Veganizing “Friends”: It’s Pronounced ‘Nes-LAY Too-LOUSuh’

• • 1 1/4 cup sugar
  • 4 tablespoons ground flax seed
  • 1 cup canola oil
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup unsweetened almond milk plus extra tablespoons if needed
  • 5 cups flour
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • dash cinnamon (optional I guess)
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

Directions

1. In a large mixing bowl, mix sugar, flax, oil, vanilla, and almond milk until fully combined.
2. Add the cinnamon, salt, baking powder, and baking soda and mix well.
3. Slowly add the flour, little by little, slowly but surely, inch by inch, putting it together, and start to form a ball. Once you have formed a ball, knead for about 3 minutes.
4. Refrigerate for an hour. (This is optional if you are in a rush.)
5. Let thaw 45 minutes before using.

Chickpea filling
Ingredients

• 2 cans chickpeas, washed well and drained
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 4 tablespoons agave nectar
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 tablespoon white sugar
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice
• dash cinnamon

Directions

1. Put it all in a highspeed blender, or a good food processor if your blender would leave chickpeas resembling chickpeas.
2. Blend until smooth.

ASSEMBLY

1. Remember to let your dough thaw and settle before handling.
2. Break the dough ball into 4 parts.
3. Roll each ball flat until it is about 1/2-1/4 inch thick.
4. Use a circular glass, cookie cutter, or other object with about a 4-5 inch diameter to cut circles. I think I cut it freehand using a knife but not everyone is gifted in the arts.
5. Place a tablespoon or so of the filling in the center of each circle.
6. Fold the edges of the dough together over the filling, making a half-moon or semicircle. When you fold a circle in half, it becomes a semicircle. See, we are baking and learning maths.
7. Take a fork and crease the edges of the folded-over dough. See, now it is like a mini-calzone.
8. Repeat almost ad infinitum. This makes a lot. Like several dozen.
9. When you are on the last ball of dough, preheat the oven to 350F.
10. Finish circling, filling, and semi-circling that last ball of dough.
11. Place half of the calzones on a parchment-paper-lined baking sheet. (Or all of them if you don’t want to try frying, or none of them if you are dead-set on frying all the things.)
12. Bake for about 20 minutes, until golden but not burning.

For frying: 

1. Now, for the fried pants!
2. Get a biggg heavy-bottomed pot and fill it about an inch high with frying oil (non-virgin (opposite of Joseph’s wife) olive, canola, sunflower). Turn up the heat to high and let it sizzle.
3. Drop as many cavazoons as will fit into the oil, cover the pot with the lid, and fry for a minute.
4. After a minute, turn down the heat to medium and cook for 3-4 minutes.
5. Wearing long-sleeved, goggles, and oven mitts on both entire arms, flip the cavazoons and fry for 3 more minutes on the other side.
6. Remove from heat, lather rinse repeat until finished all the cavazoons.
7. Enjoy, once cooled.

• 1 small onion, diced
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 tablespoon curry powder
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 cups vegan sausage of some sort don’t use what I used because gross
• 1/3 cup ketchup (ew)

Directions:

1. Saute the onion in the oil for about 6 minutes. You know how to do this!
2. Add the curry and paprika and stir for a minute. 
3. Add the water and the ketchup and mix well. Bring to a boil, then simmer uncovered and let it reduce until thickened. 
4. If you are using a sausage sub that needs to be cooked, like I did, you can boil it with the sauce. Otherwise, you can pour the sauce over it when it’s done (more authentic). 
5. If you used a regular kind of vegan sausage or you made your own seitan, brava! Go eat this! If you used soya chunk chow for big dogs instead, don’t eat it. Also don’t give it to dogs. So mean. Dogs are the best.