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It Is Impossible to Roll Cakes, But Let’s Make a Yule Log!

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   Some people might say that Yule logs – rolled up filled cakes, similar to jelly rolls but with a stump – are only for Christmas. Nothing says seasons greetings like a hacked tree stump, especially when it’s made of icing and food coloring. My intention with this post was to jollily say, ‘Hey I disagree! Yule logs can be for an anytime party, especially New Year’s Eve!’ But alas, I now firmly believe Yule logs are for never. FOR NEVER. 

   First of all, how do you even. If you made an edible or even delicious cake, as I am wont to do, then why do things that will 99% guaranteed destroy it? Why not just eat it? It’s probably going to crack if you try to roll it up. That’s because it’s not a stone cold piece of crap cake that you could have built in shop class. I’ve heard that it may be easier to roll cakes while they’re still warm; that might prevent crackage. BUT then you can’t add the filling because it’ll melt! So what the hell is the point! Is it even worth it? Why not just have a regular old frosted cake? It saves you the anguish but tastes and looks just as good. Why do we do this to ourselves? Regardless of that last question posed, I do expect you to make this. I want to know how it goes and how badly yours falls apart. Also, the recipes are f-ing delicious, if I do say so myself and oh I just did so there we go. Great cake, great filling. I’d be so happy with myself if I didn’t have a disintegrating pile of broken cake on my stove right now.
    Maybe you think my New Year’s resolution should be to learn how to do this better, become a master at rolling cakes so my next related post might be an actual tutorial to help others who want to success at tree stump cakes. But no. I don’t believe in rolled cakes anymore. I’m also not going to improve my food photography, in case you were going to ask. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

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    I decided to make a gingerbread-ish vanilla cake to go with this fancymazing chestnut puree we found at Fortnum & Mason, which I think is the English version of Williams Sonoma, probably with its own ludicrous holiday catalog (for ludichristmas, as I like to say). We went sometime in November or December, which you should never do because it is wall-to-wall tourists taking pictures and buying $18 jars filled with 4 shortbread cookies. (Remember that’s in pounds.) But the saving grace of this experience was finding vanilla-scented chestnut puree in this adorable little tin. It was pretty cheap too, considering where we were and how much they could have charged. We always buy little interesting foodstuffs, usually when traveling, and then forget to use them before they expire, or we even actively try to ‘save’ them for the right occasion which also leads to forgetting to use them. Such dumb! So waste! With this little chestnut tin, I decided early on to use it…early on.

   I figured New Year’s Eve would be a great time to celebrate with a special chestnut-puree-filled cake, since we decided in advance that we’d be homebodying and what better activity for homebodying than eating a ginormous cake with two kinds of frosting? These recipes really are delicious, so I highly recommend making that as a standard iced sheet cake one day. After you try rolling this shiz.
VANILLA GINGERBREAD YULE LOG CAKE WITH CHESTNUT CREAM FILLING 
For the cake
Ingredients
:

  • 2 cups white flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 2 teaspoons cinnamon
  • 2 teaspoons ground ginger 
  • 1 3/4 cups unsweetened nondairy milk
  • 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
  • 1 1/4 white sugar 
  • 1/2 cup canola oil 
  • 2 teaspoons Bourbon vanilla paste (regular old vanilla extract would be fineeee)

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350F. I don’t think my oven has ever been on a different temperature.
  2. In a measuring cup, let the milk and the vinegar curdle together in love’s embrace for like 5 minutes.
  3. In a large bowl, mix all the dry ingredients from flour -> ginger.
  4. In a different bowl or in a large measuring cup as I do, mix the sugar, the liquid ingredients, and the gross-looking milk.
  5. Combine everything into one bowl until just mixed, don’t overmix, yada yada.
  6. Pour into a 13×9 inch parchment-lined cake pan, or at least the closest rectangular pan. No freedom tonight. 
  7. Bake for 25 minutes, check for browning, do the toothpick test.

For the chestnut cream
Ingredients:

  • 1 can regular coconut milk, chilled in the fridge for at least a day
  • 250 grams sweetened chestnut puree, or whatever kind of jam or fruit butter is your jam. Pumpkin or apple butter would be perfect. Not as perfect as chestnut puree.
  • 2/3 cup confectioner’s sugar
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions:

  1. Open the can of coconut milk and carefully remove just the hardened cream part in to a mixing bowl, reserving the water for another day.
  2. With a hand mixer, or a stand mixer if you’re some kind of landed gentry, mix the coconut cream (mine was hard as a rock; this is good), puree of choice, sugar, and salt and blend and blend and whip and whip for like a minute or so until super smooth and yummy. 
  3. Pour into a plastic container (or just cover the bowl) and refrigerate for a few hours to help it harden.

Assemblage:

  • When everything is ABSOLUTELY COOL MAN, flip the cake onto a surface lined with another piece of parchment (I also put a piece of cling film on top of that; I knew it was going to be a wreck). Peel off the parchment that the cake was baked on that’s now on top, get it.
  • Spread the chestnut cream over the cake, leaving about a 1/2 inch liner around the edges.
  • Then I guess you just roll it? This is where it got f-ed the crap up. I just rolled it. And it broke apart. A lot.
  • I’m gonna put a lot of pictures up instead of using my words. Take a look at what I tried to do. 
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This is the salt I use in all my dessert baking now. It’s so good and interesting!

For the buttercream (to cover the rolled log)

This is where it got even funnier. I was planning to make a tofu mousse to top it with, but when I went to add my soft tofu to the bowl of whipped butter, shortening, and icing sugar, I saw that my tofu expired. Normally I’d be like eh whatevs, but it expired 3 months ago. I think it’s safer not to risk a 3 month incubation period. So my buttercream base for mousse became just over-liquefied buttercream. Here’s the recipe but with less cream than I used because liquid. 
    Whip until smooth:

  • 1/4 cup vegan butter
  • 1/4 cup vegetable shortening
  • 1/4 cup full fat soy creamer
  • 3-4 cups confectioner’s sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon 
  • 1 tablespoon maple syrup

then refrigerate to help harden.

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The good thing about cakes you’re going to flip over is that you can scrape off the original top and eat it without anyone noticing.
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Whipping my chestnut cream, feeling the flow
PICTURE SHOW!!!! BY RKOOOOO
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OH HERE WE GO!
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GOD’S WORK
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LUDICHRISTMAS
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BEAUTIFUL
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CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
YUP AFTER DOUSING IT IN THE BUTTERCREAM I FIGURED WHY NOT SPRAY IT WITH EDIBLE GOLD SPRAY PAINT THAT WILL TOTALLY HELP RESHAPE IT AND EVERYTHING.
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HAHAHA DID YOU SEE THAT
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SILENT NIGHT
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HOLY NIGHT
Now I realize why all other yule log/jelly roll recipes use chocolate cake, or at least cakes and frostings that would be different colors. You can’t even see my beautiful hard work! But you can taste it. It was really good! Can you even believe this. HAPPY NEW YEAR! 
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ART IS EVERYWHERE
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I AM ART
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