Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah, Here I am in Granada (Spain not Camp)

Hello mes babies! Have you read the Dubai food post? I wasted my funny (to Philadelphians) title and my intro about Dubai in that one, so hopefully you read it, because now we have to jump into the actual travel information about Dubai, a place that is, and I mean this in the nicest way, perfect for a layover. (Our layover was en route to Oman, which will be the next travel post.) Dubai has a fair amount to see, but it’s very easy to do the tourist highlights in just a few days. We don’t usually like settling for just tourist highlights, but for Dubai I’ll allow it.

As I said in the food post, Dubai is often thought of as a plasticky playground for the rich, where they build ski resorts in the desert and eat gold or whatever. But, like everywhere in the world except Florida, there’s a decent amount of history and culture, of course. Humans have lived in Dubai, the largest of the Emirates, for at least 100,000 years. Sure they called it something else. These early humans were likely isolated from the rest of the world at that time, but soon started trading baseball cards with Iran, Mesopotamia, and the Indus Valley. Through various dominant cultures and three Iron Ages, the region in ancient times was mainly nomadic but with some fortified settlements and some fun occupations. And then, hoo boy, then Islam was introduced and shit went bananas. It spread to this area of the Arabian peninsula, it is thought, by a letter written by Muhammad, and everyone in the region was all “in the 7th century AD we write letters, we write letters/we put down in writing what is happening in religious movements elsewhere in the world”. (You should know that reference by now.) But then Muhammad died and new leaders couldn’t keep control of everyone as much as they wanted because leaders loooove them some total control so there was war, obvs, called the Ridda Wars (as in we’re gonna get Ridda you rebels) and a ‘successful’ ‘unification’ of the peninsula (/lots of death). Because the people were living in the g-d desert, they remained mainly nomadic for like ever. Then the Ottomans ruled the world, yada yada yada, and then Portuguese came in, yada yada yada, the British were harassed by pirates as they should be, but then they found oil and shit REALLY went bananas and everyone was like wheeeee money but then the Brits were like ‘eh we’re gonna pull out (SO THEY DON’T GET PREEEEGNANT) of our protection agreements because we are like tired and need more tea’ and the Emirates were like ‘um please don’t just leave so abruptly, we will be seriously vulnerable and it’ll be bad’ and the Brits were like ‘nah mate need my tea tho’ and then Iran invaded OBVS and the British navy just kind of watched and was like ‘yeah that’s what they do though, peace out’ and while shit was going down and deals were being made Saudi Arabia snuck in and was like ‘I’m just gonna take this piece of Abu Dhabi shhh’ and then a bunch more stuff happened that you should definitely read about from a respectable historic source if you are interested but the Arab Emirates became United in 1971 which is baby-sized but really exciting for them. I kept this all as one paragraph so it would be easier for most readers to skip. 

So what did we do during our time here, besides butcher historical information? Well, first, we did the thing you kind of have to do: we toured the enormous ridiculous mega-malls. IMPORTANT NOTE: These malls, this whole central tourist area where the Burj Khalifa is and all the various  malls and the faux-lake with its nice bridge, it is not made for pedestrians (well except the pedestrian bridge and lake area, okay I meant like getting to and fro the malls). This whole area was built for tricked out SUVs that no one driving them actually needs. They were built for stretch limos (but not those disgustingly ugly Hummer versions; they can go fork themselves). They were built for driving to, is what I’m saying. We like to walk, especially on vacation, and so we tried to get to and fro the malls with our feets. This is not a good idea. You need to get a taxi. We walked around the perimeter of the Mall Town for literally hours trying to find the way in. You will not find the way in unless you act like a car and go into dangerous lanes where only cars are supposed to go and then enter through parking garages and breathe in only exhaust and wonder why the FORK you couldn’t just walk in the front door like a human being. Do not even think about being a walking human being, okay? Just take a cab.

Once we got inside, I mean, it was a big ass giant mall. It was fun to see all the luxury brands and all the familiar restaurant chains and all the people probably spending millions of dollars, but the thing about these malls is to see the extravagance of the extras. There’s a lot of stuff going on, besides (checks notes) having a Tim Horton’s, a California Pizza Kitchen, a P.F. Chang’s, a Red Lobster, a Texas Roadhouse, and, I shit you not, an Eataly, as any mall in an Arabian desert should. But no, you’re going for the ice rink.

Yes there’s an ice rink.

Yes there’s a movie theatre.

Yes there’s an aquarium.

Yes, there’s inexplicable…art? of people…swan-diving to their deaths?

Yes there’s a dinosaur skeleton.

And plenty more (by Ottolenghi). ( And yes there’s an ACTUAL WAITROSE grocery store on the lower level where you can buy normal priced water.) Suffice it to say, spend an afternoon exploring, shop if you need to (we bought water shoes! we needed them), have fun, but know that there is much more to Dubai than the glitzy monuments to capitalism.

Like museums! We do love museums. First up, the coffee museum! I do not love coffee.

But this was a charming museum that teaches you all about the history of growing and making coffee, plus there’s a tiny cafe upstairs that will make you a decent cup, so I’m told. Coffee growing is serious, hard work, easily exploited, so you should always make sure you buy fair trade (with chocolate too, something I know I need to be much better about I KNOW JOJO).

We got to play with a whole range of bean types, which, despite not being the kinds of beans I love, was still interesting.

This chart is probably important for most of you (though I wouldn’t trust all the facts; maybe take it with a grain of salt (like my historical overview) since I’m prettayyy prettayyyy sure coffee doesn’t cure cancer).

So the Coffee Museum is a nice little way to break into the big museuming, so you can learn a little but like in a half hour, tops, which is my favorite kind of museum. But then you have to go to the Dubai Museum, which takes…longer than a half hour, but is worth all the fact-learning you get! Plus, it’s in a fort!

In the museum, we learned that Dubai lies on a creek, not a river as I assumed from looking at it, even though at 10 km long you can understand why you wouldn’t jump at the chance of calling it a creek. Creeks where I’m from are 4 inches across with maybe a frog nearby. Anyway, Dubai Creek is responsible for how the city developed, in two sides, Dubai and Deira. After undergoing a huge restructuring project in the ’50s to deepen the channel, the creek was able to boost Dubai’s economy by becoming the main trading artery of the Emirates. On both sides of the river creek, enormous cargo ships sit at all times, docking and undocking, loading and unloading all sorts of goods (or just letting them sit for days, as we saw). 

We also saw lots of creepy ass mannequins. I will share pictures of the non-creepy ones because I’m nice. (“I’m nice now!”)

As you can see, the museum had exhibits on all aspects of old Dubai culture – dress, food, farming, energy, traditions, religion, family. Everything! There were also a lot of signs that began “Umm”, like “Umm Suqaim Mound”, an important archaeological discovery that I’d tell you more about but the accompanying info was faded on the sign, but the important part of me sharing this is that this was the height of my obsession with the original cast recording of The Band’s Visit so this whole day I was bothering Z singing “Umm Kulthum and Omarrrr Shariiiiiif” you get it. I guess that’s not the ‘important’ part.

So, you should definitely pay a visit to the Dubai Museum in order to get a handle on the culture and traditions of the region. That is the most important thing to learn about when you travel, is it not? 

But my favorite site of the day came on the walk between the two museums. Winding around this part of the city, there are tons of clay buildings and you can easily get lost trying to find your way through the maze they form, from cute little square to cute little square, trying to get your bearing and remember which way the water is. In one such little square, I found this mirror. (You can see I had fun with Paint cropping Z out. He can’t have his identity blown.)

Behind this stands my favorite place in all of Dubai, the Mawaheb From Beautiful People Studio. Meaning talent, Mawaheb is an art gallery and studio for adults with special needs, who they call ‘the determined ones’. Any determined ones over 16 can create here, learning life skills through art and proving, in their words, that anyone can create art in their own unique way. 

We poked our heads in to see what it was, and we were quickly ushered all the way inside to meet everyone and watch a painting class. It was so lovely to be welcomed into their space and everyone was happy to show us their work.

So obviously you need to pay a visit when in Dubai. They’re located at Villa 11 in the Al Fayidi Historical Neighborhood, and you can also buy their products in the Dubai Airport, Terminal 3, Concourse C. The best place (this studio, not the Dubai airport, god no.)

After the Dubai Museum, we made our way along the water to find the boats. We got in line, got crammed onto wooden canoes, paid our few dirham, and enjoyed this fantastic way to cross the creek to the Deira side. 

We were crossing in order to explore the souks and all their various marketplaces and all their various goods. If you’ve been the souks of Istanbul, for example, you know what souks can be like. If you’ve been to the souks of Istanbul, you can skip it in Dubai. These souks were a nightmare. It was nonstop touts shouting at you and some kind of shady back alleys and just  nothing worth buying if you aren’t a local. Save your time (although it wasn’t so much time; we went through the entire area in 20 minutes, power-walking through to get out). 

Luckily, we still had the Big F-ing Thing to get to that day: The Burj Khalifa. The BK is the tallest building (and freestanding structure, important to distinguish when you’re talking things like radio masts) in the world, and we were going to the top. (Well, effectively.) Built from 2004-2009, the Burj Khalifa is 2,722 feet high (counting the antenna, which seems a little cheaty anagonye but I’ll allow it); the second tallest building is the Shanghai Tower at 2,073, which we also went to the top of! 

Hot tip: Book your tickets to the observation deck in advance, if you can. We didn’t book until we arrived in Dubai, and the only time still available that worked for us was late at night. But you know what, this was lucky for us because going at night is AWESOME. You see the lights of the whole city and it’s very cool, even though it’s harder for pictures to come out well (not that that ever stopped me from sharing pictures).

The observation deck is called At The Top, and you have free reign (using the spiral staircase with the glass walls to the outside world which are kind of terrifying) to go between two floors, 124 and 125. This is the basic ticket that most people get, about $40-50 depending on when you book and everything. But there’s also At the Top SKY, which is the elite ticket, giving you access to Floor 148 and a separate observation deck (the actual highest in the world, whereas the one on 125 is actually lower than the observation deck at the Shanghai Tower, we learned after!) and a private guided tour. There’s also a private lounge super high up for fancy pants people that’s even more expensive. But the SKY ticket starts at $100, and there were two of us, so paying the regular ticket price seemed to be more than enough. Warning, when you book on the website, they make it VERY hard to find the regular ticket, always showing you more info and buttons for buying SKY tickets. RUDE. 

On 124, there is an outdoor terrace – there’s a glass barrier of course but you are open to the elements above head level. I could have easily thrown something (I DIDN’T). It is SCARY but kind of cool. It was also kind of hilarious because right when we got out on that terrace, it starting POURING. We were in the desert, remember, so this was a surprise. And I mean like, it was a monsoon. Everything outside flooded, all the streets and paths, it was unbelievable. And here we were thousands of feet in the air, standing out in the torrential downpour on the highest terrace ever. 

It’s a little cheesy to go to the top of the Burj, I guess, but it’s the big f-ing thing and you gotta see the big f-ing thing! 

So that’s what we did with our few days in Dubai, besides eat and swim which you read about in the previous post. But we still have one more thing to talk about.

THE WORLD’S QUICKEST TOUR THROUGH ALL THE ARAB EMIRATES

For our last day in the UAE, we hired a driver to drive us around the entire country to see the six other Emirates: Sharjah, Ajman, Ras al Khaimah, Fujairah, Umm al-Quwain, and Abu Dhabi. Why did we rush through seeing all of these places that most tourists never see (besides, of course, the last one)? Because it’s important to see as much of a country as possible! To learn about the people and culture more! To pay respect! No it’s because each emirate counts separately for the Traveller’s Century Club.

The driver we hired has never actually done all 7 in a day, and tried to tell us that it was impossible. But nothing is impossible if you put your mind to it! And pay him more! Unfortunately for our abilities to prove him wrong, the enormous storm the night before flooded a ton of main roads leading out of Dubai and into Abu Dhabi, so instead of starting with that most important one (and making sure we had plenty of time in the Grand Mosque), we would have to save that one for last and make a mad rush back to Dubai for our flight that night. I know! Stress!

So we started with Sharjah. The drive into Sharjah is usually 40 minutes? I think? It took three hours. All the roads were flooded, and to top it off it was rush hour on a Monday. It was A MESS. Driving through the main square of Sharjah city center, we were stuck on the same 4 block expanse for 90 minutes, before we were able to exit onto the highway and onto the next city. Luckily, that standstill meant I could run into this bazaar, see an actual thing in Sharjah, and USE THE BATHROOM. It was the best bazaar I ever ran into across multiple lanes of traffic.

Sharjah is a mainly small business and residential city, and it’s very conservative. Most people who live here work in Dubai but it’s cheaper to live out here so they commute. That’s what I learned about Sharjah!

Finally we made our way to Ajman, which is the nice coastal beach area, with more/any Westerners, we spotted. There are some cute beach hotels we passed here. Then we made our way through Ras al Khaimah and Umm al-Quwain, which are both sparse yet have INSANELY large luxury hotels on their beaches, like WHO are all the people going out here for these immense hotels that won’t let me in to pee?!

We drove for a while through the, well, not much, to make our way to Fujairah, where we stopped to eat. I was super nervous because this is where we stopped, and English out here is much harder to come by. But luckily, the guys working made me a big bowl of pretty good veggie stew and brought lots of bread and it was great!

Finally we were on our way to Abu Dhabi, a drive of a few hours from this point, and we made it to the Grand Mosque with enough time to properly visit it. You have to be dressed in longs and longs with your head covered for the mosque, and there are many guards policing the many tourists from removing head coverings or trying to get into roped off sections. You also have to leave your shoes in cubbies before entering so make sure you know which one your shoes are in – this place is ENORMOUS.

It’s also gorgeous.

I could honestly share hundreds of photos but I won’t. It was so beautiful. 

Because of our delayed and reconfigured day, we only had time to quickly drive through Abu Dhabi. Next time! If the extravagance of the mosque didn’t have me shaking my head at all the money pointed in not-ideal directions, Abu Dhabi’s obvious wealth did. Our driver told us that people with luxury cars often want to distinguish themselves and their status even more, so they’ll spend up to $50 million (I assume that’s in dirham, but damn) to get two digit license plates, instead of the normal four digit ones. That is such a disgusting waste of money, I mean, wow. And Abu Dhabi in general, even on a drive through, made me upset with its disgusting wastes of money on display. It took most of the drive just to pass the enormous palaces. There are 42 for the one royal family. They have hundreds of cars. And the country spent billions, billions of dollars, to get the rights to use the name “Louvre” on their new art museum, paid to the French government. I wonder what France is doing with that money? I bet it’s not helping refugees!

Our driver pointed out the towers shown in the 7^th Fast and the Furious movie as well as the crazy hotel from “Sex and the City 2”, the latter of which used to be a palace and is now this incredible, exclusive, outrageously expensive hotel. There’s a big entrance that only the royal family and VIP guests are allowed to use (it goes on FOREVER behind the gates (but not as long as the royal palace section of the city!)).

So, I left Abu Dhabi and the Emirates in general with a bad feeling and a renewed appreciation for socialism. It sucks that there is so much money used for such b.s. while so many people are starving. It makes me made that most/every country in the world doesn’t really care about anyone. 

Anyway. That’s a rant for another day, because this is already too long.

We made our way to the Dubai airport, and here’s a hot tip for Terminal 1: The Yo Sushi/Camden Food Shop on the first level sells water for 24 dirham (about $6-7), which is LUDICROUS considering I needed 4 (they were small bottles). Luckily, upstairs there’s like a regular bodega selling water and snacks at normal prices!!! What kind of amazing airport gem is this? There’s also a McDonald’s upstairs (I know) but they have a plain garden salad, luckily, which is the only vegan option I could find in the airport. It was fine. I’m fine.

We spent most of our waiting time talking to an Emirati man who complained about his Iranian wife for a while and then gave us life advice and it was all pretty amazing. He said you could have a palace or a tent, but if you’re unhappy in a palace and the man in the tent is happy, then that’s all that matters. He may be the only man in this country to get it. (Then he told us he’s the man who designed the roads in Abu Dhabi so, wow.)

All in all, it was a successful, interesting, thought-provoking trip to Dubai. I leave you with the most thought-provoking picture I took, and I ask, I beg of you to answer, WHO is disposing of their large suitcases at the departure gates????