Also: throughout this month, I’m going to put little clues in my posts. Whoever answers my questions will get points that go towards AWESOME GIVEAWAYS! I’ll announce that stuff in due time. It'll probably include t-shirts and the elusive dark chocolate Kit-Kats, which you can't find anymore because they changed the formula to milkify it aaaand Jojo and I bought out all of Canada before said milkification occurred.
Secondly, on Sundays throughout Mofo, I will be baking breakfast foods! Today we are making uber protein-packed bars.
- “Food. Is that not common?”
- “Where do you get your pants?”
- “I don’t need any, I’m a Jew.”
- “From babies! Mmm, babies.”
NB: That last one is a joke for me and you, but sadly it’s real for some people.
Anyway, of course we all (hopefully) know how to get enough protein on a vegan diet. However, I exercise like a mofo (HAHA MOFO) and build a lot of muscle, so I assume I need more. Every Sunday, I prepare for the week by making a pretty unpalatable to some but delicious to me protein bar. The mixture changes every week somewhat, but it always includes a shittonne of protein-rich stuff.
So, if you want to have crazy protein-packed bars at your ready, let’s get going!
Then, you’ll blend the wet ingredients together. I first blended a can of chickpeas with some boiled prunes (I KNOW SO GROSS), and added applesauce, coconut oil, and a shittonne of peanut butter. I used my stupid dying Magic Bullet to blend this stuff in intervals. Don’t do that; use a normal blender. I mean, it worked fine, but it was a total pain in the ass and took an extra 10 minutes or so. If you use a human-sized blender instead, you'll probably be able to whip this up in like 4 seconds, which will get protein to your cells faster, which will make you look like the man in the picture above even faster. You're welcome.
- 1.5 C rolled oats
- ½ C quinoa flour
- 2 heaping scoops protein powder of your choice
- 2T cacao nibs
- 2T hemp seeds (If you aren’t running out like I am, use more!)
- 4T sesame seeds (I have a surplus of these)
- 2 handfuls of sliced almonds (crush those bastards as you add to the bowl)
- 1/3 C Linwoods ground seed mix (this bag had ground flax, sunflower & pumpkin seeds, and goji berries)
- pinch salt if your peanut butter is unsalted
- 1 can chickpeas, well rinsed
- ½ prunes
- ½ C peanut butter
- 4T apple sauce
- 2T coconut oil
Preheat the oven to 375°.
- Mix all the dry ingredients in a bowl.
- Boil your prunes (or use dates, if you want this to taste better), then blend them with all of the wet ingredients.
- If you are silly and using a tiny ass blender like I did, you’ll first blend the chickpeas and prunes with some of the prune-water, then once they are blended dump some of the mixture into the bowl of dry ingredients. Then you’ll add the applesauce and coconut oil, blend, dump. Then you’ll add the peanut butter and hope it blends. You know what, don’t use the Magic Bullet for this. It sounds ridiculous.
- Spread the mixture into a big baking dish covered with parchment paper, and bake for about 30 minutes.
They’re not the most delicious thing I’ve ever made (see: ice cream cake wreck) but they are functional as hell. Play with the recipe to suit your tastes, and put your mind to it, go for it! (Get down & break a sweat!)*