Before I was recapping just 2 episodes at a time, but ugh that would literallyyyy take foreverrrr? (Dong’s Kardashian voice!) and you all finished watching anywayyyyy so here’s like 5 and I just wanna share my favorite parts. So really this is a listicle, Buzzfeed a-hat style, of fun things instead because I just want to get this done with already Kimbecile! So really, think of this instead as is my imitation of a Buzzfeed piece! Enjoy!
Kimmy: “That’s Dong Wen! We were basically the Roz & Frasier of our class. But not sexy like that, just, ya know, cool.”
Woman: “Yeah I get it. I kinda have a Kyle & Maxine thing with my boss. Oh you don’t know 'Living Single'? But I’m supposed to know everything about 'Frasier'?”
I was crying.
Jane’s (can I just call her Jane, Jacqueline takes too long to type; I'll probably alternate) fake moving box labels were amazing: Silver, Crystal, Grand Piano. In this episode, Jacqueline was lent a gown for a benefit by Karl Lagerfeld, from that asshat’s designer line called ‘Crottes des Nez’. That might seem like a whatever line, unless you know French, like I do. No I used google because I knew it had to be something good. Guess what, it means boogers! Tee hee! Karl Lagerfeld is a booger maker! And a big booger himself! (He’s on my list.)
Buckley’s school was cancelled for Rupert Murdoch’s birthday, and Jacqueline of course can’t afford help (and Kimmy turned out to be just another one of Buckley’s drawings on the wall), so Jacqueline has to watch her own son for an entire day. Perish the thought! She thinks she is up to the challenge but very quickly learns she isn’t. His doctor gives her Dyziplen, the coolest new trend in rich people drugging their kids so they don’t have to parent. Buckley and all the other kids on the playground turn into quiet, sullen robots, to Jacqueline’s delight...at least at first.
Doctor: Your son’s in good physical health…But in terms of behavioral development Buckley could benefit from a little discipline.
Doctor: Don’t worry, I’m not talking about actual parenting. I know how busy we all are. I’m talking about medication.
This was all worth it for when Jacqueline started Dyziplen-ing out at the fitting, seeing all the Booger clothes as boring gray stuff. “What’s happening…my brain…it’s Talbotsing!”
Dong was around, I don’t remember really why, but I remember this burn on white travelers: “I don’t want to go back to Vietnam, Kimmy. It’s full of baby-boomer tourists trying to feel something!”
Kimmy’s best line was of course her list of favorite jams: “Giving up is not my jam. My jams are grape, jock, and space!” Even Questlove tweeted this one out! Instant classic!
But the episode fully belonged to Titus (I mean as usual). It started with his perfectly deadpan response to Kimmy’s nonsense:
Kimmy: “Without blue, my entire scrunchie rotation is off. I mean, I can’t wear a green scrunchie on Thursday! Everyone will think I’m horny!”
Titus: “That’s true. I will.”
From there he only got better and better, as the show combined its two best aspects into the most enjoyable combination: Titus being nuts, and the ridiculously crazy original songs. Titus was so happy that he sang songs from failed (really failed) musicals. When Lillian called him out on it, he responded in true Titus form that I have been singing for weeks now:
And here’s his rendition of the hysterically awful song from “Feels like Love”.
Last but not least, this season’s most improved character Lillian had my favorite passage: “I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos. What are you doing? Also try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.”
“You think I’m crazy just because they named that disorder after me. But this time I’m right.”
Lillian: “We already have a way to get sneakers around here – we wait till they fall off the telephone wire.”
Titus: “And they want to open Sole Food in an old soul food restaurant? Like how the first Hooters was opened in an old mammagram center?”
Lillian: “It’s not gross to me. And it wasn’t gross to my late husband, Roland.”
Titus: “Well until recently I couldn’t even have a dead husband so hashtag, respect my journey.”
Kenan Thompson as Lillian’s husband Roland was the best casting! I want more Roland and Lillian flashbacks. Especially if it's to the exclusion of Armisen. One SNL alum at a time.
The dynamic duo outsmarted the hipster duo into leaving their neighborhood by out hipstering them, making them think the neighborhood had already become too hip and that they were too late. Titus as the hipster was genius! He is so wise. His get-up as the bouncer to the secret club was too much!
Other great lines:
Kimmy: “If I find a job in the classifieds, am I allowed to tell anyone?” Amazing! Why is it called that! Seriously!
Titus: “Things change! I don’t look anything like I did when I was a baby!...Ok, bad example.” Get it because he looks like a baby.
Titus: “What’s scary about leatherbound books? Just a bunch of cows and trees that won’t rest until we pay for what we’ve done to them!!!”
Jacqueline: “And now I’m standing on a street named after a...rapper, I guess.”
Camera cuts to Malcolm X Blvd.
Kimmy: “For your information, Malcolm the 10th was a black pope.”
Kimmy recommending a dentist to Jane: “He does walk-ins and his bus ads make it very clear that he does not snitch."
Jane: “I get making people wait for a kidney, but this is something people can see! The mouth is the eyes of the lower face!”
Jane’s whole dental debacle was pretty wonderful, for jokes and for character growth. Her temporary fix of a Mento stuck to her tooth paid off in spades when it fell into the receptionist’s Coke and the whole thing erupted like the biggest volcano in the world all over the dentist’s office. And I loved that they ended the episode with a Mentos commercial where they couldn’t actually say the word Mentos. A+ episode, with the second plus that I gave it subtracted because Armisen. (Every time I say his name I shake my fist in the air so picture that.)
Anyway, this one focused a lot on Jacqueline, Mimi, and our favorite socialite since Celerie Kemble (I used to read the Vogue society section), Deirdre Robespierre, as they embarked upon gala season.
Deirdre: “And I know it just started, but I am already so exhausted by gala season!”
Jacqueline: “Tell me about it! Did you know that poor people don’t even have to do gala season?”
Deirdre: “What?! They just skip it?! Then why do they look so tired all the time?”
Besides Deirdre, the best was that Mimi f-ed up the invitations by trying to do the date the British way – day then month then year, so instead of today being 6.26.16 it would be 26.6.26 IT’S THE WORST and I’m really glad Kimmy Schmidt brought attention to how disastrous this English trickery can be. ENGLISH TRICKERY ABOUNDS. Unfortunately, the actual gala date wasn’t as obvious as today’s date is (because there is no 26th month in our calendar do you get it), and their 10.11 instead of 11.10 was easily confused. Damn the English and their stupid stupid decisions.
Mimi did make one incredible decision though – taking care of the musical guest, Sia, herself.
Jane: “And as soon as I stopped making those jokes, he did leave her! Men find funny women disgusting.”
In other stories, Titus and Mikey are freaking adorable and I hope they stay happy. I loved when they were trying to act bro-ish with the guys from the construction site and they all go “Sup…sup” and Titus goes “soup”. And nothing beats when Titus said to Mikey, “I saw how you were with the other contraption workers.” !!
Titus and Kimmy’s best interaction:
Titus: “Kimbecile what do I always say?”
Kimmy: “Don’t touch my dolls, they’re strictly look-upons?”
Titus: “Not that.”
The best thing by far though was the quick shot showing Pizza Rat Boulevard! He deserves it.
First of all, the not so fun one. So Jacqueline’s $11.5 million painting, in addition to being the one thing shoring up Jacqueline’s claim to social status, is the subject of a legal battle. “The Jews are stealing my painting!” is Jacqueline’s take on it, but really it’s the kind of reparations we’ve heard about in real life. Kind of an odd choice for this show to include such a serious, awkward topic just to provide Jacqueline with the opportunity for some small growth.
Then Kimmy & Dong went to an abandoned hotel and had a fun time, but really it made me feel awkward. It was all awkward. I know we’re supposed to root for them but it was just too weird, this whole thing and really the whole episode. The only things that stuck with me were amazing Mikey & Titus interactions and obviously a reference to Hams.
Mikey as Santa: “I can’t kiss you! I’m married, and Mrs. Claus is a beautiful and very sexual woman.”
Titus: “Where was all this acting commitment when I asked you to say it was my birthday at Baskin Robbins?!”
THAT IS ME I always want to say it’s my bday for free stuff!!
Titus: “You’re the worst actor since Cate Blanchett.”
Mikey: “What? She’s great!”
Titus: “IS she? Or is she just tall.”
OMG YESSSS! This is so ridiculous that it makes it seem true! I love how Titus doesn’t even ask, he states that last part because he knows it’s so true. I mean it’s not true, but it really makes you think about it.
Loved the part about the callback for Hamilton!
Joshua Jackson in the convenience store and Kimmy yelling condoms suuuper awkwardly were hilarious bits! That’s the part that redeemed their whole storyline, sort of. But nothing upon nothing beats the crew singing Christmas carols and including this gem: “Come on let’s order pizza, come on let’s order pizza” is a much better lyric than ‘oh come let us adore him’. Oh my god when writing this I just sang it out loud and husband thought I sang “Come on let’s murder people” and is freaking out and I had no idea why because I’m just sitting here singing about pizza.
So the drunk lady in the title is Tina Fey in a role A BAJILLION TIMES BETTER than the lawyer of the first season. It’s not even right to make a comparison. It’s like apples and hepatitis. Tina plays a therapist who gets super drizzunk at night to the point where she is sort of a whole different person, and her day and night selves hate each other. Kimmy picks up Drunk Night Tina in her job as an Uber driver, which is a brilliant development and way for someone to use Jacqueline’s stolen cop car (painted black). Kimmy complains to her a little about her roommate trouble and gets some good advice from Tina about how to handle it.
Tina: “You need to go home and tells him, what’s his name? Titties? You say, Titties, I value my needs and I needs to take a shower.”
Tina’s line when Kimmy drops her off made me pause and cackle. It’s the best line in years and I have used it about 97 times since hearing it, including in parking lots and in my She LOVES ME review.
One quick thing in this episode that I found absolutely brilliant was Titus taking off his earrings and putting his hair up (no earrings and no hair), prepping to fight.
Kimmy’s best line: “I can help get that vodka monkey off your back…and into a tuxedo, the way monkeys look best!”
THE END FOR NOW. Did you think you were reading Buzzfeed?! I bet. Except there were words in addition to pictures.