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Veganizing “Friends”: Tartlets?…Tartlets?…Tartlets?…The Word Has Lost All Meaning

December 30, 2013
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PictureTartlets!

      “Well smack my ass and call me Judy!”
No, I didn’t say that! It’s from one of the best guest stars ever on “Friends”, Jon Lovitz! In Season 1’s “The One With the Stoned Guy”, he played a guy named Steve who came to the apartment to interview Monica for a restaurant job. However, as Phoebe reported, he got stoned in the cab on the way over and was just a rude mess. A corn-envelope eating, Sugar-Os throwing, Gummi-Bear stealing mess. Poor Monica’s big opportunity was lost because of drugs. See? Johnny Dakota was right: “There’s no hope with dope!”*
Luckily for us, his erratic behavior made for some great TV. Jon Lovitz is one of those actors with the ability to turn a stupid line into an absolute instant classic. My favorite line reading of his (in this episode, at least; his reappearance in Season 9’s “The One With the Blind Dates” provides stiff competition*) inspired this post’s subject: regarding Monica’s Onion Tartlets. For the past what, 15 years, every time I hear the word tartlet, or even tart, I react in this same way. I can’t help it! Watch and be awed:
       I’ve seen this about 100 times and I still love it. The word tartlet makes me laugh so hard!! I don’t know how Courteney Cox kept a straight face during filming, because I couldn’t have. I’d be the worst sitcom actor ever. I’d break more than Jimmy Fallon. Anyway, so Steve couldn’t wait a measly 8 1/2 minutes for the onion tartlets. He got all up in Monica’s pantry, looking for munchies.

Picture“I was just being polite.”

       “Hello Greeter Girl.” I love it. But he’s so rude! Not only did he take items off her shelf but he actually stuck his grubby hands in and ate some of the food! I would have snapped much earlier than Monica did. I can’t stomach fools! And I really can’t stomach grubby hands in my cereal boxes. I love cereal. Let’s have cereal! No, we’re here to make onion tartlets. And wow, guys, I must say, this shit is crazy good! I used The Vegg for the first time. If you aren’t familiar with it, The Vegg is a vegan, powdered egg replacer that is extremely, eerily egg-like. It even made my kitchen smell like sulfur! The people at The Vegg were nice enough to send me a free sample, and I think these tartlets (hehe tartlets) are a great way to experiment with a little bit of it. I am definitely going to be buying this in the future. If you don’t have access to it, I bet a mix of EnerG Egg Replacer, nooch, and black salt would substitute well (or even just the nooch and black salt if you use firm tofu). However, this concoction blew the minds of some real egg-loving omnivores in my house, so I suggest ordering the Vegg.
To make the little tartlet shells, I stole a recipe from this really cool blogger over at HelloGiggles and I don’t even feel bad about it. I’m taking her method too — you use the bottom part of your muffin tin (the smaller your muffin cups, the better for this!) to form your dough into cups! It’s genius! So, we’re going to make and semi-bake the little tartlet pie cups first, then fill them with the eggy mixture and bake again. Be careful that your crusts don’t burn (like some of mine did) as it takes a long time for the filling to cook. It might help to cover your pie edges with tin foil to prevent burning (I never do this because I love burnt edges). Weirdly, the uncooked filling tastes just like egg salad. I was always disgusted by egg salad, but the stuff without any actual eggs is pretty rad. Let’s make some tartlets! Hehe tartlets!
MONICA’S ONION TARTLETS
HEHE TARTLETS
For the tartlet pie cups
Ingredients:

  • 2C all-purpose or whole-wheat flour
  • 1t baking powder
  • 1t salt
  • 3/4C Earth Balance or vegan margarine
  • 1/2C cold water

Directions:

  1. Mix your dry ingredients in a mixing bowl.
  2. Cut the margarine in with a pastry cutter or your fingers. I have a pastry cutter, but I used my fingers here! Ohhh livin’ on the veeedge.
  3. Add the water and mix into a ball, then knead well, about 15 times.
  4. Flatten into a disc, wrap in cling film, and refrigerate for an hour.
  5. Take the dough out and let thaw for 30-45 minutes before rolling out.
  6. Preheat your oven to 350°.
  7. Roll out to about 1/4inch thick and cut into small squares that will cover the bottoms of your muffin tins.
  8. Bake for 10 minutes, just long enough to set the shape but not too long that they are fully cooked.

For the filling
Ingredients:

  • 1 very large onion (to make about 2C diced)
  • 1T olive oil
  • 1t salt
  • 1 box (12 oz.) silken tofu
  • 5t The Vegg egg replacer powder
  • salt and black pepper to taste
  • 3T nooch

Directions:

  1. First, we’re going to caramelize the onions!! Get a big heavy stock pot, heat your oil over medium-low heat, and add your onions. Cook, stirring often, for about 30-40 minutes over medium heat, to caramelize the onions. Add a pinch of salt halfway through. You can totally just brown your onions over high heat if you don’t have the time or patience, but caramelizing onions is one of those amazing magic tricks you should learn to do someday.
  2. While your onions cook and then cool, mix your tofu, Vegg, salt and pepper, and nooch into a mixing bowl. Use a fork to mash the tofu. Do not puree or blend it, as it’s much more authentically egg-like when simply mashed roughly.
  3. Add your onions to the tofu mixture.
  4. Once you’ve prebaked your pie shells for 10 minutes and cooked your onions, fill each shell with the onion tofu mixture and press gently down. Put all the shells in a large glass baking dish (or two) and bake at 350° for about 40 minutes.
  5. Check at 30 minutes to make sure yours aren’t burning.
  6. Ta daaa! Enjoy!
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Thanks Vegg people!
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“Is it dry in here?”
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THE SHADOW FINGERS WILL GET YOU, PIE DOUGH!
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Thiis is howw you dooo ittt
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You could also just eat the pie crusts plain.
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Onions overboard!!
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“You know, I don’t know what I’m looking for.”
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Don’t worry it’s not really egg!
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Adding the onions. Onions, man.
     These are actually really good! If you take the time to roll your pie dough out and cut them more carefully than I did, you could totally serve these at a dinner party. Or any kind of party. New Years Eve? Nothing like ringing in the new year with the smell of sulfur! I hope you enjoy!
*What was your favorite Jon Lovitz quote on “Friends”, from either of his episodes? Don’t you love when he says, “And I’m pretty sure…I’m infertile” because I do.
*Do you know who Johnny Dakota is?!?!
original comments: https://laughfrodisiac.weebly.com/my-own-creations/veganizing-friends-tarletstartletstartletsthe-word-has-lost-all-meaning
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Crazy Mother Hubbard: What To Do With The World’s Largest Squash, Part 3 – Squashy Pumpkin Cinnamon Buns!

December 23, 2013
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    The Saga of the Massive Hubbard Squash is just about over! We have (had, I mean this was like 3 weeks ago) just about 2 cups of baked squash cubes left, enough for one last hurrah, after we made delicious bean stew and great squash muffins. I am almost sad to say goodbye to this monster. #StockholmSyndrome.
     I was craving cinnamon rolls, and I didn’t have the motivation to make anything else, so into the buns they went! Are they rolls or buns? Someone please tell me. Anyway, I used to be scared of baking with yeast because ew it’s alive and it makes things grow and we’re vegans and shouldn’t be eating things that grow as you make it…but then I remembered that my love of playing with my food outweighs my fear of weird things, so I gave it a try, loved it, and now I’m like the yeastmaster. Worst name ever. But these rollbuns are fantastic! Let’s learn how to make them!

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      These are very much like pumpkin rolls, so if you don’t have a monster squash around, you can substitute pumpkin or other wintry squash. The squash provides moisture in the bread and lovely, comforting flavor in the filling. 

          CAUTION.
NB that using the Hubbard Squash somehow breaks the laws of nature, because the normal amount of flour that should have sufficed ended up being nowhere near enough. After mixing the liquid ingredients together, I added the flour, la di da, things are fine, but then the mixture was still way too wet, no matter how much extra flour I added. It was the Squash Monster! It kept absorbing flour like it was me drinking water and it wouldn’t stop and everything got dark and fuzzy and I ran out of flour and had to make oat flour but the Squash Monster (Squashster?) just wouldn’t be satisfied until it had destroyed ALL OF THE POSSIBLE FLOURS I had in my house. I even had to throw in some quinoa flour just to mess with its head. Finally, with both of us exhausted but only me still hungry, Squashster dried up a little, enough for me to actually roll out the dough, which was yet another hurdle to overcome considering I had no flour left to flour the rolling surface. Man alive. All of this is just to warn you that this could happen, so buy extra flour. The rolls were fantastic, so don’t be skeered. Also, I’m sure it was just me.

HUBBARD SQUASH & PUMPKIN 
CINNAMON ROLL BUNS 
INGREDIENTS:
For the buns:

  • 1 packet instant yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons, I believe)
  • 2T white sugar
  • 1C warm-to-hot water (should not be too hot to touch)
  • 1C hubbard squash or pumpkin, pureed
  • 1/2C unsweetened nondairy milk
  • 1/4C vegan butter (used Earth Balance)
  • 2T coconut oil
  • 1/4C brown sugar
  • 1/2t cinnamon
  • 1T vanilla extract
  • 4C white or white-whole wheat flour
  • 2C oat flour 

For the filling:

  • 1C squash/pumpkin, pureed
  • 1T cinnamon
  • 1/4C melted vegan butter
  • 1/4C white sugar
  • 1/4C brown sugar
  • (You can play with the filling to suit your preferences)

DIRECTIONS:

  1. First, check your yeast. Put a packet of instant yeast in a measuring cup with 2T of sugar and 1 cup warm-to-hot water. Let it sit for 5 minutes. It should get all foamy and cray cray. It helps to treat your yeast like it’s Audrey II so sing to it “Oh pleeeease, grow for meeeee!”
  2. Next, get a big mixing bowl and blend together your 1C of squash, your milk, Earth Balance, coconut oil, vanilla extract, and brown sugar. 
  3. Add cinnamon and the yeast. Mix mix mix.
  4. Now start adding your flour as you mix. You should need 5-6 cups. I needed 11. I actually liked the earthiness added by the oat flour, so I suggest using 2 parts wheat and one part oat and we will leave you on that note.
  5. Knead your ball o’ dough for 5-10 minutes (until you get tired; we have to watch out for carpal tunnels). 
  6. In a clean, oiled mixing bowl, place your dough ball and cover it with cling film and a dish towel. Let it sit for 2 hours. It should rise like the sun.
  7. In the meantime, mix your filling ingredients together.
  8. AFTER THE RISING: Roll out your dough in workable sections, making long rectangles about 1/4 inch thick. Cover with a layer of the filling. 
  9. Roll longways, so you are left with a long roll, not a short and fat one. 
  10. To cut them, get some UNFLAVORED dental floss. Using a knife to cut these babies would squash them (HAHA) and we don’t want to do that. We want to preserve their lovely round shape. So you take dental floss, place it underneath the loaf, and you criss-cross the ends to slice off pieces. See picture. Or ask me.
  11. I cut into mini rolls in order to feed more people, about 1.5 inches long.
  12. Lather rinse repeat until all the dough is cut.
  13. Place your rolls onto a baking sheet and let rise for another hour. You can skip this rising but it would be dumb.
  14. Preheat the oven to 350°.
  15. Now, brush the tops with more of the filling (you should probably have some leftover). I kind of drowned mine in it, which made the buns absolutely so much better. Do that.
  16. Bake for 18 minutes.
  17. Eat half of them, share the others.

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Yay boy the yeast is jumping! It’s really jumping! Come in, cats, and check your hats, I mean this yeast is jumping!

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HAHA SQUASH I HAVE DESTROYED YOU!!!

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Punchy punch!

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ROLLING rolling ROLLING rolling ROLLING OUT MY DOUGHHHH

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Roll from the rolling pin side down

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Dental floss prevents gum disease AND slices your cinnamon buns without hurting them!

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Unbaked, goopy with congealing butter. Mmmm. Do that.
          THESE ARE SO GOOD YOU HAVE TO MAKE THESE! I brought them to work and people loved them. I bring goodies to work somewhat frequently, and usually only the people I run into give me comments. With these, however, people actually sought me out to tell me how good they were. So, you know, you gotta make them. Enjoy! 

Love From Philly: Charlie was a sinner. Elevates Philly’s Vegan Scene

September 27, 2014
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   Before we get into the important food-related stuff, let’s acknowledge how difficult it is for me to leave the title like that. But that’s actually what this new amazing restaurant is named and how it is written: Charlie was a sinner. With the period. I love it! But even more, I love the place. It’s the new all-vegan bar from one of Philly’s favorite young restaurateurs, Nicole Marquis of HipCityVeg fame and general wonderingment. Charlie is a swanky, dimly lit, old-Hollywood inspired bar with a creative, upscale menu both for drinks and for small plates. Even early in the run, almost everything I tried was wonderful. 

PictureRicotta and amazing toast

   Each time I ate at Charlie, my table began with a toast starter called Our Ricotta, which is a dip made from tofu, agave, black pepper, and olive oil and served with fantastic toasted bread. Internet vegans are seriously divided over this faux-ricotta, because it is kind of just whipped tofu and everyone’s like, oh I can make something more interesting than this. The crazy thing is, when I’ve shared this with dairy-cheese-eating omnivores, they’ve loved it! Omnis love the ricotta more than tofu-loving vegans! Anyway, yes it is extremely subtle and maybe boring for some people, but I like subtle (and sometimes I like things on the blander side) and it was lovely. 
      Another item I can’t help but order every time I’m there is the Maryland-style crab cake sliders, which I think is Charlie’s best item. I suggest you also get at least 2 orders (per person) because they only come with two little magical sliders, and they are usually on the happy hour menu (so, for only $4 or so). So get at least a few because they are indeed magical. The zucchini-based patties have the perfect flavor, definitely evoking a crab cake but not fishy or faux-fishy in the slightest. They’re lightly fried (I assume) but not at all greasy. The little semolina rolls somehow melt in your mouth. They are so soft and buttery but not in the gross usual Wonderbread way. Just outstanding. 
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Maryland-style crab cakes
    Various sorts of tacos are also common happy hour staples, with one decent soft taco for $3. I’ve tried both the mushroom and the squash, and even though mushrooms are one of my top 4 foods, the squash taco is much more interesting. 
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Squash taco, above, and mushroom, right
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Korean-style fried tofu
    Yet another fantastic dish was the Korean-style fried tofu, super spicy and dense and delicious. (Charlie does like adding the “-style” to titles lest someone accuse a dish of not actually being authentic or something, though what does that even mean.) This was really great, garnering two thumbs up from each of my omnivorous fellow diners. Just delicious. I keep wanting to call it Korean BBQ tofu, because I feel like every tofu dish that claims to be Korean is always Korean BBQ. So plus 1 to Charlie for being different, I guess. Anyway, I really want some of this tofu now. 
     As you can see in these pictures, Charlie can apparently read my mind, because all the dishes have the perfect vegetable accompaniment, which I always want. The crab cakes had an arugula salad, and the tofu had pickles, the perfect choice. 
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Korean-style fried tofu
    In the summer, you couldn’t go wrong with the heirloom tomato salad anywhere, and Charlie’s was delicious. I am not the biggest fan of raw tomatoes, but heirloom tomatoes at the height of their season? Amazing. It was a seasonal special, so I suggest you order whatever is in season when you go. The salad mixed fresh tomatoes with soft peaches, arugula, and some kind of candied crunchy nut. So delicious! 
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Heirloom tomato salad
   I can also recommend the stunning fresh fig salad, which is on the regular menu. It mixes the figs into a watercress salad with a vanilla bean vinaigrette. Who even thinks of basing a salad dressing around vanilla bean? Super impressive. 
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Fig salad

PicturePappillote

     Less impressive but not bad was the pappillote of baby fennel, a beautiful smelling and looking soup of tofu, fregola sarda (my favorite Italian grain), and the common stew vegetables. It arrived wrapped in ballooning plastic that was cut by the server very dramatically, and it was all very exciting and nice, but the taste was lacking. It needed a heavy dose of salt – and I usually am extremely sensitive to salt in my food. I would stick to the more fancy bar-type foods that are easier to eat and save the Italian soups for Italian restaurants. 
      On that note, you’d probably expect me to tell you to stick to spaghetti and meatballs in Italian restaurants as well, but you’d be wrong. Charlie’s bucatini and “meatballs” were fantastic! The bucatini was as thick and perfect as any I’ve had, and the meatballs were fun. It’s served with a chickpea ragout as well. It’s such a yummy little pile of comfort that it’s worth ordering even if it might not match the rest of your meal. 
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Bucatini and “meatballs”
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Chickpea fries
     Lastly, I adored Charlie’s chickpea fries. I actually think these are ten times better than the award-winning, super famous chickpea fries at Peacefood Cafe in NYC. While Peacefood’s Indian-spiced fries are more like patties that must be eaten with a fork, Charlie’s are actually crispy and can be eaten like fries, dipped into a garlic aioli. Wow, I could eat so many of these. They are fantastic! They are a little salty for me, but I think that’s how fries are supposed to be. 
     The service at Charlie was pretty great as well. On my first trip there, I ordered the basil fennel lemon soda, but they were out of fennel. So the waiter brought me another impressive non-alcoholic option, the raspberry ginger soda, on the house. That’s nice! I had the basil fennel soda at a later visit, and both were lovely, though the basil soda could have shared some of the raspberry’s sweetener and then both would be perfect. 
     A surprisingly great mocktail on offer is the spicy pineapple, which blends the fruit with agave, lime, and cayenne. Wonderful! I love that they have interesting mocktails on the menu; more places need to do that. 
     I obviously know that if you are visiting Philly, you have too many fantastic vegan options than you know how to handle. But if you are looking for a fancy-looking place with a great vibe, nice service, and wonderful food, try to get to Charlie was a sinner.. (I added an extra period I think that’s right.) 

CHARLIE WAS A SINNER., PHILADELPHIA
Water speed: What’s my favorite thing, people? Glass water bottles on the table. They even had herbs in them! 
Service: Very nice! 
Bathrooms: Two fancily decorated and enormous singles. 
Food: Delicious small plates so you can try a lot, especially during the crazy good happy hour specials. 
Bonus: Great cocktails and mocktails, happy hour specials, chickpea fries. 

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