The Best Wedding Ever, slash How to Plan a Vegan Wedding in Less Than Two Months
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Which TV characters did Veganuary and which ones are sticking with it?
Last month was another phenomenal Veganuary, with hundos of thousos of people pledging to avoid animal products for all of January. Now that it’s over and the groundhog did something and time can go back to having no meaning, we can review who among our most special friends – TV characters – took the challenge and why, and who will try to continue the vegan pledge into whatever clock land we’re in now.
Speaking of clock lands, we’ll start with the greatest show of all time, obviously, because if you know me at all you knew that’s what I was gonna start with.
THE GOOD PLACE
I like to think my man Chidi “I knew you weren’t a soup!” Anagonye knew enough/worried enough about doing the right thing to be vegan already. (Evidence: he drank almond milk – was it because he knew cow’s milk was a no-no??) He said he was a vegetarian and at a restaurant with Uzo he was conflicted between the risotto and the pumpkin soup, two common and lackluster vegan options at non-vegan restaurants. (Not knocking either dish; that’s just not what we go to restaurants for.) But if not (he was shown in flashbacks to eat cheese; hopefully they were flashwaybacks (although then he ate fish in the afterlife)), he would probably be excited to join in the Veganuary challenge. He’d probably greet it with a trademark excited “OooOOoooh!” that he debuted during his chillaxed (that’s a combination of ‘chidi’ and ‘relax’ I just made up) period in season 4. He’d definitely be that excited about vegan food and not just scavenger hunts that tell you the meaning of life!
However, Cheedster would undoubtedly and unfortunately treat his vegan stint as though it was a Lenten fast, with no allowance for enjoyment or indulgence. He’d do it like Michael McKean’s grown-up Doug Forcett, with all lentils and radishes because they have the lowest carbon footprint and no chicken-fried seitan or vegan cupcakes, the poor bastard. And so it wouldn’t stick, because who would be able to maintain such a virtuous, boring diet? So Chidi would make it to January 31, because he would beat himself up to stay with it, and then he would try to do the best he can afterwards (until he dies). That almond milk though!
STAR TREK: LOWER DECKS
I am really enjoying this animated Trek comedy so far! Most of the characters are likable (not the captain; literally the most incompetent captain in Starfleet history) with great voice performances (shout out to my fave pillboi Eugene Cordero). It’s hilarious to have a Star Trek that’s a comedy, a cartoon, and full of cursing and ridiculousness. It’s also fun to pretend it’s a weird space spin-off of the most infuriating shitshow I’ve ever been forced to watch, ‘Below Deck’, because I keep referring to it as Star Trek: Below Deck even though the characters aren’t evil simpletons who can’t make a reasonable argument if their tip depended on it. But I guess an advanced starship (Janeway voice (I do it so good): ‘we’re a starrrrrship’) is kind of like a luxury yacht, right?
My choice for Veganuary participant is Beckett Mariner, not because she cares about animals but because someone mentioned it in passing and said it would probably be hard, and she took it as a dare and was like ‘YOU WANNA SEE HARD, HARD’S GONNA BE HOW MUCH MY SUCCESS ON FEBRUARY 1st HITS YOU IN THE GODDAMN FACE WHEN YOU SEE HOW AMAZING I DID.’ Mariner makes me sooo anxious and uneasy with all her chaotic energy and NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES but I can’t deny that she’s an awesome badass. And considering the replicators can make all kinds of amazing things, it’s probably super easy on the ship, so I am gonna take the very unsteady position and say she’d stick with it. Also, she’s always right (okay she may have misplaced the target on the back of the person inhabited by a parasite in episode 4 but she still knew a parasite was around!) so I refuse to believe that she wouldn’t be right about the right way to eat. (Okay but query whether all replicated food is vegan by default because no animals are used or harmed by space machines…? Perhaps the closest analogy would be lab-grown meat…which I still wouldn’t consider vegan…okay Ima need someone to do their masters thesis on this subject.)
PARKS & RECREATION
The obvious choice would be Chris Traeger, literally a famous health freak. It seems like a no-brainer to assume that he would jump in with literally both feet and WIN Veganuary. But it truly would be a no-brainer, as in something you’d think if you had no brain (change approved!). If I asked Chris Traeger to go vegan for a month, Chris would hundo p give me the biggest smile and say “my diet is perfect! I’ve honed it over years to provide the perfect amount of nutrients to keep my body in tip-top shape! To change it would be a crime against humanity.” And then he would turn on his heel and go run 10 miles to perish the thought of changing his routine.
And so the real Veganuarier of the P&R department would be…Leslie Knope. Of course it’s Leslie. It’s something popular that she will do to try to connect to the public and improve her image. But like everything she tries for those reasons, it will backfire. Of course HER public will use it as a weapon against her to call her an elitist that isn’t of the people. Ugh, if only she was a politician in Eagleton – they are all definitely doing Veganuary (well, by default, since a month-long post-NYE green juice cleanse is technically vegan). Leslie would barely eke out the final weeks before her polling numbers required her to be photographed at Paunch burger eating a Greasy Lard Bomb (their best-seller!) and drinking a child-sized soda (it’s roughly the size of a two-year-old child if he were liquefied).
THE MANDALORIAN
lolol definitely not my little spider-eating larvae-eating friends-baby-eating lizard-eating everything-he-can-get-his-lil-baby-hands-on cutest little adorable baby yodibear, that’s for sure!
GILMORE GIRLS
I’m pretty sure Gilmore Girls is full of vegan jokes (or maybe it was just Sookie complaining about cooking for vegetarians – my dude, if you can’t cook for vegetarians, you aren’t a talented chef) because much as I love her work, ASP is kind of a b word. I can’t see any of the original cast ever seriously entertaining veganism, at least not in the early 2000s. But doing so now is a different story, and I can see modern Paris realizing it’s the right way forward. Maybe I can even see college Paris doing it, college Paris who cared about Burmese political prisoners. If she truly was preoccupied with the plight of the less fortunate – which she really may have been since she was no longer doing stuff just to get into Harvard – then she would care about social justice. And once you care about social justice you can’t ignore the role veganism plays in it! When she realizes that true veganism is intersectional and important in the fight against all the -isms, Paris would be firing on ALL cylinders trying to spread the vegan message like she’s been doing it for years, as all new vegans do. I can see her chasing Rory down the halls of Yale screaming HOW COULD YOU KNOW ABOUT THE EFFECTS OF ANIMAL AGRICULTURE ON THE CLIMATE AND NOT EVEN ATTEMPT TO GO VEGAN RORY, IT’S LIKE YOU WANT ME TO YELL AT YOU ALL THE TIME.
Side note, Paris – who hates the sick, who makes everything an argument and wins it – should have been a lawyer, not a doctor. Makes no sense.
BRIDGERTON
Ah Bridgerton, Netflix’s biggest show, everyone’s favorite obsession, is such a pleasant, enjoyable show for something that is objectively not great. I know lots of you just gasped in anger and are like ‘excuse me it IS great’ but remove the hot duke and focus on the strings of plot that were dangled into relevance and then snipped before they could be made to make sense and tell me that to my face. Excuse me WHY was the modiste acting like it was her (you know what I’m talking about)? WHY was the artist man introduced to Brother #2 if nothing was going to happen there (string! snipped!)? WHY did ANYTHING in the Papa Featherington storyline happen?! I mean seriously WOOF on that last one. How did they get Julie Andrews to do this, my loooord. Anyway, not that anyone in this era would stop eating meat or anything, but if veganism was a thing and they could eat vegetables without dying, I bet on Eloise, and not only because she’s the only likable character. Okay yeah maybe because she is the only likable character. What can I say, she’d be fun to hang out with at a vegan cafe. Also, she thinks for herself and has strong opinions about what’s right and what’s wrong. A perfect baby vegan!
WEST WING
I’m watching the West Wing for the first time (I know you can’t believe it) and I am so obsessed already. But listen, although I LOVE love all the characters, I also kind of hate them all at times. That Sorkin, he just loves him some shoehorning in of political ‘points’ that he thinks are like wow deep but they are so easily refuted that it gets kind of annoying. But overall love love. Okay so anyway, thanks to the aforementioned Sorkinizing of great characters, over the 3-4 seasons I’ve seen so far, they’ve all lost their ability to claim a strong social-justice head on any pair of shoulders. So no one is getting chosen for that. But as far as being ‘with it’ in terms of hot social trends (that’s us!) and popular culture, no one beats my girl Donnatella Moss. Husbo finds Donna annoying but I forking adore her. So I put my money on her doing Veganuary. She would get zero support from the rest of the staff. Okay maybe a little from Charlie because he’s the absolute best but he would make some really good subtle snarky comments amid his overall support. Josh would endlessly mock her. (Josh is kind of awful to her so far and it le breaks le heart.) Leo would completely not care. President Barlet, who loves the Butterball hotline more than he loves his kids, would not see the point. Toby would monotone grump at her about it. Sam would be whatever but like his Parks & Rec counterpart would already think he’s too good to need to make any changes. (I firmly believe Mike Schur saw the season 1 West Wing scene where Sam says “I’m nuts for dental hygiene” and thus was born Chris Traeger. He is the early version of that man for sure.)
Unrelated: Stockard Channing’s singsongy delivery is the greatest gift. She sounds like the 1940s optometrist in that joke. It’s fantastic.
LUPIN
OOH LA LA Lupin est un si beau spectacle oui oui oui! J’aime tellement Omar Sy et son enfant est amusant (omg cette fin cependant) et la supercherie est magnifique! Oui oui oui! Je peux voir beaucoup de personnages essayer le véganisme puisque le Paris moderne est plutôt bon pour ça (il faut juste une bonne baguette pour vivre de toute façon!). Mon premier choix pour Veganuary est la journaliste, Fabienne Beriot, non seulement parce qu’elle avait le chien le plus incroyable (J’accuse! Amoureuse des animaux!) Mais parce qu’elle était le GRAND genre de journaliste – la GUERRIÈRE DE LA JUSTICE SOCIALE qui découvre la vérité! Oui oui oui oui! Elle ferait ‘totes’, oui oui oui. Ugh, Fabienne.
Okay mes petits babies, what are your choices?
Voting with Your Dollar: Hotels, Cosmetics, and TV on My List
This is #4 in the Vote with your Dollar series, in which I ruin things you probably love, and I’m sorry, but like the world is a mess and we should try to do better. Every other Friday I’ll be here ruining stuff for you!
Hey folks, we have some real jerkfaces to talk about today! I feel compelled to note in response to some talk talk in my ear holes that OF COURSE these aren’t the most important issues to be talking about. These are things I suggest taking in consideration for people who ALREADY know not to support Nazis/animal cruelty/destruction of earth/racists/rapists/&c and want to know a little more about where their money goes. I don’t wanna hear any of that “why don’t you talk about something more important like the Amazon” nonsense. (Answer: BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW NOT TO EAT BEEF.) (Although the Amazon is on fire and that’s probably the most pressing concern right now so definitely donate to Rainforest Alliance, Rainforest Trust, Amazon Watch, and/or Rainforest Action Network if you have spare cash. And stop eating beef.)
HOTELS
Sheldon Adelson is a corrupt billionaire (redundant) who represents the extremely dangerous extreme far-right movement. He gave $82 million to Cheeto Mussolini and Republicans in 2016, more than three times the next largest individual donor. His $5 million donation to Trump’s inaugural committee is the largest single donation to any such inauguration in history. His support for Trump’s regime seems dependant on how the toilet president has intertwined the republican party with the terrible policies of Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu. And Adelson’s money isn’t just sent in an envelope to Trump and left at that. The New York Times reported that he was part of a ‘shadow National Security Council’ that pushed for Trump to destroy the Iran deal and to move the Israeli embassy to Jerusalem, two supremely stupid moves that endanger many people, Jews included (as do most of Trump’s decisions and policies, as they contribute to the rise in anti-Semitism, a point rich assholes tend not to give a shit about) (there was a play called Bad Jews and I never saw it but I think it was about Adelson (and the Kushners) (and any other Jew that supports Trump I mean I just DO NOT GET IT how do you care about preventing Israel from being shared by people who already live there more than you care about Nazis running your own country??).
In addition to all the terrible things Sheldon does – like funding Rabbi Shmuley’s work, buying or publishing Israeli daily newspapers as well as the Las Vegas Review-Journal and exerting editorial control over content that dares criticize the corruption at his casinos (latter) or Bibi (former), and funding a group that opposes anti-Israel discussion on college campuses – he also owns the Venetian Casino in Las Vegas, so not staying there is one regular person way of not putting your money in his most-likely-gross-and-dirty-and-sticky-maybe-from-an-unwrapped-cough-drop pocket. Sheldon, a sort of Alex-Mack goo pile that reformed into a solid improperly, founded the parent company Las Vegas Sands Corporation and is the chairman and CEO. The company also owns The Palazzo on the Vegas Strip. I’m pretty sure there isn’t one casino in Vegas that isn’t owned by a corrupt asshole billionaire, but we’re focusing on this asshole today. I mean Vegas casinos suck anyway; stay off the strip maybe? I don’t know I hate Vegas. But I do love Singapore, so it makes me sad to report my recent discovery that Sheldon the Bellend also owns the most famous sight there – the Marina Bay Sands, the famous triple tower hotel with the viewing platform across all three. You know it as the location of the party at the end of Crazy Rich Asians. It’s super famous. (They also own a lot of hotels and casinos in Macau but who is staying there, ugh boring.)
Suffice it to say, this jackwagon sucks, so if you want a fake Italian gondola ride, just rent a canoe and find a creek and a striped boatneck shirt.
COSMETICS
Most of the companies implicated herein aren’t vegan anyway but I super extra urge those of you who do use their products to read on. Recently, the organization behind the #grabyourwallet boycotts have added Estee Lauder to the list, along with its subsidiary companies. And it’s for dern good reason: Ron Lauder, board member and heir to the g-d entire shibang, contributed to Trump’s Victory Committee. What a jackass. Unfortunately, the reach of Estee Lauder is broad. I cannot sufficiently prepare you for the list to come. The parent company owns (gird your loins):
Aveda
Clinique
Origins
Bobbi Brown
Jo Malone
MAC
Smashbox
Aerin (but who really uses that)
Darphin
La Mer (fuck that noise anyway)
Prescriptives
Too Faced
Bumble & Bumble
I mean we shouldn’t be surprised since, as we regularly establish here, all billionaires are immoral, but also Estee Lauder was the company that worked with Trump in the early aughts on launching his signature fragrance so they’ve always been in cahoots. I bet it was the fragrance of the 57th Street subway station in the summer mixed with piss-stained hospital bed sheets.
I know that is some list, though, like astonishingly big and bad. Luckily, there are some cruelty-free cosmetics brands that are even better, that don’t test on animals and don’t support monsters. LUSH cosmetics are easy to find – just follow your nose; you can smell the shop from a block away – and have many vegan products. BareFaced Beauty, Sugarpill Cosmetics, and Revolution Makeup are also dependably cruelty-free brands and I’m pretty sure they don’t support Trump. Makeup experts are better sources than I am, of course, so check out sites like logicalharmony.net for more info (although of course their most recent post is about Too Faced ack!).
TELEVISION
Okay WHAT THE FORK, ABC?! I have never watched “Dancing with the Stars” but I am LIVID about their casting Sean Spicer on the new season of that bullshirt. Trump’s former press secretary is not a star, he is not funny, and he is not trendy or cool. He is literally a man responsible for defending untold atrocities and lying to the American public and the world about what this administration was doing. He should be going to jail with all the rest of the monsters, but instead he’s being paraded out as goofball entertainment? NO.
Some people have rolled their eyes at the outrage over ‘just a stupid TV show’. And that kind of reaction completely misses the horrifying point that this outrage is really about: Putting Spicer on this show is normalizing what he did and as a result what the administration has done. Normalizing their continued destruction of our laws, systems, and our humanity makes a mockery of morality. It’s treating evil as entertainment. That’s nothing to dismiss just because it’s being done through a stupid TV show. In fact, that makes it all the more horrifying and important to stand against. We’ve let too much happen already; letting them excuse and use this man as entertainment is a surefire step in remaining a fascist state. Spicer and the lot of them should be entertaining judges at The Hague with how stupid they are and how obvious guilty they are, not entertaining the very country they’ve destroyed with their g-d dancing.
That’s it for this fortnight of What I Hate Now, the alternate title for this series. Chime in with your thoughts and/or what’s bugging you this week.