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The 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards Are Tonight!! Let’s Predict Stuff!!

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       Tonight is one of the greatest holidays of the year! Yes, that’s right, it’s time for the Golden Globes, the most meaningless but most hilariously fun awards show there is. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, queens of the modern era and of my heart, are the hosts again this year, after their stellar turn last year when they made the best joke ever about James Cameron. So yeah, with the two of them entertaining us again, the show is sure to be worth watching. But yes, these are the most meaningless awards out there. I think even the People’s Choice mean more. That’s because the Hollywood Foreign Press is famous for nominating and voting for famous people they want to come to their show and go onstage, regardless of desert. And we have the infamous ‘Musical or Comedy’ movie category, which means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Some of the ‘hilarious’ movies qualifying as comedies this year include the traumatic family drama ‘August: Osage County’ and the depressing-as-shit ‘Nebraska’, along with the tragically serious ‘Inside Llewyn Davis’. See, the movie studios decide what categories they will submit in, so if there’s an abundance of quality dramas that year, cunning/lying studio execs will decide their tearjerking poverty-stricken story is quite funny. Liars, the lot of them. Anyway, so that’s why this shit means shit, but it’s still going to be amazingly fun. Here are my predictions. 

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA

  • 12 Years a Slave
  • Gravity
  • Captain Phillips
  • Rush
  • Philomena

       Saw it twice. It’s epic and amazing and as tough to watch as it should be. Please win the Oscar too.

BEST ACTOR – DRAMA

  • Chiwetel Ejiofor – 12 Years a Slave
  • Idris Elba – Mandela
  • Tom Hanks – Captain Phillips
  • Matthew McConaughey – Dallas Buyers Club
  • Robert Redford – All Is Lost

       All of these men were great, and this could very well be the Oscar list as well. But Chiwetel gives the performance of a lifetime and deserves to win.

BEST ACTRESS – DRAMA

  • Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine
  • Sandra Bullock – Gravity
  • Judi Dench – Philomena
  • Emma Thompson – Saving Mr. Banks
  • Kate Winslet – Labor Day

       Another category that I hope is the Oscar list. All of these women give incredible performances, especially Emma Thompson, but Cate Blanchett’s stunning, haunting work will be hard to beat.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

  • Sally Hawkins – Blue Jasmine
  • Jennifer Lawrence – American Hustle
  • Lupita Nyong’o – 12 Years A Slave
  • Julia Roberts – August: Osage County 
  • June Squibb – Nebraska

     If Lawrence wins, I will be so angry. SO ANGRY. Nyong’o was amazing. Also, I wish Scarlett Johansson was nominated for ‘Her’. What a remarkable voice-only performance. 

BEST DIRECTOR

  • Alfonso Cuaron – Gravity
  • Paul Greengrass – Captain Phillips
  • Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave
  • Alexander Payne – Nebraska
  • David O. Russell – American Hustle

     Russell could win because of the aforementioned conning of the voter pool, but I am rooting for McQueen to triumph for his triumph. 

BEST ANIMATED FILM 

  • The Croods
  • Despicable Me 2
  • Frozen

     FROZEN BEST MOVIE EVERRRRR!

BEST PICTURE – FAKE COMEDY

  • American Hustle
  • Her
  • Inside Llewyn Davis
  • Nebraska
  • The Wolf Of Wall Street

      I am begrudgingly saying ‘American Hustle’ because I believe it will win, because for some reason people think it’s the best movie of the year. I don’t even think it’s the 4th best of these 5, but whatever. If I were voting, I would vote for ‘Her’, one of my favorites of this year. It’s incredibly creative and moving. But yeah, ‘American Hustle’ has conned enough voters into thinking it was a good movie that it will win. 

BEST ACTOR – COMEDY

  • Christian Bale – American Hustle
  • Bruce Dern – Nebraska
  • Leonardo DiCaprio – Wolf of Wall Street
  • Oscar Isaac – Inside Llewyn Davis
  • Joaquin Phoenix – Her

      If I were voting, I’d be voting for Joaquin for his beautifully touching performance. But the HFP loves Leo so much, and they love ‘Wolf’ for being so cool and vulgar (said like Miley Cyrus), so I think he’ll be winning tonight.

BEST ACTRESS – COMEDY

  • Amy Adams – American Hustle
  • Julie Delpy – Before Midnight
  • Greta Gerwig – Frances Ha
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Enough Said
  • Meryl Streep – August: Osage County

    Oh my god Greta is nominated!!!! ‘Frances Ha’ was one of my favorite movies not of the year but OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIIIIME, KANYE! I’m so happy she’s nominated. But she won’t win. Adams could, but I’m going with Meryl because she’s amazing as always and she famously lost last year to Lawrence (famous because of Lawrence’s “I beat Meryl” acceptance speech). 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

  • Barkhad Abdi – Captain Phillips
  • Daniel Bruhl – Rush
  • Bradley Cooper – American Hustle
  • Michael Fassbender – 12 Years a Slave
  • Jared Leto – Dallas Buyers Club

     I’m hoping so much for Leto. He was so heartbreaking and beautiful in ‘DBC’ and really deserves it, though Fassbender and Abdi would be solid winners too. 

BEST TELEVISION DRAMA

  • Breaking Bad
  • Downton Abbey
  • The Good Wife
  • House of Cards
  • Masters of Sex

    This better not even be a question. I like when shows are honored for their final season. As long as they are fantastic shows and stellar final seasons, which is true here. 

BEST ACTRESS TV DRAMA

  • Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife
  • Tatiana Maslany – Orphan Black
  • Taylor Schilling – Orange is the New Black
  • Kerry Washington – Scandal
  • Robin Wright – House of Cards

     I would be so happy if Kerry or Tatiana won, but I think ‘Scandal’ has more traction with voters. Probably because IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER. 

BEST ACTOR TV DRAMA

  • Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
  • Liev Schreiber – Ray Donovan
  • Michael Sheen – Masters of Sex
  • Kevin Spacey – House of Cards
  • James Spader – The Blacklist

     Not even a questions. Final season, genre-changing show, done. Although I’d be happy for Liev because I think we are related. 

BEST TELEVISION COMEDY

  • The Big Bang Theory
  • Brooklyn Nine-Nine
  • Girls
  • Modern Family
  • Parks & Recreation

    If Big Bang or Modern Family wins AGAIN, I will cry, because Parks & Rec is the greatest comedy on tv and has been for a while now. It better win, and with Amy hosting, it has a better chance now.

BEST ACTRESS TV COMEDY

  • Zooey Deschanel – New Girl
  • Lena Dunham – Girls
  • Edie Falco – Nurse Jackie
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus – Veep
  • Amy Poehler – Parks & Rec

     I’m going with Amy because hosts get a little push in voting, but I’d be just as pleased if the Veep one. So amazing, both of them. 

BEST ACTOR TV COMEDY

  • Jason Bateman – Arrested Development
  • Don Cheadle – House of Lies
  • Michael J. Fox – The Michael J. Fox show
  • Jim Parsons – The Big Bang Theory
  • Andy Samberg – Brooklyn Nine-Nine

     I mean really, Samberg? Nice for him but so silly, these nominations, all of them almost. I don’t even watch ‘House of Lies’ but I am feeling this one. Just as long as it’s not Parsons again right? 

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     What do you think? What are you rooting for? If this happened already, what was your favorite part? Do you get as angry as I get about the ridiculous things they call ‘comedies’? Did you think ‘American Hustle’ was really the best movie of the year? Did you throw up during ‘Gravity’ like people did in the Gravitron? Enjoy!!!!

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