January 19, 2023
Gilmore Girls "A Year in the Life": "Fall" Like All the Tears Down My Faceby Randi / December 13, 2016
As usual, the Golden Globes featured some great moments, some surprises, and a lot of really stupid moments. But one of the most noticeable differences this time around was how unfunny the telecast was compared to the past few years. For an awards show that usually has its live and TV audiences in stitches, the laughter was remarkably limited. Sometimes I’ll think of jokes from 2013 and 2014, when Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosted, and crack up uncontrollably. Like when they commented on the “Zero Dark Thirty” controversy and chose to believe Kathryn Bigelow because “when it comes to torture, I’m gonna believe the woman who was married to James Cameron.” They were amazing. But this year? I of course dole out a bit of the blame to the always-insane Hollywood Foreign Press for being equal parts bizarre and deluded, but most of the unfunny came from Jimmy Fallon, a person I used to adore and now pretty much despise. He likes to say that he prefers his comedy with rounded edges and doesn’t like to engage in politics, but that’s a rich sentiment coming from his white straight male superwealthy mouth.
Fallon’s opening parody of “La La Land”, though expected, starting off strong but quickly spiraled into lackluster b.s. I loved the red carpet bits with various celebrities, but when the “Stranger Things” kids started rapping again, it became apparent that this was half-assed. (Although those kids did lead into the best part of the opening: the synchronized diving Barbs. Is she really still alive?) Instead of Millie rapping, they should have had Gaten sing. That would have been something special. And then naturally Fallon’s lap dog/security blanket Justin Timberlake came on for a dance, the entire joke-premise of which seemed to be ‘let’s laugh at two men dancing’.
Maybe it was an attempt to make up for how shitty he was in the fall, or maybe he couldn’t avoid it because it’s all anyone is talking about (rightly so), but Fallon’s monologue, once he got past the teleprompter issues (which shouldn’t really be a thing for a professional comedian?), was heavy on light Trump jokes. Like referencing nominee “Game of Thrones” and asking what it would be like if King Joffrey had lived – “Well in 12 days we’re gonna find out!” Haha that is HILARIOUS, Jimmy Fallon, when you are the one who made him seem normal and endearing to many voters. His non-Trump stuff was slightly funnier, although I don’t know how I feel about his Chris Rock impression. It’s a good impression, as most of his impressions are, and the content was strong – about how all the “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson” winners were going to thank Ryan Murphy and their partners but not one of them would thank the one person who had the most to do with getting them to that stage – O.J. Simpon. That was hilarious, especially when the camera cut to Sterling K. Brown and Cuba Gooding Jr. laughing really hard. But to do a Chris Rock impression in the first place, when talking about O.J., I don’t know it just seemed a little wrong.
Thankfully, he didn’t speak for too long before the awards started. But the slightly off-kilter vibe this entire telecast had was evident from the start, as Emma Stone got up to present the first award with Ryan Gosling. When she got to the microphone, she f-ing sighed. Maybe she was just tired of how much success she is currently enjoying, but it very much came across as if she hated being there and wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. That’s something I would expect from a Billy Bob Thornton (who later got his chance to be suuuper weird with his acceptance speech) but not from Hollywood’s golden girl. Maybe it was a sigh of relief that Fallon’s main part was over with but I doubt it.
The bullshit continued, most egregiously, with the announcement of that first award, for Supporting Actor in a Movie. I literally screamed when Aaron Taylor-Johnson beat Mahershala Ali from “Moonlight”. I have nothing against the actor himself, but are you f-ing kidding me that ANYTHING from that POS “Nocturnal Animals” won an award of any kind that wasn’t a Razzie or more appropriately a “Do Not Resuscitate” from the League of Women Voters, #ShoutYourAbortion, and/or Equality Now? I will get more into this in my pre-Oscars movie review roundup (and how), but “Nocturnal Animals” was one of the most offensive and misogynist (and offensively misogynist) films I’ve ever seen, more so because it and its creator Tom Ford (what a winner he is) don’t even realize how indulgently violent and aggressively chauvinistic they are. It’s subtle enough in its rampant misogyny that I’m sure many viewers didn’t notice, but it struck me so clearly and consistently throughout the film that this was a piece for dangerously backwards thinkers who legitimately hate women. It reminded me of the kind of showy violent against women that goes unchecked in shows like SVU, but much more sinister in its lack of awareness. Point is, I cannot believe that this movie is getting accolades instead of disdain, especially over the one movie that deserves more than it has been getting, “Moonlight”. I mean, but I can believe it, because this is a world that allowed for Trump, so.
The next award went to Billy Bob, so for a while the entire broadcast was entirely about celebrating hickish white male psychopaths who do nothing to improve society and everything to push it backwards (whether their character or real life). Cool HFPA. Billy Bob did not disappoint with his peculiar speech about how he was very happy to have beaten fellow nominee Bob Odenkirk, because the two Bobs have had a rivalry dating back to the 1940s, when they were in a movie with Van Johnson? Cut to Bob Odenkirk looking as super confused as the rest of us about why we allow Billy Bob to say things.
Finally, things picked up when Tracee Ellis Ross won for Actress in a Comedy Series. I’ve only seen a few episodes of “Black-ish” but she’s wonderful in it. I especially enjoyed when she thanked her mom and dad because her mom is Dianaaaaaa.
I honestly didn’t even realize that season 3 of “Transparent” already came and went. Damnn I’m so behind on my pop culture. Really behind, because the TV comedy winner – “Atlanta” – I haven’t even started yet. Which is nuts, because I adore Donald Glover so much! Troy Barnes man! He’s so flipping charming – “I really wanna thank…like. Atlanta – like all the black folks!” had everyone cracking up. What an impressive person, to have created, written, and starred in this critically acclaimed show while in his other career, as a rapper-singer, he’s produced another critically acclaimed album.
Interim fashion report: All the men have lumberjack beards, Mandy in “Homeland”-style. All the women seem to be wearing very sparse bedazzled dresses. And Nicole Kidman is wearing swimmies! Carrie Underwood’s pink ruffly gown is both super ugly and super pretty too. These open-shoulder clothes need to end their time in the sun already; I don’t get the appeal. And several women are wearing jackets (like Meryl’s) with bigger bedazzled jewels all over them. Weird.
Speaking of, one such bedazzled-jacket wearer, Nina Jacobson, also gave us a super weird speech. The producer of “The People Vs. O.J.” read written notes – always a bad idea, but here more ridiculous than usual, because she described the actual trial as a “tragedy turned into entertainment”, which maybe is true but just came across as really crazily insensitive and vulgur. Like her jacket.
This show was quickly spiraling to a level no one wanted to see, so luckily we were distracted by both great and incredibly random presenters. On the former side, we had Annette Bening come out and give off her trademark vibe of “Oh yes, I am here, and I am better than you”, but in like a great way. On the latter side, we got the random duo of Naomi Campbell (does she act or just throw phones) and that handsome advanced robot who goes by Matt Bomer.
Finally, we were treated to some funny when Hugh Laurie won his third Globe, for “The Night Manager”, and said how he was honored to win at the very last Golden Globes. “I don’t mean to be gloomy but it has the words ‘Hollywood’, ‘foreign’, and ‘press’ in the title. For some republicans, even the word ‘association’ is too much.” So funny, and extra good coming from such a glorious curmudgeon. He ended by accepting the award on behalf of psychopathic billionaires everywhere. Best acceptance speech by far.
Things picked up a little after that, with another fantastic acceptance coming from the truly joyous and delightful winners for Best Song, Pasek and Paul. It’s no secret I’m a huge fan of their musical work but it’s absolutely mind-boggling that they are going to win an Oscar soon, and before they even win a Tony (which they really better win in June or I’ll flip). They were so sincere in their happiness that it was a relief amid the rest of the room’s sense of boredom. It’s nice to see newcomers remind the others how lucky they all are to be there.
Okay, so the greatest part of the entire evening came during a commercial break. Did you see the CIGNA commercial? It featured all the famous TV doctors – Lisa Edelstein from “House”, Donald Faison from “Scrubs”, Patrick Dempsey from “Grey’s Anatomy”, and Alan Alda from “MASH” dressed as doctors telling people to get health insurance or something I stopped listening because I was yelling and reveling about how this was the best commercial in history. Why has no medical organization thought of this in the past? LOVES IT.
I guess that commercial was the indicator that things were about to get better, because the next few presenters were my favorites. We got Dev Patel and little Sunny Pawar from “Lion”, a fantastic movie and both of them are incredible in it. But really it’s all about how flinging flanging adorable Sunny Pawar is. Omg he is the cutest little face I cannot take it. Really, you need to see “Lion” if only for how great and cute he is. And heartbreaking. And so cute.
The next pair, Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn, gave a welcome change of pace. Amy gets to the mic and said, “You guys, it’s Goldie Hawn.” And Goldie Hawn says, “I know.” The camera cut to Kurt Russell’s hilarious face and it was all wonderful. And then this happened:
Husband: “Is Goldie Hawn drunk?”
Goldie: “The nominees for Motion Picture Comedy or Mystical…”
Amy: “Musical.”
Goldie: “Musical.”
Husband: “So, yes.”
The very first actually moving speech came courtesy of Ryan Gosling, who thanked his partner Eva Mendes and dedicated the award to the memory of her brother, who battled cancer during the filming. I had no idea about any of this tragedy and it was kind of shockingly sad. Eva wasn’t there which is good because it would have been way too sad to see her cry.
Husband: “Is Goldie Hawn drunk?”
Goldie: “The nominees for Motion Picture Comedy or Mystical…”
Amy: “Musical.”
Goldie: “Musical.”
Husband: “So, yes.”
The very first actually moving speech came courtesy of Ryan Gosling, who thanked his partner Eva Mendes and dedicated the award to the memory of her brother, who battled cancer during the filming. I had no idea about any of this tragedy and it was kind of shockingly sad. Eva wasn’t there which is good because it would have been way too sad to see her cry.
Happily, the next presenters lightened the mood and kind of saved the show. Kristin Wiig and Steve Carell – who should host next year, please – presented I don’t even know what award because it didn’t matter. All that mattered was their continued dark humor as they riffed on each other for longer than it seemed they were allowed. Kristin, with a new short haircut, joked about how they get their hair cut together. “I’ll have that” she said and Steve shot back, “and I’ll have that – I’ll have what she’s having, like the orgasm.” Their ridiculousness continued as they remembered their first movies they saw in theatres but turned it into dark and weird stories about their family history, like how Steve’s first movie, whatever it was, “was the last time I saw my Grandpa…he disappeared.” They are amazing.
I’m sure it got some flack, but I think the decision to cut the In Memoriam (it would have been longer than the telecast, given how insane 2016 was) in favor of just a short about Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, was a good idea. It was lovely but I wish it were a little longer. Hell they should have just shown “Singin in the Rain” in its entirety. Or all of Debbie’s flawless scenes from “Will & Grace”. And then all of Carrie’s perfect, hysterical late night appearances that uniformly destroyed the hosts. God this is one of the saddest, most tragic things.
Next, Casey Affleck presented our next nominated drama, “Manchester by the Sea”. He said it was a surprisingly funny and moving family drama, to which I responded out loud, “IS IT?” The clip showed 100% of all the dialogue from that overrated movie.
In the contest for Worst Acceptance speech, we already had lots of entrees, but Tom Hiddleston’s may be the winner for incongruous it is for a professional actor – who just won an acting award, no less – to be unable to speak well publicly. His long weird rambling story – about how doctors and nurses in the South Sudan binge watched his show – had all the makings of an actually good story about people doing seriously important work. Yet his inability to tell a story made it all really uncomfortable. It did have two things going for it though: one, it proved the importance of writers, and two, Christian Slater’s face.
I’m sure it got some flack, but I think the decision to cut the In Memoriam (it would have been longer than the telecast, given how insane 2016 was) in favor of just a short about Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, was a good idea. It was lovely but I wish it were a little longer. Hell they should have just shown “Singin in the Rain” in its entirety. Or all of Debbie’s flawless scenes from “Will & Grace”. And then all of Carrie’s perfect, hysterical late night appearances that uniformly destroyed the hosts. God this is one of the saddest, most tragic things.
Next, Casey Affleck presented our next nominated drama, “Manchester by the Sea”. He said it was a surprisingly funny and moving family drama, to which I responded out loud, “IS IT?” The clip showed 100% of all the dialogue from that overrated movie.
In the contest for Worst Acceptance speech, we already had lots of entrees, but Tom Hiddleston’s may be the winner for incongruous it is for a professional actor – who just won an acting award, no less – to be unable to speak well publicly. His long weird rambling story – about how doctors and nurses in the South Sudan binge watched his show – had all the makings of an actually good story about people doing seriously important work. Yet his inability to tell a story made it all really uncomfortable. It did have two things going for it though: one, it proved the importance of writers, and two, Christian Slater’s face.
A little more than halfway through, we got to the part that people usually skip over but this year was the most important part – the lifetime achievement award, this year to Meryl Streep. Meryl’s speech was the most talked about part of the Globes, for dern good reason. But before we get there, let’s talk about how weird Viola Davis’s introduction was. Now, I adore Viola Davis. If you don’t adore her, you’re weird. She will be a Meryl Streep one day, if there is justice, which there isn’t. Even just her nose drippings are better actors than 99% of those out there. I thought it was interesting that Viola introduced Meryl since Meryl is the one that beat her for the Oscar that everyone, including the cover of Entertainment Weekely, assumed was in Viola’s bag. Viola don’t care. Viola loves Meryl and Meryl loves Viola because fierce ladies stick together. However, it was the weirdest speech. Viola was imitating Meryl when Meryl sassed her on not making fully homemade apple pie or on making collard greens wrong, but it wasn’t imitating in a funny way, just a really dry and straightforward way, so it was suuupes uncomfortable for everyone, I think. If it didn’t finally FINALLY devolve into smiles, I would have thought Viola was Meryl’s enemy and was given the stage to destroy her or something. Very awkward and kind of painful. She ended by quoting Avatar and repeating, “I see you. I see you.” So, weird all around.
Luckily, Meryl’s speech was red underlined 100 emoji, and the endless news coverage it engendered is deserved. It was amazing. She started by listing off actors in attendance and not in attendance and stating where they were born, and it quickly was apparent that these esteemed actors were from all corners of the country and all reaches of the world, proving that Hollywood is, in contrast to what idiots like to pretend, full of different kinds of people with all different backgrounds. And if you got rid of all the outsiders in Hollywood, there would be no one left, and nothing left to watch except football and MMA, which isn’t art. I loved it. She went on to talk about how Trump’s mocking of the disabled reporter has stuck with her (all of us) and broke her heart, and how it gave permission for others to do the same thing. Disrespect incites disrespect, she said. “When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose,” she said in her most quoted quote. “We need a principled press to hold power to account.” I love that she used this platform to say these important things. It doesn’t matter that she was preaching to the choir for the most part because the alternative is staying quiet, which isn’t an option. Also, look at how angry it made Trump, proving once again but to a really wide audience that he is more of an immature crybaby than a colicky infant. I love that Meryl spoke about him but never once said his actual name, because you know that that is what really got to him. Genius, she is a genius. The one thing I wish she did differently was say the name of that reporter, Serge Kovaleski, instead of continuing – as everyone is – to refer to him as just ‘disabled reporter’. I did have to look up his name though. It just would have hurt Trump so much more if the great Meryl Streep said Serge’s name and not his. As it is though, she was fantastic and we don’t deserve her. And she ended beautifully too: “As my dear departed friend Princess Leia said to me once, take your broken heart and make it into art.”
Luckily, Meryl’s speech was red underlined 100 emoji, and the endless news coverage it engendered is deserved. It was amazing. She started by listing off actors in attendance and not in attendance and stating where they were born, and it quickly was apparent that these esteemed actors were from all corners of the country and all reaches of the world, proving that Hollywood is, in contrast to what idiots like to pretend, full of different kinds of people with all different backgrounds. And if you got rid of all the outsiders in Hollywood, there would be no one left, and nothing left to watch except football and MMA, which isn’t art. I loved it. She went on to talk about how Trump’s mocking of the disabled reporter has stuck with her (all of us) and broke her heart, and how it gave permission for others to do the same thing. Disrespect incites disrespect, she said. “When the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose,” she said in her most quoted quote. “We need a principled press to hold power to account.” I love that she used this platform to say these important things. It doesn’t matter that she was preaching to the choir for the most part because the alternative is staying quiet, which isn’t an option. Also, look at how angry it made Trump, proving once again but to a really wide audience that he is more of an immature crybaby than a colicky infant. I love that Meryl spoke about him but never once said his actual name, because you know that that is what really got to him. Genius, she is a genius. The one thing I wish she did differently was say the name of that reporter, Serge Kovaleski, instead of continuing – as everyone is – to refer to him as just ‘disabled reporter’. I did have to look up his name though. It just would have hurt Trump so much more if the great Meryl Streep said Serge’s name and not his. As it is though, she was fantastic and we don’t deserve her. And she ended beautifully too: “As my dear departed friend Princess Leia said to me once, take your broken heart and make it into art.”
Meryl’s speech was indeed the high point of the show, which was made very clear by the still-super awkward presenting teams to come. The most awkward was probably the team of Sienna Miller, Ben Affleck, and Zoe Saldana. I missed how they are related, but the real story was how awful they seemed to be at working together. Zoe apparently forgot how to read and left poor Barry Jenkins from “Moonlight” hanging as she paused for an obscene about of time before saying ‘oh, Barry Jenkins! Sorry!’ and totally ruining his big moment. And when Zoe interrupted Ben’s attempt to read some lines, it wasn’t clear who messed up but it was clear that Ben was noooot happy. All of it was so weird.
Hot takes:
I didn’t realize that Winona Ryder got nominated for being a genuine crazy person in “Stranger Things” so hooray for that and hooray for communicating through Christmas lights.
Claire Foy is the poshest Brit there because she’s the only one who thanked the queen. Gotta thank Lizzie!
Coolest double win since Kate Winslet: Donald Glover! Who would have guessed he would win two Golden Globes in one night? Donde esta la biblioteca! His speech showed how decent and down-to-earth he seems and I’m so happy for him. I hope he gets to meet Levar Burton now and not screamcry.
I loved Matt Damon when he presented Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, and said he “has this privilege because I won this award in the male category last year, best actor in a musical or comedy…for The Martian, which is funnier than anything in The Martian.” The laughably inept HFPA’s decision to include “The Martian” in the comedy category last year will never stop being hilarious and ridiculous. One of the hallmarks of the Golden Globes is indeed the stupid decisions of the HFPA, as they maneuver around category descriptions and all good sense to make sure their favorite stars are nominated and awarded. It’s kind of a fun game, actually, as long as you don’t take it too seriously, which I do.
I find it very strange that Casey Affleck thanked Matt Damon but didn’t mention his brother Ben. Ben is so hurt I bet. I have no real problem with Casey’s mumbling and totally too chill demeanor, but if a woman spoke like him she would be vilified.
Case in point, I’m going to complain about Emma Stone right now, because she wins my award for Most Annoying Speech. She thanked Lionsgate for taking a chance on ‘newcomer’ Damien Chazelle, and while when production began on “La La Land”, he may have been a newcomer, it just seemed odd to say this after the success of “Whiplash” was three years ago. Like, after “Whiplash”, who in their right mind wouldn’t sign up to work with him on whatever he wanted? He wasn’t even 30 years old yet; everyone knew he was/is going to be huge. But okay, that’s not that offensive. Then she thanked a bunch of random first names that no one knows, which I always hate, but okay, whatever. But then, most annoying of all, she got emotional and said she shared this award with anyone who struggled or had doors slammed in their faces or actors who waited for a callback that never came &c. Like…I’m sorry I don’t buy this. I’d buy this from a Taraji P. Henson or Viola Davis who achieved big success somewhat later in life but not from one of the highest paid, most in demand people in Hollywood who got her break before she was twenty and got her big starring roles before most of her peers graduated college. I know she had a hard few years booking jobs when she moved to L.A. at 15 or 16 but like jfc give me a break, you were a teenager and started working consistently as just a slightly older teenager. Argh I wish they would have shown the faces of the actors in the audience who legitimately struggled for more than 5 years and for decades when there wasn’t a 1 in front of their age, faces which I’m sure read, “girl, please.” It pissed me off so much because it seems like the kind of thing you can’t find fault with – recognizing all those who struggle – but I find fault with it because she is notttt the person you look to when you think of struggling actors when she was a star at like 21 years old, FFS.
The best surprise win was Isabelle Huppert for “Elle” over Natalie Portman for “Jackie”. I’m not saying Natalie was my pick, because I only could get through about 30 minutes of “Jackie” (what an annoying and boring movie, although she was great). Just everything I’ve seen has been putting NatPo as the frontrunner so this was a big surprise. Yay for Isabelle! Although this worries me that perhaps this leaves a path open for Emma Stone to win the Oscar, which is just weird, though it would prove my above case about her not being the paradigm of struggling actor if she wins an Oscar in her 20’s, and I do like being right.
Conversations I would have loved to see during the commercial breaks:
I hope Stallone and Milo Ventimiglia were able to catch up at the party.
I would pay money to see Taraji go Cookie on Emma Stone and ask her, “So, when did you struggle.”
I would have liked to see all the men with bushy beards standing in a circle so they noticed how silly they looked.
I didn’t realize that Winona Ryder got nominated for being a genuine crazy person in “Stranger Things” so hooray for that and hooray for communicating through Christmas lights.
Claire Foy is the poshest Brit there because she’s the only one who thanked the queen. Gotta thank Lizzie!
Coolest double win since Kate Winslet: Donald Glover! Who would have guessed he would win two Golden Globes in one night? Donde esta la biblioteca! His speech showed how decent and down-to-earth he seems and I’m so happy for him. I hope he gets to meet Levar Burton now and not screamcry.
I loved Matt Damon when he presented Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, and said he “has this privilege because I won this award in the male category last year, best actor in a musical or comedy…for The Martian, which is funnier than anything in The Martian.” The laughably inept HFPA’s decision to include “The Martian” in the comedy category last year will never stop being hilarious and ridiculous. One of the hallmarks of the Golden Globes is indeed the stupid decisions of the HFPA, as they maneuver around category descriptions and all good sense to make sure their favorite stars are nominated and awarded. It’s kind of a fun game, actually, as long as you don’t take it too seriously, which I do.
I find it very strange that Casey Affleck thanked Matt Damon but didn’t mention his brother Ben. Ben is so hurt I bet. I have no real problem with Casey’s mumbling and totally too chill demeanor, but if a woman spoke like him she would be vilified.
Case in point, I’m going to complain about Emma Stone right now, because she wins my award for Most Annoying Speech. She thanked Lionsgate for taking a chance on ‘newcomer’ Damien Chazelle, and while when production began on “La La Land”, he may have been a newcomer, it just seemed odd to say this after the success of “Whiplash” was three years ago. Like, after “Whiplash”, who in their right mind wouldn’t sign up to work with him on whatever he wanted? He wasn’t even 30 years old yet; everyone knew he was/is going to be huge. But okay, that’s not that offensive. Then she thanked a bunch of random first names that no one knows, which I always hate, but okay, whatever. But then, most annoying of all, she got emotional and said she shared this award with anyone who struggled or had doors slammed in their faces or actors who waited for a callback that never came &c. Like…I’m sorry I don’t buy this. I’d buy this from a Taraji P. Henson or Viola Davis who achieved big success somewhat later in life but not from one of the highest paid, most in demand people in Hollywood who got her break before she was twenty and got her big starring roles before most of her peers graduated college. I know she had a hard few years booking jobs when she moved to L.A. at 15 or 16 but like jfc give me a break, you were a teenager and started working consistently as just a slightly older teenager. Argh I wish they would have shown the faces of the actors in the audience who legitimately struggled for more than 5 years and for decades when there wasn’t a 1 in front of their age, faces which I’m sure read, “girl, please.” It pissed me off so much because it seems like the kind of thing you can’t find fault with – recognizing all those who struggle – but I find fault with it because she is notttt the person you look to when you think of struggling actors when she was a star at like 21 years old, FFS.
The best surprise win was Isabelle Huppert for “Elle” over Natalie Portman for “Jackie”. I’m not saying Natalie was my pick, because I only could get through about 30 minutes of “Jackie” (what an annoying and boring movie, although she was great). Just everything I’ve seen has been putting NatPo as the frontrunner so this was a big surprise. Yay for Isabelle! Although this worries me that perhaps this leaves a path open for Emma Stone to win the Oscar, which is just weird, though it would prove my above case about her not being the paradigm of struggling actor if she wins an Oscar in her 20’s, and I do like being right.
Conversations I would have loved to see during the commercial breaks:
I hope Stallone and Milo Ventimiglia were able to catch up at the party.
I would pay money to see Taraji go Cookie on Emma Stone and ask her, “So, when did you struggle.”
I would have liked to see all the men with bushy beards standing in a circle so they noticed how silly they looked.
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“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” Season 2: Episodes 1 & 2!!
DOGGIE
We’re back dammit! It’s a miracle!
If you didn’t sing that to the catchy af theme song of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, that likely means that you don’t watch it, which definitely means that you are missing out ON LIFE. This show, from Tina Fey and a guy my brother knows, had one of the funniest first seasons for a sitcom, full stop (look I’m British now). Sure, Season 1 had its low points (the whole trial b.s. and the Native American stuff), but its high points were so high it all averaged out to be above average. So good at math. This goofy show makes viewers so happy. Lucky for the world, so in need of more happiness, season 2 is out today!
If you didn’t sing that to the catchy af theme song of “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt”, that likely means that you don’t watch it, which definitely means that you are missing out ON LIFE. This show, from Tina Fey and a guy my brother knows, had one of the funniest first seasons for a sitcom, full stop (look I’m British now). Sure, Season 1 had its low points (the whole trial b.s. and the Native American stuff), but its high points were so high it all averaged out to be above average. So good at math. This goofy show makes viewers so happy. Lucky for the world, so in need of more happiness, season 2 is out today!
If you really don’t watch it, go watch it on Netflix right now. If you don’t have Netflix, go buy it; you get a free trial anyway. If for some reason you can’t buy a Netflix membership or get the free trial and then cancel that shiz, I will give you my account info. That’s how good this show is and how much I think you deserve to watch it. Something I said in this paragraph may be a lie, and it’s up to you to find out what it is.
So, quick recap: Kimmy Schmidt is the true adorkable television heroine of our time, played to silly and ridiculous perfection by Ellie Kemper, the redhead from “The Office” and “Bridesmaids” whose last name for some reason I really really want to keep saying/actually do keep saying as “Kempner” for no apparent reason. Did I go to camp with a Kempner? Do you know? Can you see me? Kimmy is this totally naïve, sheltered gal from the Midwest whooooo was kept as an unwitting hostage by a crazy doomsday cult leader (Jon Hamm) in an underground bunker for the last 15 years. Finally freed, she has a lot to comprehend (for starters, that the world didn’t end) with the knowledge, awareness, and social skills of a tween. But it’s a comedy. She moves to NYC, the perfect place for her blind trust and total innocence, and finds an apartment owned by Carol Kane’s landlord Lilian, with the most incredible roommate maybe in television history, Tituss Burgess’s Titus Andromedon. (Real name 2 s’s (esses?), fake name 1. Actually, real name 4 s’s/esses.) And, she gets a job as a nanny for a rich beeyotchamaphone named Jacqueline Voorhees, a role I assume was written specifically for Jane Krakowski because she is red underlined 100 emoji. Titus, on the other hand, is the red 100 emoji surrounded by 10 flame balls on each side. His role was indeed written for him. I love how much he saaaaaaaaaaaaang in season 1! Let’s see what happens next!
So, quick recap: Kimmy Schmidt is the true adorkable television heroine of our time, played to silly and ridiculous perfection by Ellie Kemper, the redhead from “The Office” and “Bridesmaids” whose last name for some reason I really really want to keep saying/actually do keep saying as “Kempner” for no apparent reason. Did I go to camp with a Kempner? Do you know? Can you see me? Kimmy is this totally naïve, sheltered gal from the Midwest whooooo was kept as an unwitting hostage by a crazy doomsday cult leader (Jon Hamm) in an underground bunker for the last 15 years. Finally freed, she has a lot to comprehend (for starters, that the world didn’t end) with the knowledge, awareness, and social skills of a tween. But it’s a comedy. She moves to NYC, the perfect place for her blind trust and total innocence, and finds an apartment owned by Carol Kane’s landlord Lilian, with the most incredible roommate maybe in television history, Tituss Burgess’s Titus Andromedon. (Real name 2 s’s (esses?), fake name 1. Actually, real name 4 s’s/esses.) And, she gets a job as a nanny for a rich beeyotchamaphone named Jacqueline Voorhees, a role I assume was written specifically for Jane Krakowski because she is red underlined 100 emoji. Titus, on the other hand, is the red 100 emoji surrounded by 10 flame balls on each side. His role was indeed written for him. I love how much he saaaaaaaaaaaaang in season 1! Let’s see what happens next!
EPISODE 1: Kimmy Goes Roller Skating
When we return, aspects of Kimmy’s life have already fallen apart. She’s been dumped by her Vietnamese immigrant boyfriend Dong so he can marry for a green card. She lost her job because Jacqueline ran off to confront her Native American history and the family she abandoned out west (don’t think about this too much, about how white blonde lady is playing a guilty Native American, or about how this plot line does absolutely zilch for the show). And now her living situation is threatened, because Titus’s ex-wife (whom he abandoned before their first dance because as a homosexual he just couldn’t for another minute) is back demanding spousal support for the last 17 or so years, and Titus tends to flee in the face of adversity.
Should we start with the best or the worst? I like to do crap first and then think happy thoughts, but I’m still laughing at the good parts of this premiere, so let’s start there.
Should we start with the best or the worst? I like to do crap first and then think happy thoughts, but I’m still laughing at the good parts of this premiere, so let’s start there.
THE GREAT
Lilian is on board as Kimmy’s wingman after the sadness of Dong, so that means we got a lot more Lilian onscreen than usual. Although Carol Kane still hasn’t had the opportunity to scream that anyone is a “LIARRRRRRRRRRR!”, this change is very welcome. My favorite parts were a) when she and Kimmy stopped into the Grim Dollar Store (actual name, nice) and she said to Kimmy “I’ll be in intimates”; b) her outfit for their date night – Frankie Says Relax tee and insane tutu; and c) talking about her golden spaghetti hair and how it will attract men. She is so damn winning. She was actually funnier than Titus this episode, at least in terms of speaking parts. Titus still made the best faces, but this episode made him unlikable for most of it. Yeah, that was so his apology/redemption at the end was more satisfying, but still: non-singing, mean Titus? Hard pass.
In the Dollar Store, Kimmy runs into Dong and tries to act super uninterested and confident, but of course it’s fake and funny. So fast and easy to miss this great line:
Dong: Kimmy?
Kimmy: Dong.
Dong: So nice to see you!
Kimmy: I’d like that.
But then Dong WINS the episode when he shares that his English has improved because he’s been watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, which he proves when Kimmy says “It’s working,” and he responds, “Awww, you’re sweeeet” exactly like a Kardashian, complete with the trailing off vocal fry at the end. DIED. It was only topped when Kimmy invited him roller skating and he responded, also in the Kardashian voice, “So yeah, that sounds amaaaazing.” It was!!
Proving that she deserves an Emmy nomination too, Ellie Kemper is so flinging flanging great as Kimmy that I can’t really tell if she’s acting or if she is playing herself. She makes every face and delivers every line exactly right. Only she could make Kimmy’s angry “Well fudge that sugar! Fudge it to heck!” as hilarious as it was.
Wait, I take it back about Dong winning. He came close. The real winners were the tiny tiny role of Amtrak train conductor and whoever wrote this incredible exchange about Amtrak’s true purpose. I can’t rob you of the joy that comes from watching it by showing the text here, so here’s the video, omg.
I really am still crying at this. Maybe you had to have ridden Amtrak thousands of times throughout your East Coast life to appreciate it, but man alive this will be hard to beat.
MEH
Titus, though not at his character-best this episode, had a freaking dance number at the end, on a train platform, with his ex-wife. How this was not a showstopper moment is beyond me! What a wasted opportunity! My dancing is funnier than theirs was! And he could have sung something, anything.
TERRIBLE
So much time was dedicated to Jacqueline’s time with her Native American family and how she is messing everything up because she doesn’t fit in, and honestly this stuff is not any better than it was last season. It seems offensive and really it’s not funny at all. I just don’t get it. Honestly, you could fast forward through those parts and not lose anything. Get Jane back in NYC being a terrible person and a terrible step-mother to Some Hippie pronto!
REAL TERRIBLE
Why, oh god why, does every single sitcom in the history of the world (2010s) hire Fred Armisen as a guest star? Mallory Ortberg, maybe (probably) (definitely) the smart-funniest person in the world, has a famous (at least on twitter/to her disciples) TV Rule:
“every great comedy will have one nearly-unbearable episode where Fred Armisen guest-stars as an unfunny man with a godawful accent.” – M. Ortberg
It is proved true time and time again, like, every week I’m talking. It was bad enough when it happened on “Difficult People”, a show I had previously thought was made for me, but for this terrible, truest law to rear its ugly head on Kimmy? Seriously, I am so so sick of it. I do not like him in real life, I do tend to believe his wife, I do not like Fred Armisen, I do not like him Sam I am. Dear everyone in television: get a damn hold of yourselves and stop falling victim to this law. It’s pissing me off. THERE ARE MORE ACTORS OUT THERE. HIRE THEM.
EPISODE 2: Kimmy Goes on a Playdate
OH yes, we are back to proper form with this one. I found very little to critique, and I paused the show to laugh it out more than I have any show in recent memory (except maybe Once Upon A Time, but that’s a different kind of laugh). Jacqueline – the real Jacqueline – is back! And she has a little doggie!!! She’s back in NYC trying to get back on her feet after the divorce left her with a measly $12 million and no townhouse. As such, she has to camp out with Kimmy (and Titus, whom she ‘recognizes’ as the doorman from Barney’s) while she looks for a new home and schemes for ways to get back in (or back at) her thin blonde rich woman crowd, led by guest star Anna Camp, who does privileged bitch really well especially when she isn’t vomiting. Titus, meanwhile, is trying to get rid of some of his clothes with Lilian’s help. So much of this episode was great that this is pretty much just a list of my favorite lines.
GREAT
Both the main storylines – Titus’s and Jacqueline’s – are whatever, not exactly inspired new ground for sitcoms, but they result in some hysterical dialogue. Even better – Jacqueline having to clear out the townhouse so it can be sold means Xanthippe is back!! Her very first moments were my favorite:
Xan, seeing Kimmy in her house: What are YOU doing here?
Kimmy, trying to act cool: Being in a stupid-face contest and coming in SECOND!
Kimmy and Xan’s interactions are my favorite because Xan tries SO hard to hate Kimmy, and Kimmy does everything she can to make a girl like Xan hate her, but you can tell they like each other. And Kimmy unfailingly says the dumbest, most amazing stuff to her, like the above, to which Xan can only shake her head in disbelief.
The sale of the townhouse and Jacqueline’s new apartment search leads to another fantastic scene, this time between Kimmy and Jacqueline. During their first encounter in the apartment, Kimmy pulls this amazingness:
Kimmy: “Mrs. Voorhees…wait, you’re divorced….What do I call you now, Mrs. Voorhers??”
Only Ellie Kemper can say crap like this and make it so freaking funny. But even better is when Jacqueline is looking at apartment listings, complaining about how all the plus-million-dollar apartments are either too expensive or are utter crap, leading to my favorite line of this episode, which I’m going to share in video form because it’s too good:
GREAT
Both the main storylines – Titus’s and Jacqueline’s – are whatever, not exactly inspired new ground for sitcoms, but they result in some hysterical dialogue. Even better – Jacqueline having to clear out the townhouse so it can be sold means Xanthippe is back!! Her very first moments were my favorite:
Xan, seeing Kimmy in her house: What are YOU doing here?
Kimmy, trying to act cool: Being in a stupid-face contest and coming in SECOND!
Kimmy and Xan’s interactions are my favorite because Xan tries SO hard to hate Kimmy, and Kimmy does everything she can to make a girl like Xan hate her, but you can tell they like each other. And Kimmy unfailingly says the dumbest, most amazing stuff to her, like the above, to which Xan can only shake her head in disbelief.
The sale of the townhouse and Jacqueline’s new apartment search leads to another fantastic scene, this time between Kimmy and Jacqueline. During their first encounter in the apartment, Kimmy pulls this amazingness:
Kimmy: “Mrs. Voorhees…wait, you’re divorced….What do I call you now, Mrs. Voorhers??”
Only Ellie Kemper can say crap like this and make it so freaking funny. But even better is when Jacqueline is looking at apartment listings, complaining about how all the plus-million-dollar apartments are either too expensive or are utter crap, leading to my favorite line of this episode, which I’m going to share in video form because it’s too good:
I also loved in this scene how Kimmy says “drinks at the Ramada.” It’s so random and nothing but she says the words in a weird accent that made it so funny!
The other Kimmy line that made me laugh hysterically happened after getting the job at the Christmas store, when she was dressed as an elf walking down the street. She says to herself,“Oh no, those Santas must be coming from a funeral” – and the camera cuts to two Orthodox Jews as she says “I’m sorry for your loss.” I cackled.
I didn’t love the whole plot of Jacqueline trying to impress Anna Camp by putting on billionaire airs, but that’s just because Jacqueline is the best when she’s the worst person on that screen. Putting her in a vulnerable position hurts the character, I think, because she’s supposed to be a caricature, not someone you feel bad for. But I can’t really fault a storyline that led to Jacqueline, her son, and Kimmy getting into a random man’s Bentley in front of Anna Camp, and then CRAWLING over the stunned man in the backseat in order to escape through the other side, out of Anna’s view. That was some absolute GOLD physical comedy. More please!
As for Titus, he is thank goodness back to his good old self, shrieking after his closet bar collapses and explaining “Much like Icarus, a friend of mine who put too much stuff in his closet, I put too much stuff in my closet!” His plotline of taking some of his lesser worn clothes (his culottes that also double as teddy bear clothes, his outfit from when Mickey Mouse-ing was a thing in the gay community) to a thrift store was kind of forced, but like Jacqueline’s above, it allowed for hilarity. My favorite Titus line was when he looked around the cluttered, dirty thrift store and said:
Titus: “My clothes will be plucked from this hell-hole like so many Orphans Annie.”
Titus also had a little surprise treat at the end, when it turned out that the person who took his clothes from the garbage was a hot construction worker who came out to him years ago! They bond over how hard it is to put yourself out there, and how hard it is for the construction worker to hide his true self at work. The best best best part of this segment was when the man said he had to fake being one of the guys by putting a picture of a hot girl on the back of his truck. Cut to his slamming the door so we see the decal of freaking TILDA SWINTON in a glamour shot. So funny!
Lilian’s best line? Her same best line from Episode 1!!! When she and Titus go back to the thrift store, she says, “I’ll be in intimates.” Ridiculous thing to repeat but I love it!
The other Kimmy line that made me laugh hysterically happened after getting the job at the Christmas store, when she was dressed as an elf walking down the street. She says to herself,“Oh no, those Santas must be coming from a funeral” – and the camera cuts to two Orthodox Jews as she says “I’m sorry for your loss.” I cackled.
I didn’t love the whole plot of Jacqueline trying to impress Anna Camp by putting on billionaire airs, but that’s just because Jacqueline is the best when she’s the worst person on that screen. Putting her in a vulnerable position hurts the character, I think, because she’s supposed to be a caricature, not someone you feel bad for. But I can’t really fault a storyline that led to Jacqueline, her son, and Kimmy getting into a random man’s Bentley in front of Anna Camp, and then CRAWLING over the stunned man in the backseat in order to escape through the other side, out of Anna’s view. That was some absolute GOLD physical comedy. More please!
As for Titus, he is thank goodness back to his good old self, shrieking after his closet bar collapses and explaining “Much like Icarus, a friend of mine who put too much stuff in his closet, I put too much stuff in my closet!” His plotline of taking some of his lesser worn clothes (his culottes that also double as teddy bear clothes, his outfit from when Mickey Mouse-ing was a thing in the gay community) to a thrift store was kind of forced, but like Jacqueline’s above, it allowed for hilarity. My favorite Titus line was when he looked around the cluttered, dirty thrift store and said:
Titus: “My clothes will be plucked from this hell-hole like so many Orphans Annie.”
Titus also had a little surprise treat at the end, when it turned out that the person who took his clothes from the garbage was a hot construction worker who came out to him years ago! They bond over how hard it is to put yourself out there, and how hard it is for the construction worker to hide his true self at work. The best best best part of this segment was when the man said he had to fake being one of the guys by putting a picture of a hot girl on the back of his truck. Cut to his slamming the door so we see the decal of freaking TILDA SWINTON in a glamour shot. So funny!
Lilian’s best line? Her same best line from Episode 1!!! When she and Titus go back to the thrift store, she says, “I’ll be in intimates.” Ridiculous thing to repeat but I love it!
DUMB
The very first line of the episode was a bummer, as it was Kimmy assuming that a man was a woman, and she’s corrected, and that’s the joke. So lame and such outdated humor, like an unoriginal vegan joke. It would have been excused as a one off but then they repeated it! Argh why! Thankfully, this terrible interaction led to Kimmy’s telling the ‘inspiring’ story of a reindeer named Rudolph, with the kind of optimism and genuine belief that only she could muster.
What did you think about the first two back? I hope the rest of the season keeps up the standard set by #2!!
The Summer Season at Pitlochry Festival Theatre
Yes I am aware summer is over, I’m cold.
This past summer we at Ldeezhy had the pleasure of seeing three shows at the Pitlochry Festival Theatre, a lovely (and recently refurbished) venue that all tourists and residents of Perthshire, Scotland should visit when they visit the most beautiful part of the UK (hopefully not for long! Not that other places will take that crown, I mean because it won’t be part of the UK anymore, sink that ship yourselves Tories). We started with Noises Off, followed by Little Women, and ended with Private Lives. Some pretty classic shiz up in here! Getting through this backlog of posts y’all!
The PFT is a repertory theatre, with a resident company, so you see the same actors regularly. Rep theatres are so interesting, because someone will be amazing in one show and then completely miscast in another, but I guess it makes sense here because the pool is smaller? It kind of reminds me of high school drama club in that way. Well and also because they’re doing Noises Off, which we all did right! Okay my school is the only one that didn’t but I know yours did. My best friend was the stage manager! So let’s start with that beloved comedy classic!
Noises Off
Noises Off is one of the few shows that I don’t think I can get sick of. We recently saw the latest West End revival in…my god it was 2019, I guess not so recent, JFC. But that was sensational, because a) Matthew Morrison was sitting behind me (THAT’S EXCITING!) and b) it was directed by Jeremy Herrin, who directed the 2016 Broadway revival that cannot scientifically ever be topped, it was 104% perfection even before accounting for Megan Hilty’s performance in a role no one knew could actually be that funny. Having seen Herrin’s precise, flawless direction on the big stages TWICE, I was thus spoiled for civilian work. The PFT’s production was hilarious, tons of fun, but the direction proved a bit sloppy. In that third act, when there’s very little dialogue but tons of chaotic action and stuff falling and people arguing but with their body language only, it needs to be directed and executed precisely so that the audience has a clue what’s going on. It was a bit too messy. If I didn’t know what was going on, I would have been a little mad that it was so unclear. But not actually mad, because even with the wee messiness, it’s impossible not to keep smiling so hard it hurts your damn face through any production of this show. Also this ensem confirmed that possibly my favorite line in all of theatre is “If it wasn’t attached to my neck I’d forget what day it was.” I mean, I’ve heard that line a lot, but I COULD NOT STOP laughing this time. The best! I also adored that there were two little kids up front who could not possibly have understood all the jokes but they were having the time of their lives.
Little Women
I hate to give her even more power over me, but Greta Gerwig has spoiled me for all versions of Little Women that aren’t hers. Her framing of what Jo was probably forced to include in her book vs. what was probably/definitely true of its author is simply too brilliant to ever deviate from again. When Jo all of a sudden finds love that isn’t Laurie, you just KNOW it’s Louisa being like ‘ugh you bastards want her to find a man, here you go, half-assed plot!’ So to see it portrayed straightforwardly feels wrong, and always has, but especially after seeing Saoirse’s wee smirk at us for even thinking for a second that it could have been true for Jo, or Louisa, whatever/whoever/both. But aside from that, this play verzh was very pleasant, though the whole repertory theatre company thing means that some parts were muhmuhmuhmiscast. I’m okay saying that and not feeling mean because the worst cast person in this, so wooden and strange that we were literally like what what what is happening, was good in a different show, so it’s very much not a talent thing. Minor faults in an otherwise fun time. Also shout out for making us realize how f-ing hilarious (unintentionally) some lines are, like when Jo exclaims to fake-professor man about how much ‘boys just love to go around nutting!’ We nudge each other a lot in shows (no talking!) but this might have been the pinnacle.
Private Lives
This was my first time seeing this Noel Coward classic live! What fun what ho! Noel has a cheeky good time with a terrible couple who makes terrible decisions. At the start of the play, the couple isn’t a couple. They have gotten divorced, and they’re each on their honeymoon with new people – and they somehow ended up with hotel rooms next to each other (with balconies, apparently, that don’t have any barrier between them??? security risk security risk! I would have to move hundo p). Their new spouses are nice plot devices, but you know from the get-go that the two terriburs are meant to destroy these new marriages and end up together again, even though they can’t go five minutes without fighting. What a lark! The cast of four? no five! there’s a housekeeper! does a great job of painting terrible people you can’t stand in different ways. The central couple nails the whole shibang, but my favorite performance was that from Nalan Burgess as the terrible man’s new wife for a hot second (I am too tired to go look up names of characters) who does some of the best theatrical over-the-top wailing I’ve ever heard. I was HYSTERICAL, her crying was so good and so big and it kept getting bigger and funnier the longer it went on. Just excellent work. Overall, it was a strong production, possibly the tightest of the 3? I mean Noel Coward is always a good time, it’s not like it’s Pinter.
INFORMATION
The Pitlochry Festival Theatre is an enormous space that I don’t think could ever be filled even if everyone in town during the height of tourist season came, so there’s usually room to move around away from people, which is the greatest thing you could ever ask for when out in public. The theatre went through a recent refurb and it shows, except for the bathrooms which didn’t get the memo, which is a shame but there’s never really a line. The bar has vegan treats (but not ice cream) and little water fountain spouts. All in all a fantastic theatre. Stay tuned for another (actually recent) show coming later this week!
