist country: The main way of eating is a varied spread of curries, and you can just request the vegetarian curries. There are also salads served, but don’t eat raw vegetables or fruit here that you can’t peel! Danger! (Take it from me and my few days wasted from what I thought was cholera. I knowwww.) Our first meal was soupy noodle bowls made in 2 minutes on the street. Street food is the best, right? It was so good.
 First meal in Burma, noodles on the streets of Yangon. |
 The noodle bowl stand on the street. I think the food came to like 40 cents in USD. And it was delicious. They were really nice, and while they didn’t speak much English, we figured out the vegetarian thing. |
Most of the streets are covered with vendors of all sorts, but mainly food. We tried as much as we could, and most of it was good (all of it was interesting!).
 Part of the food market  A stand selling sugarcane juice. It was good! A little warm though (haha, it was like 100 degrees out everyday, everything was warm)  This was gross |
 A man selling jackfruit; I wish I could have tried this!  Ohhh the bananas in this part of the world. The best About that red food to the left, oh my. It’s some kind of very popular candied fruit we tried at the behest of our guide, who ate a ton of it. I thought it was tomato, my boyfriend thought it was plum. Our guide didn’t know the English word for what it was. There probably is no English word for what this was. There will never be an answer, and you could not pay me to try it again. Well, maybe you could, I’ve had grosser things in my life. |
The Colonial-Era Strand Hotel, where most of the fancy people stay. If you really need a salad or something raw (like I did after several days), this place would probably be safe – probably. The lobby is also a gorgeous place to sit and cool off (AC!).
The busy, overcrowded streets of Yangon. This view is more representative of the city than the shiny gold pagodas. The cities, the everyday lives of the Burmese people, are gritty, and so much money (so much) goes to beautifying the pagoda sites, covering them with gold leaf while most people live in poverty.
We stayed at the decent Panorama Hotel in Yangon. It was pretty comfortable and clean, and it had wifi! I sent my first tweet ever from this hotel! This is the view from our window. You can see Shwedagon Paya in the background. Not bad! Such a lush expanse.
Our time in Yangon/Rangoon was eye-opening and really special. It was a great introduction to and preparation for the rest of the country. However, nothing could prepare us for our second stop of our journey – one of the most beautiful places in the entire world, Bagan, Burma.
This is Bagan, Burma. It is stunning, with vast fields covered in thousands of ancient red brick pagodas. The beauty is astounding. My favorite part of the trip by far.
The Bagan airport
Bagan is an unbelievably special place. If you are coming to this part of the world, you need to go to Bagan. Oh, about traveling within the country: You can get around by train and bus, but flying is the way to go. Trains and buses can sometimes take days, seriously, because of frequent delays, so air travel is the most common form. The flights are short from town to town (our longest was probably an hour), and they are usually on time. However…they are frightening. I was white-knuckling it during each of four or five flights we took. Luckily, we safely arrived each time. I don’t want to dissuade you from flying (you do not want to miss so much time with ground travel), but you should be prepared for these bucket-jumpers.
The main thing to do in Bagan is visit some of the beautiful red brick pagodas pictured above. (I won’t be sharing many pictures of the insides and the Buddhas – it’s possibly sacrilege.) We went in so many, by the end of the first day I was begging to never see another pagoda in my life. However, the next morning changed everything…
The main thing to do in Bagan is visit some of the beautiful red brick pagodas pictured above. (I won’t be sharing many pictures of the insides and the Buddhas – it’s possibly sacrilege.) We went in so many, by the end of the first day I was begging to never see another pagoda in my life. However, the next morning changed everything…
The view of Bagan from a hot-air balloon. Best experience ever. (Taken with an iPhone too; pretty impressive if I may say so!)
Taking off in the balloons at dawn
If you are going to Burma, you MUST go to Bagan, and you MUST take a hot-air balloon ride with Balloons Over Bagan, a company run by an Englishman named Lee. This was the most incredible experience, and you will not find any better view that this! This is the #1 reason I want to return to Burma. (It didn’t hurt that I was in the balloon with Lee! Such luck!) I’m going to share a crap load of pictures with you, because I can’t do justice to this experience with words.
 Beginning to fill the balloons |
 This operation was so fun to watch! |
You don’t really appreciate fog until you are in a hot-air balloon
Can’t take credit for this picture; I know for sure boyfriend took it. The others though are fair game 🙂
Hot damn, am I right?
The markets all throughout Burma were also incredible. In Bagan, we saw the most varied types of produce, nuts, and even tofu for sale. The main thing they sell to tourists are the longyis, the type of garment most people wear (like kilts, or sarongs).
 We also had some great food in Bagan. I enjoyed the family-style spread of vegetable curries available. Burmese curries that I had were very different from, say, Indian curries, in that there’s little of the familiar spice blend. The curries are more akin to just ‘dishes’ of different varieties, from root vegetable soups and noodles to stir-fried green vegetables, all served with white rice (and salad; don’t eat it!).
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 At left, women in the market sell thanaka, or cosmetic paste made from tree bark. Women all over Burma paint this paste on their faces, usually in circles. Use of thanaka is a cultural, cosmetic thing, but it also provides a bit of sun protection.
Above, bowls of betel nuts and betel leaves are for sale in all markets. Burmese people chew on the nuts wrapped in the leaves like it’s their job. You’ll see many people with the telltale red-stained teeth.  These are the traditional Burmese end-of-meal (can’t really call it dessert!) plates. You’re given a bowl of jaggery, or palm sugar candy, the sweetest motherf-ing tooth decayer on the planet. I know some people love it, but yeesh. On the right is the traditional combination of ginger, fried beans, and fermented tea leaves. Very interesting! |
Bagan is a convenient jumping off point for visiting Mount Popa, a beautiful volcano (inactive, I hope) with a monastery atop it. It’s a few hours drive from Bagan, and then a really long climb to the top. Bear it mind that the climb is done barefoot, as you cannot enter any pagoda or sacred space in shoes. The walk was covered with monkey poop thanks to the guys at left and their friends. It was worth the trouble though! Cutes! But don’t touch them! Diseases!
On the walk up, there are also people (mostly children) selling all kinds of things, from longyis and food to the same old tourist souvenirs being sold outside every pagoda. (It takes something away from the experience, to encounter the throngs of impoverished children everywhere you go and not be able to really help them.)
On the walk up, there are also people (mostly children) selling all kinds of things, from longyis and food to the same old tourist souvenirs being sold outside every pagoda. (It takes something away from the experience, to encounter the throngs of impoverished children everywhere you go and not be able to really help them.)
Mount Popa
One of the coolest things about Mount Popa? At the top, they have little plaques commemorating all of the donors to the pagoda. Imagine my delight when I saw one for Burma Super Star, the great Burmese restaurant in San Francisco! So fun!
All in all, Bagan was just an incredible experience. We stayed in a bungaloo at the Kumudara Hotel, which as far as I can remember was the best we stayed in in all of Burma. I definitely recommend it – it had a pool! And, check out the view beyond the pool below. It’s amazing. Stay tuned for posts on the rest of my journey through Burma!
From the hotel pool, you can see (and freely go towards) some of the red brick pagodas in the fields. Amazing!
New Orleans Travel Guide: Who Dat?
NEW ORLEANS, LOUISIANA
This is not Disney World! I’ve never been there.
WHO DAT!
My boyfriend I mean my fiance I mean my husband! and I finally made it to New Orleans! As some of you know, we were supposed to go to the Big Easy Apple Patch in January, but that ridiculously crazy ice storm back in January 2014 that destroyed Atlanta and Mississippi also closed all roads leading into NOLA. Here’s a really scary picture we took as we “drove” (slowly glided) through the streets of ice in Brookhaven, Mississippi as we tried to find shelter. Petrifying.
My boyfriend I mean my fiance I mean my husband! and I finally made it to New Orleans! As some of you know, we were supposed to go to the Big Easy Apple Patch in January, but that ridiculously crazy ice storm back in January 2014 that destroyed Atlanta and Mississippi also closed all roads leading into NOLA. Here’s a really scary picture we took as we “drove” (slowly glided) through the streets of ice in Brookhaven, Mississippi as we tried to find shelter. Petrifying.
Seriously, I hope this experience has taught the south about salt trucks.
So that trip didn’t happen, but then we decided to get married so we could go to New Orleans for a mini honeymoon/’wee agavemoon’! Yay!!! I got scared that maybe the universe didn’t want us to ever get there, especially after we had a flight delay, but we got there and we loved it SO HAH UNIVERSE.
Our mini honeymoon in New Orleans started off kind of hilariously (mostly awfully) as we laughed at this sign in the cab (at right). Like…did you have to specify that it’s a crime to kill a cab driver? Do the type of people who normally go to New Orleans not realize that cab drivers are people too, and that killing anyone is wrong? I don’t know why but we found this hilarious. Also, we loved the “may be first degree murder”, not “is first degree murder”, because of course, what if the cab driver attacks and you retaliate in self-defense? Or like if he is driving while sleeping with your wife so it’s heat-of-passion manslaughter? Likely story.
Anyway! We had scoured TripAdvisor for the past few months to make sure that our hotel choice, the Bourbon Orleans right in the heart of the French Quarter, was a good one. It seemed like a good fit: perfect location, had a pool (that we didn’t use), room looked swanky. And, the most important, it had water and unsweetened tea dispensers in the lobby all day and night!
Anyway! We had scoured TripAdvisor for the past few months to make sure that our hotel choice, the Bourbon Orleans right in the heart of the French Quarter, was a good one. It seemed like a good fit: perfect location, had a pool (that we didn’t use), room looked swanky. And, the most important, it had water and unsweetened tea dispensers in the lobby all day and night!
Heaven! This is my heaven!
So we got there hours after check-in time, but our room wasn’t ready. The not-so-nice lady didn’t even apologize or give a reason, just said it wasn’t ready. So we waited, but after about 35 minutes, I was steaming. I went up to the desk, talked to a man and said UMMM WHADDAFOCK? (effectively) He apologized and then looked down at his computer while I was standing there and I was thinking like…um…do I leave now? But then he looked up and said he found us a different room that was ready, that we could have for no extra charge “if we wanted” – a TWO-FLOOR suite with an enormous corner balcony overlooking the famous St. Louis cathedral. I mean, hot damn. Yes please.
The first floor! 
The second floor! 
Our enorme’ balcony |
How excited am I 
I don’t normally like sharing bathroom photos, but this shower had a half door just like they do in London! So ridic! Our wraparound balcony could have hosted a party for the entire town! We didn’t spend much time out there, unfortunately, because hot air rises. August in New Orleans is hella hot! The locals we talked to were like, yeah we take 4 showers a day. Ahh!
After just a few hours in the city, we realized the ubiquity of ‘Who Dat’. I mean, I knew maybe that it was a thing they said about the New Orleans Saints, but apparently it’s more than that. People just say Who Dat about everything. Like this sign: |
whaaaaaa?
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Also, this has no context but it was my favorite thing! It’s a tree covered in bead necklaces and it just makes me happy! |
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One night, after we ate two dinners (which you can read about tomorrow in the New Orleans food guide!), we walked through the old towne (with an ‘e’ obviously) and wandered into one of the many hot sauce & praline shoppes (with a ‘pe’ obviously). This store had hundreds of hot sauce bottles set up for testing, along with baskets of chips. I casually tried a couple, not really looking at the bottles or reading signs, mostly because I love tortilla chips (I hate potato chips but corn chips? Gimme I got it). Ya know, just casual, eating some chips…and then I started feeling like my body was imploding. I looked down to see if I was still in one piece or if somehow my abdomen had been disappeared, and then I looked up and around with eyes wide with fear. Whatttttt waaaaaaassssssssss happeningggggggggg tooooo meeeeeeeeeeee! This man about my age came up to me and asked, “Hey…um…which one did you have?” I pointed to the green bottle in the back and only then did I realize that it had WAIVER FORMS in front of it.
It was the NAGA JOLOKIA, aka the Ghost Pepper, aka the Bhutan poison chili aka the hottest pepper not only in the store but ON EARTH! And I just ate it because I like chips! I mean. Wow. Husband was like WHAT THE HELL OMG HAHAHAHA. And then it started pouring rain and even though I was wearing a white dress I dawdled outside with my mouth open. Before that point in my life, I had never cried without producing tears or moving my face, but somehow, that night, I did.
We strolled a bit so I could regain consciousness, but strolling around aimlessly is the best thing to do in a new city anyway! You get a feel for it – and you learn how to get to your hotel. Once I recovered, we went to CVS for some supplies and saw this hilarious lineup of goods:
The fridge only had wine |
Chocolate wine! Barfolomew! |
Tell me again why I didn’t get these? |
AMERICA.
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The mighty Mississippi!
One early ass morning, we took a National Park Service walking tour that mostly shared information about NOLA’s birth and early development. I love taking walking tours to show you a different part of the city that you may not have discovered yet, and of course to learn! (Of course I don’t really remember what I learned, except that they lied a bunch to get people to move there.) I highly suggest taking this free walking tour, but get there early as they do cap the group at around 10 people (so fance). We had trouble finding the right meeting spot – there are six sites of the Jean Lafitte National Historical Park (everything in this region is called Lafitte because he was a pirate and New Orleans loves Johnny Depp). The right spot to meet is 419 Decatur St.
After that, we checked out the inside of the St. Louis Cathedral instead of just looking at it from our sick balcony. It was a lovely church but the view from the outside, with its fantastic green space in front, is better. I mean once you’ve seen the Vatican you are kind of ruined for regular churches.
Oh look this is a church a what a church
The plaque says “Allison ‘Big Chief Tootie’ Montana”. I liked that the male chief’s name was Allison and he probably didn’t get any flack from idiots. Yay unisex names! |
We also walked through Louis Armstrong Park in the Treme (not just a tv show), which apparently you aren’t supposed to visit at night, or alone. This park is the home of Congo Square, the place where slaves would congregate on Sundays, their day off, and play music and dance.
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MUSIC! (and the alcohol that apparently goes with it)
One night, way past my bedtime, we made our way to the well-known and awesome bar d.b.a. to see the well-known and AWESOME Glen David Andrews band. Oh man was this guy an entertainer extraordinaire! First of all, the bar itself was a superb venue (at least compared to where we were the following night). It seemed clean for a bar, it was roomy, and it had quite a sophisticated bar menu. Second, Glen was such a fun, crazy guy, and he works his ass off to entertain you. We are still laughing because the band performed the most hilarious songs – one about how they would ‘make that mo***f****’ shake (that mofo in question? The headboard), a lotttt about his ex-wife, who is apparently the worrrrrst, and best of all, my favorite thing to come out of NOLA, my favorite new song of the summer – one that went “I will I will I will I will I will MELT YO ASS LIKE BUTTER!” oh my god we were dying, and singing that nonstop for the following…eternity.
The saxophone player was the most impressive I’ve ever seen, not that I’ve ever really paid attention to the instrument before, no matter how hard Duke Silver tries to sway me. Every bit he played felt like a spotlight solo. Just a fantastic performance that made me forget how late I was up. This was the musical highlight of my week, and the cover was only $5! If you are ever in NOLA, I am pretty sure that Glen and his band play at d.b.a. every Monday.
The second night (we saw music every day!) we went closer to the West Bank (not that one) for the Maple Leaf Bar, a very Tulane kids bar, for a concert by Grammy-winning brass band Rebirth. They play big, loud, jazzy…brass band music, which is like paying to see a live headache. They are very talented and good but it is not my cup of tea. However, I may have been biased because the crowd was from hell. I hate college kids. Oh my god. I hated college kids when I was one. This was like a room full of every awful stereotype, so much drinking and pushing and shoving and being dumb. Ugh! I wish I had a mirror for them that showed their future selves looking reproachfully at them, in order to make them take stock of their shitty behavior. The best part about this show, however, was that famous NOLA artist Frenchy, with a canvas set up right behind where I was standing, was documenting the scene in a crazy cool painting that he will probably sell for many thousands of dollars while an angel sings “Beauty School Dropout” to him.
“Do you see how cool this is!”
Another night, we took the ferry (yay ferry!) across the Mississippi River to Algiers Point to see the Iguanas play, plus a special guest I’m sorry I can’t remember. They were decent entertainment, but the real draw was the location itself. Algiers Point is a big open spot of land that every Wednesday hosts pretty much the entire local community, with lots of food trucks and drinks tables set up. It really seemed like every local was there, with entire families and babies and so many dogs! There was such a good communal vibe and a friendly relaxed atmosphere, with everyone sitting on chairs or blankets they brought.
Our last night we went to the very famous Lafitte’s, where only candles are used for light in the entire place (no electrical lights, hence no pictures came out!). This old-fashioned décor creates a dreamy relaxed vibe (or maybe the darkness just made me tired). A pianist played right near our table, and she was pretty great to listen to, if not for her vocal health (you can still smoke in bars here, I think she has inhaled too much secondary smoke) then at least for her song selection. It’s definitely a must, not only for this atmosphere, but because they are the famous makers of the Hurricane, New Orlean’s most famous alcoholic concoction. Lafitte’s isn’t the original creator of the Hurricane but it is supposedly the perfecter. I can’t say because it tasted like alcohol. It’s a potent mix of rum and syrup, grenadine, or fruit juice. Some kind of highly concentrated sugar. We shared one and I stomached maybe 4 sips. My favorite thing at Lafitte’s though was our friend’s PURPLE DRANK. Oh my god Purple Drank is the most hilarious thing ever. It is a frozen…purple drink… that tastes EXACTLY like Dimetapp. Did you take Dimetapp when you were sick as a kid? It’s like grape flavored but in the artificial way that is really more purple than grape? Well, Purple Drank is like a Dimetapp slushee. It’s HILARIOUS. I’m not exaggerating when I say it was exactly like the cough medicine. Oh my goodness it’s so funny. If I didn’t know better, I would say that each drank is a bottle of Dimetapp blended with ice. I mean it could be, I don’t know better.
BAYOU AND PLANTATION TOURS
Sonofagun, we’ll have big fun on the bayou
On our last full day in NOLA, we stole a car and drove about an hour out of town to take a boat tour on the bayou. We went with Jean Lafitte’s Swamp Tours. (We originally had booked a time with Honey Island Tours, but we weren’t going to make it so we called to cancel our booking – three hours before the time – yet they still charged our credit card for it. Not cool bitches.) It was fun to see all the alligators – so many! – but the tour guide was not my fave. (He talked a lot about hunting and other not nice things.) But, a bayou tour is still a definite if you have the time. It took about 2 hours. It’s cool to see all the wildlife in the area. And, funnily enough, on our tour we passed a good amount of set pieces from “NCIS: New Orleans”, which we also saw filming outside our hotel one day! We didn’t see any famous people, but we did see one of their like male-top-half mannequin bodies floating in the bayou. Now that was kind of freaky at first, to say the least.
It’s a turtle! |
There’s a gator! 
Lots of gators! |
After the boat tour, we drove another hour and change to Laura Plantation. Originally, I felt weird to be touring a site of so much torture and suffering, but we chose Laura because reviews said they devote at least half the time to talking honestly about slavery. So, like all terrible historic sites, it was a great learning experience and it felt important to see. Our tour guide was really likeable and knowledgeable, and she struck the proper tone, sharing serious information but having everyone enjoy their visit. We learned about the owning family, and how some of them seemed like good people but then some were truly truly evil. We walked around slave quarters and were told that, despite all the wars and the fighting, the plantation was still operating almost exactly as it was in the 1800s – until 1977. How is that even possible? That is so disturbing and soul-crushing. What the hell. We also learned that despite the result of the Civil War and subsequent legislation, nothing really changed on any plantation. Oh man. I don’t even have words. How is this shit even possible? Ughh people STOP BEING RACIST. It’s shattering to realize that people who still perpetrate racist criminal activity are never really punished themselves. The tragedy and subsequent activity in Ferguson was happening while we were here, and it really brought to light how much work still has to be done. Those cops, probably all of them and all of their superiors, should be in jail for what they did and continue to do. But probably nothing will happen to them. It’s a terribly shitty world and we have to do what we can to make it better, as much as we can. So be nice to people, go vegan, &c.
ANYWAY, there were some bright spots on the tour, including the fact that the stories of Bre’r Rabbit came from this plantation, from the slaves who created the stories to entertain and teach the children. They also had these SUPER ridiculous books in the gift shop. I still can’t get over them:
WHO DAT! 
SERIAL KILLER FACE FFS. |
THE CHILDREN’S EDITION. 
WHY IS SHE DRESSED AS THE DEVIL? ON THE COVER???? |
Seriously, do you see how creepy this kid’s face is in the Kiss me I’m Cajun tee? THIS IS THE COVER OF A COOKBOOK FFS! And the devil costume! I can’t even.
Down the road from Laura is the plantation used to film “12 Years A Slave”! How crazy! It wasn’t open for visitation before the movie, but now it is. We drove by and took a picture.
Car window shot lol
New Orleans is a really fun place to visit. Bourbon Street is full of debauchery and drunken naked people even at 10am. But when you get away from those few blocks, the city has so much great culture, art, music, and of course food – which we will cover the rest of this week! – to offer. The last place we visited was the famous Saint Louis Cemetery, which is filled with interesting stories, from voodoo queens to Nicholas Cage. That’s right, the actor Nicholas Cage built himself a tomb a few years ago in this cemetery because he loves New Orleans and wants to be buried there. How creepy is that!!! I leave you with his tomb, which has a plaque covered in actual lipstick kisses.
Nicholas Cage’s tomb
