Anyway, so we're here again at this 4-hour dose of crazy called the Emmy Awards, honoring whatever the crap the insane voters (the most insane of any voting body except maybe Florida) want to honor in Television. Television is amazing, by the way. As those of you who actually know me know, if a person doesn't watch Television I will not know how to converse with said person. But the Emmys don't really honor the best - if that were true, Tatiana Maslany (of "Orphan Black") would already have at least one statue, and Steve Carell two. No, even more than the Golden Globes (that's right, I'm saying it), the Emmys are...whack. Totally whack. Sometimes, the most deserving nominees do win, but the nominations themselves are often ridiculous.*
So let's talk about who should win out of this year's milky-unmixed-cloudy-substance of the crop, and more importantly, who should have been nominated. Full disclosure: I don't actually watch every Television show there is. Shocking! But I know stuff. Also, Seth Meyers is hosting. I love Seth Meyers, but in things like Weekend Update and especially his White House Correspondent's Dinner performance, my favorite of all time. I am wary of his being able to match Tina and Amy or Jimmy Fallon, the best Emmy hosts ever, because he doesn't seem silly. But I have high hopes.
*I mean, I guess that's the same for every award out there, but still. E for egregious, Emmy.
**PPS, I'm going to use the f word (well the letter f because I'm a lady) a lot, I predict.
BEST COMEDY SERIES
I LOVE the addition of OITNB, though I wouldn't call it a comedy (would anyone?), and "Silicon Valley" is at least outside the box. If I were voting from this field, it would be for "Veep" last year, and it did win last year, if I recall accurately, so this year I would vote for the non-comedy OITNB because I f-ing love that show. But I'd vote for it in the drama category.
So, what should be there instead? "The Mindy Project", which surpassed a solid first season with the best sophomore season imaginable. It perfectly blended ridiculous and amazing situations with true heart and lovely homages to tons of famous romantic comedies. And what actually was the best comedy of last year? By such an immense margin that it almost makes sense that it's not nominated because it is in another league? "Parks & Recreation". The best ensemble currently on Television, the most perfect writing that mixes hilarity and sentimentality without ever getting twee, and the best season finale of possibly any comedy ever. This isn't even funny anymore Emmy, whoever you are you raving lunatic bitch.
BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
JLD is pure brilliance on "Veep", but she's won like 12 times over the past 6 decades. I am SO SO happy for Taylor Schilling, who really does carry OITNB. Regardless of how you feel about Piper, you can't deny that Taylor does a helluva job as the heart of that show. But oh Hallelujah praise JESUS Amy Poehler. Let's win yes please. Did you know she has been nominated 15 times? Never won. She deserves it SO MUCH. I have a feeling that OITNB may ride a huge wave of wins this year, taking Taylor with it, but I can never vote against Amy.
BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Also should have been nominated? The underrated but always stellar Adam Scott for "Parks & Rec". Is he not the best? This scene was deleted but it's hilarious.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
I'm cool with Anna Chlumsky and Mayim Bialik here, because they were my favorite childhood actresses and they inspired me to wear mood rings and fun hats, respectively. And Kate McKinnon, holy crap, she single-handedly saved SNL from being unwatchable the past few years. Her Ellen impression is only topped by her Bieber, which in turn is only topped by her sad Russian lady. But I think Kate Mulgrew is going to be part of an OITNB sweep, unless Janney sneaks in because people looohooove her.
Who would I have nominated? Retta for "Parks & Rec", if only for this scene, or maybe this one. Or maybe Aubrey Plaza instead for conveying so much information (and usually hatred) with just a look. Or Amy Schumer for her own hilarious, game-changing show. Also, why six? I'm so done with the acting categories having six instead of five nominees. B TO THE S. Grow a pair. It's not little league where everyone gets a trophy! Make this shit count!
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Who deserves to not only be in this crowd but to win? Danny Pudi for "Community". Seriously, what does this guy have to do? For five seasons, he has created one of the most original, brilliant, and lovable characters. It should actually be considered a crime that he is missing here, like with arrests and jail time, that kind of crime. He is pure genius as Abed. His work both inside and outside the Dreamatorium makes him already one of the most important characters in Television comedy history.
Who else deserves a nomination ffs? Ron Swanson, I MEAN HELLO??? He stands out in the most perfect ensemble of "Parks & Rec" and that is no easy feat.
BEST DRAMA SERIES
Anyway, I know people loved "True Detective" but I couldn't get through it. Boring! "Mad Men"? Boring! GOT? Great, glad it is nominated, but I'm bored with that too! "House of Cards" would be my pick out of this group, but "Breaking Bad" must win for its final season. There's no way voters would let it go unrecognized, even though it has some awards from past seasons.
What should have been nominated? "Orphan Black", the best drama on Television and the second best show out there period. If you haven't watched it, I suggest you go do that now (and then once you finish both seasons finish reading this post). I can't even begin to explain how good it is. Yes, the main selling point is that Tatiana Maslany plays a shittonne of characters, but aside from that it's still a brilliant, original, captivating show. I can't even deal.
What else should have been here? "The Good Wife", which had a surprisingly incredible comeback of a season, and "Scandal", which is the most fun EVER. Seriously, who doesn't watch and love "Scandal"? Any show that Retta live-tweets (and her faves seem to be "Scandal" & "Good Wife") deserves to be nominated.
BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Who should have been nominated? Well WTF happened to Damian Lewis on "Homeland"? It was HIS last season too! Did people forget? He died well. And Matthew Rhys on "The Americans" (not that I watch it but I hear things)? And even Michael Sheen on his footcycle was snubbed! I'm sorry, velocipede. Sigh.
SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Cersei and Baranski are totally deserving here of nominations and I'm relieved they're in there. Christina Hendricks is always nominated and Elizabeth Moss isn't and that makes me ragey. So I think we will see a repeat performance by Anna Gunn in the final-season-sweep by "Breaking Bad". Honestly, if she gets bested by Maggie Smith I will probably break one of the seven tv's in my living space.
Whose omission is particularly egregious? Monica Potter (yes the same one from that awful Freddie Prinze Jr. movie about models) from "Parenthood" for sure. And Emilia Clarke, as much as she embarrassed Broadway, deserves to be in there too for her best season on "GOT" (at least what I got through). Ughhh thinking about lazy automatic "Downton Abbey" votes that got in instead of these really upset me. I need to go lie down for 45 minutes. NO, AN HOUR. A FULL HOUR.
SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Who would I vote for in this category? MANDAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! OMG. MANDY. PLEASE WIN. I even quoted "Sunday in the Park with George" above just to honor him; you'd think Emmy could at least throw him a trophy. He's the best. Erma.
I think Josh Charles could also pull off a deserving win after what his character went through (well he didn't make it through...so he just went?) last season. Butttt he wanted to get off the show, and if voters know that (they do) they prob don't like it. Peter Dinklage had a spectacular season, with his most intense storylines and I think the most screentime yet...but his accent is still happening. Oh my goodness, that accent. I do not get it. It's like how I pretend to do a British accent and then actual Brits make fun of me for sounding weird. Regardless, he is definitely a front-runner. But I think Aaron Paul is going to win yet again, because last season and all that stuff yada yada yada. And I mean yeah he's amazing.
Expect a win for Jimmy Fallon's first season on "The Tonight Show" and a sheeeettonneeeee for "The Normal Heart". It wasn't even half as brilliant and wrenching and soul-shattering as the last Broadway revival and still it was one of the best things on Television all season.
Do not expect a musical number.
Expect a directing win for none other than two-time Oscar winner Jodie Foster, for her direction of OITNB. Maybe she will EGOT? Can she sing?
Do not expect anyone to mention Lin-Manuel Miranda's win at the Creatives last week, making him one of the few people who already have 3 of the 4 trophies necessary for an EGOT. He's gonna do it. I can feel it.
Expect someone to present obviously drunk and for twitter to explode about it. And for the best part of the night to be the Best Actress in a Comedy nominees doing something silly as their category is announced.