I honestly still don't know how I feel about Moscow. We spent four days there, and saw all the things we wanted to see in four days, and I just feel like I don't have a handle on the city. There's a lot going on and every area feels like a different city or even country. The center is really fancy, with every high fashion design house and jewelry company represented on polished streets. But 10 minutes outside the center, and by the train stations, it looks like how we'd imagine Russia at the collapse of the Soviet Union. It's all very incongruous, and not being able to grasp the correct mood of the city made me feel uneasy. Although, it could just be because of the P.O.S. hostel we stayed at!
We left St. Petersburg Wednesday night at 11:55pm on the famous Red Arrow sleeper train, Train #001, for Moscow. This was our first real leg of the Trans Siberian (or Trans Mongolian...or Trans Manchurian...we're going to Mongolia & China so it's like both/all/I don't know). Oh we met some older tourists earlier that day or the day before who were Russian but lived in Miami. They asked what we were doing in Russia and we said "We're doing the Trans Siberian Railway!" and the Russian Miami lady said "Oh is that a Jewish thing?" Like first of all what. Second of all what Russian person doesn't know about their train system? Thirdly who says anything like that to 3 strangers who are combined only 1/6 Jewish? Was so weird! Who doesn't know what the Trans Siberian is when you are IN Russia? So now every time we are faced with any sort of new thing we go "Oh is that a Jewish thing?" Amazing. So anyway, on our St. Petey-Moscow sleeper, we were in second class but it was the fanciest darn train I've ever seen. (What on earth is first class like!) I boarded with my teeth already brushed, my face already washed. I hurried to the bathroom in the train-provided slippers to take out my contacts and put on my pajamas, and then I was ready to snuggle into my clean white-sheeted bottom bunk when...our stranger cabinmate arrived! Second class means cabins of four beds, and we were three people, so we had a STRANGER! His name was Ivan and he was a Russian man, mid-30s I'd say. He was super nice and friendly and spoke enough English to get by with us, but that meant he was up for chatting AND he had a friend in the next cabin who came in and sat with us! On our beds ughhhh. It was after midnight and I wanted to sleep and I was so tired from all we've been doing and these two Russian guys were drinking and chatting for hours with the two American boys while I did the head-conk sleepy thing I used to do in Statistics. I mean trying to stay awake so strangers can drink and talk in your room after midnight when one of them isn't even supposed to be there and in the best case you can only get like 6 hours of sleep and you have a HUGE day of sightseeing to do the next day isn't exactly my idea of fun. But I'm weird like that.
Still, it was a beautiful train and a great experience - one which really spoiled me for the subsequent train journeys this trip, but we'll get to that later. On this fancy train, they gave slippers and toothbrushes and little water bottles and breakfast cookies (not for me but still). Even though we didn't get enough sleep, we were excited enough by our arrival in Moscow to charge through a whole day of stuff. We arrived at the train station which is in one of the not-nice areas and I was like oh hot damn, we’re not in Kansas anymore. We made our way to our hostel, which was luckily centrally located in the nice part of the city, so its location was 100% responsible for its high online rating. 7 minute walk from the Bolshoi Ballet, 15-20 from Red Square. The location was responsible for all its internet points, because it was a p.o.s. The teenagers ‘working’ there, and I use that word loosely, barely did anything at all. It was an ordeal to get them to do their job, like put toilet paper in the shared bathrooms. One of the guys working a few night shifts I think was just hanging around because he was the boyfriend of one of the actual employees. It was all very ridiculous and unprofessional. Speaking of those shared bathrooms, one for each sex, they each had one communal hand towel by the sinks. Those towels were not changed more than once in our four day stay. Husband said the men’s remained on the floor in a puddle the whole time. Worst of all, they didn’t have a water cooler or purifier like the last hostel did. We aren’t supposed to drink the tap water so we had to buy sooo much plastic. Ugh. All of this doesn’t even compare to how rude the other guests were. Loud talking all night, music, hell one guy was playing his ukulele at all hours and even though I really like the ukulele I think he put me off the ukulele for the near future. What a shame. But the winner was the guy who was skyping for three hours one night, seated at the small desk right outside our door. He had the loudest voice I’ve ever heard in my life and was a ridiculous person, talking about his views on Ukraine and how he wanted to protest something while in Russia and I was like omg you really are an idiot. When it got past midnight and we were still clearly hearing every painful word of his through our closed door, I went out and was like ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? He moved to a standing wander outside the men’s dorm which I think went over with them equally well. I’m so glad to be done with that place (although I’m writing this from a tiny tiny train cabin shared with two strangers and what I would give for that private room right now.
The first thing on our agenda was to see Red Square, but Husband missed being away from work for so long apparently because the first thing we actually did in Moscow was meet his colleague at the Moscow office of his firm for coffee lololol. Really nice guy! I had two bottles of law firm water for free!
The first thing on our agenda was to see Red Square, but Husband missed being away from work for so long apparently because the first thing we actually did in Moscow was meet his colleague at the Moscow office of his firm for coffee lololol. Really nice guy! I had two bottles of law firm water for free!
Red Square
GUUUUM After dropping our bags, we immediately set out for Red Square. That’s the big f-ing thing to see, right? We wanted to see it straight away! (Look how British!) But the politzia had other things in mind. The entire area surrounding the Red Square was barricaded off and black sedans did what seemed like speed tests back and forth in front of the Four Seasons. People who spoke a little English said it was because that day marked an important day in Russian history, but I don’t know how the fake car chases help to celebrate it. With the entire central region cordoned off, it meant we could not get to the Red Square, St. Basils Tomb, the State History Museum, the Kremlin, Lenin’s Tomb, GUM (the department store that was the subject of literally every practice sentence in our first semester of Russian - “Where are you going?” “I’m going to GUM!” “Where can I buy souvenirs?” “You can buy souvenirs at GUM!” - so it was what we were most excited about in all of Moscow, I think. Pro tip, you can’t actually get souvenirs at GUM; it’s a super swanky mall now with every expensive designer you can think of represented, plus endless ice cream carts. We’ve never seen so many people constantly eating ice cream as we have in Russia). Our entire Moscow list was suddenly unavailable to us! So we decided to use that unfortunate turn to go out to the burbs to pick up the rest of our train tickets from the company we used to book them. (You can book them yourself, but we are on such a specific schedule, and it’s summertime so the routes fill up, so we didn’t want to risk it. Also, so far all our trains have been full, so it was worth it.)So at least we got that over with, but we still hadn’t seen really any of the city yet!
State HIstory Museum
Later that afternoon, we decided to try again, but nope, barricades everywhere you turn. Luckily, one of the guards at the barricades (you at the barricades listen to THIS! no one is coming to help you to fiiiiiight you’re on your oooown you have no frieeeends <-- literally the meanest lyric in all of musical theatre) was able to communicate to us that Red Square itself was now open, but the gates remained all around - except for in one roundabout area which we directed us to. A little more walking (we’re walking like 10 miles a day erma my po po feet)and we finally made it to what we came for.
Mixed up files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler
The Red Square is impressive, mostly because of St. Basil’s Cathedral, the famous onion domes you know. It’s a lot smaller than we expected, but super gorgeous. We went inside immediately, and it’s surprisingly not a big hall like most other churches but is made up of tiny chapels and little staircases and alleys connecting all these disparate parts. I didn’t care much for the inside, especially after being blown away by the inside of the Church on Spilled Blood in St. Petersburg, but it’s still St. Basil’s and so famous and important so go if you want. The outside is where it’s at though.
One entire side of the square is GUM, one is the State History Museum (which Husband went to when I needed a morning off from museuming which was the best decision maybe I ever made), one is Basil’s, and one is the walled off border of the Kremlin, plus Lenin’s Tomb. We wanted to go to Lenin’s Tomb right after Basilypuddy but for some reason it was closed off. The guard said just ‘closed today’ and open tomorrow. The Tomb has very specific, short hours - just 10-1pm - so we were upset that we would have to fit it in another day. Guess what. It took four days of trying before it was actually open. “Historical days”, “Graduation”, more “Graduation” - guards over the next three days had all kinds of excuses ready for us as to why it was closed when it wasn’t supposed to be. So frustrating. When we finally got in, on our very last day, it was an hour and a half wait! 90 minutes in line just to see an embalmed body?
Not Lenin's tomb but at Lenin's tomb
Weird stuff inside guys
Oh that’s right, Lenin is literally displayed in a glass case (of emotion) like it’s an open casket at a funeral. He looks like he just died. They are embalming the crap out of him. It’s sooo weird. I knew he was like mummified somehow but I didn’t expect it to just be like ‘here, it’s a body like normal, except dead for decades’. I made several emoji faces during our hurried walk around the glass case (the many guards usher you along quickly (also no pictures allowed of course, would be too weird)) and I think the guards were laughing at me. It was so weird. I wonder if this was Lenin’s wish or if it was decided after he died. I hope his ghost isn’t like freaking out over being a tourist attraction. So weird.
Guarding Moscow's Eternal Flame outside the Kremlin. Strangely this is a popular place for newlyweds to take photos - and indeed we saw some doing just that!
Inside the Kremlin - Cathedral Square Another day was dedicated entirely to the Kremlin. Okay guys, if you are planning to go to Moscow soon and visit the Kremlin - which you should if you are there - know that it is an absolute shitshow to get in. Well, first of all, we had to change our designated day for visiting that due to “Graduation” a few times too! Moscow was entirely a city of barricades and police activity, always unexplained to the populace. I think it’s just the goings on of a police state, like they are constantly reminding the citizenry that they don’t have free reign, that the police are the ones with power and have the control here. It really seemed that way to me. Everywhere we went, we encountered barricades and had to replan. It was really annoying and one of the top reasons I wouldn’t want to live in this city. It was a constant onslaught of police activity and being told you can’t do certain things.
Senate building (maybe)
Garden in Kremlin So, when we finally got to go to the Kremlin - it requires a whole afternoon - we were relieved, before we realized what it took to get in. First, you wait in the longest line for the ticket hall. Guess what, the main tickets are sold at separate windows from extras like the Diamond Fund (the crown jewels, which you want to see), so once you go through the entire line, you have to get in another line to get the extra bit tickets. This happens a lot. Luckily, I went to scope out the inside situation when we were still a good 45 minutes away from being inside the ticket hall (who knows how long from a cashier) and I noticed almost-empty ticket machines in the corner. We of course used those for the main tickets and we saved a good hour. Why was no one using the machines! Crayballs. And someone said you could buy Diamond Fund tickets at the actual building inside, so we hoped they were right. Like most big attractions so far in Russia, once you wait in the line to buy your tickets, you have to wait in another line to get in the attraction. This one was even worse than the ticket line, not because of length but because of tour groups pushing and shoving. It was another absolute shitshow. Russian queues make British people turn to dust. They just push and crowd and have no regard for anyone who may have been there first. So we forgot everything we learned in London and pushed right back. We made it to the severely backed up metal detectors and noticed that most of them were going unused as people just went through the central ones, causing most of the backup. Peeeeopleeeee.
CANNONBALLLLL
Luckily, once you’re in, it’s fine, as long as you stick to the specified walking paths - the guards mean BUSINESS. Anyone who stepped off the path or crossed streets not at a designated crossing had loud whistles blown at them until they got back on the straight and narrow. There were constant whistles.
now that's a cracked bell
Kremlin just means fortress, not government building, but Moscow’s famous government fortress has made the word stand for it as well. It’s a huge expanse of land behind those walls, with various Senate buildings, Congress halls, monuments of tanks and cannons...and like 8 cathedrals. It’s different to have most of your government grounds be cathedrals! But that’s what we’re here to see! Endless cathedrals! They were the things you can really go inside (of course you can’t go in like the Senate) so hooray for them.
We also were indeed able to buy tickets inside the actual Diamond Fund. These were some crown jewels, man. So beautiful. Of course no pictures allowed here either, but I distinctly remember my favorite thing besides the super giant diamonds. They had this brooch that was a bunch of flowers, made of diamonds and gold and jewels, that was so pretty. But the audioguide told us what made it even better - it was hollowed out inside so it could be filled with water and fresh flowers could be placed inside! I was cracking up. Can you imagine Catherine the Great wearing a flower brooch pinned to her dress that actually had water and fresh flowers inside?! I like to imagine that she bent over to pick something up and the water spilled out and some court man slipped on it.
Because you’ll be spending a lot of time here, it’s important to bring snacks. They have a few carts of various Russian foods like pireshok, I think, and I was able to grab a trail mix bag. But you can find better snacks on the outside. And bring plenty of water! It was a hot day. Actually every day so far has had moments of heat interspersed between mostly freezing temperatures and then incredibly strong rain storms. What is this weather.
outside Kremlin
Even though I’m already museumed out, it’s literally like the #3 thing we will be doing this trip besides seeing cathedrals and taking trains so I geared up for the Tretyakov gallery. They have a main building and a new annex that I thought sounded like it would be small but it was literally the biggest single exhibit I’ve ever seen. It was 20th century Russian art, charting every new movement that happened, and it took 3 hours to go through. When we were finally done, it let us out to a stairwell that led us into...another exhibit. JFC I was about to scream. It was worse than Caesar’s Palace for keeping you in and not letting you leave! I was in a Bunuel movie and I was NOT AMUSED. It was a decent gallery but come on that’s a lot of museuming.
On our walk to the gallery ahhh
On the way to it though, we found this huge fake ship statue of Peter the Great. This memorial is kind of hilarious and awesome. It’s so big! Its champion was the former disgraced mayor of Moscow so there are rumors that it will be removed but come on, you can’t get rid of this. It’s so fun.
One of the funniest things we did in Moscow was go to the Museum of Soviet Arcade Games! It’s a very happening hipster joint with tons of old arcade games from Soviet times. They are so sad you want to cry but it’s really adorable. They gave us English instructions and a bag of tokens and we tried to play them. Most were super glitchy and frustrating but it was so cool to try them out!
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Moscow also has some gorgeous metro stations. We walked mostly everywhere but Husband made a point to find the most beautiful ones. Our Russian teacher told us about them when she went between semesters. They were pretty cool!
The best part of Moscow was the Bolshoi Ballet, which I’ll write about in another post (theatre reviews! never stopping!) and a mostly vegan restaurant called Fresh that I’m obsessed with (food in another post too). Looking back, we did do a lot of fun things in Moscow, but it was all in this overwhelming sense of unease. It’s a city in a time of change, for sure, and it’s unclear what direction would be best for it (you don’t want that fancy center part to take over and price all the citizens out, but you also want it to grow financially). I definitely felt this unease and it prevented me from enjoying Moscow as much as I thought I would. Maybe it was all the police and barricades, maybe it was the city itself, maybe the hostel, maybe because I was surrounded by people eating ice cream and I couldn’t have any and it was so sad. I think some places you gel with and some you don’t, and that’s fine. Onto the next!
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